Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Z Report 5-08-08 - Building the Perfect Man/A Favorite

"Give me Gerry moobies in all his movies!"

With all the talk about what makes a person attractive, sexy, or desirable on display on the internet, the tube and in the slew of magazines on the racks rating their top 100 sexiest, the Z Report decided to conduct a poll of our readers to find out what features and/or personality traits from their favorite male celebrities they think are attractive and come up with our own composite of the Perfect Male.

While conducting this experiment to determine the ultimate in male pulchritude, we were struck by the variety of responses, not to mention the sheer numbers, concerning one particular celebrity, Scottish hunk Gerard Butler and coming from what seems to be a world wide fan base of enthusiastic supporters. Before we publish our results at the end of the month, for your reading pleasure I would like to publish some of the e-mails we got on this particular and popular celebrity.

Lita from New Mexico

"Z. You gotta use Gerry Butler's body for your perfect man. The guys abs are amazing! He's one hot dude and no one has done more for leather since cowboys started wearing chaps!"

Ronnie from Albuquerque

"What abs are those Lita? They were as fleeting as the wind! His teeth aren't bad, though. Too bad they're probably not his own."

Lita from New Mexico

"You're just jealous Ronnie cause you're more Clay Aiken than King Leonidas!"

Lara Busher from Crawford, Latvia

"About Gerald Butler....I love a man who is willin to take that many arrows for his country on the battlefield, which is more than I can say for someone close to home with the same initials who's out back being congratulated for getting his model airplane in the air, finally! I nominate Gerald's courage for puttin on that codpiece thang and makin it look sexy!"

Dr. Anastasio Zoom, Beverly Hills

"Gerard's teeth are mostly his own and I should know!"

Rosie from upstate NY: Regarding his prominent pecs.

When I tipple
I like nipples
Give me Gerry moobies
in all his movies.

Verushka from Romania

"Gerard has got thees beautiful eyes which make me forget my Anatoly ran away to Corsica with that French whore Sandrine who vas teaching him to Tango so he could go to America and Dance with the f_ucking Stars. Even when they are swollen and poofy, dey hypnotize me and now it is I, Verushka, who is going to America. By the way, do you know where Gerry lives?"

Kikko, Nagasaki, Japan

"Please to have Gerry's voice, like in Phantom of the Opera. It is my favorite DVD and he sings me to sleep every night after kissing my hand when he came to Japan for Dear Frankie. My husband Yoshi is not such a fan though, and after Doctor Tarosan removed the cotton that was stuck in his ear canal, I am sad to say he has permanently moved his futon into the next room."

Eva from Miami, Fla.

"Gerry Bootler es el hombre mas caliente that I have seen in mucho tiempo. Esa boca me vuelve loca. I like mouths y his es perfectamente deliciosa. El hombre perfecto necessita la boca de Gerard Bootler. Only bad theeeng....he has no ass!"

Anonymously Wicked, Los Angeles

"I'm in love with Butler's hands, especially that middle finger he so often shows photographers. It makes me think the most licentious thoughts when I see it and, like the Scots in Braveheart mooned the English on the battlefield, among other things, I'm thinking maybe he'll progress to some of the same to show his displeasure and add to ours.

Sigh....One can only hope! Dressed to Kilt anyone? LOL"

Beliza from Sao Paulo, Brazil

"When Gerry was in Brazil for 300, he showed what a bel hommen he was and his corasao is very sweet. He can move his hips too. He likes Brazil and Brazil likes him. Especially the women. Your man needs Gerry's heart!"

Hannah from Hollywood

"Gerard Butler has one amazing head of hair. Why a lesser man would be bald by now, with all the coloring and hairpieces that man's worn. Actually, I'm having trouble remembering what his real hair looks like. I think it's kinda brown with some white in it, but it's hard to tell. Only thing is, make sure you use his hair when he doesn't have that little white line of roots showing in the front. I really like his hair in Beowulf. Maybe that's the one you need for your perfect man!

Tony from UK

"That was a f_ookin wig ye ditz!"

Carli from Toronto

"The man can't do dialects to save his life! Did you hear his Irish in PS I Love You? However his Scottish burr makes me purr. I say give your man Gerry's voice reciting Sonnet #43 from EBB's Sonnets from the Portuguese and let him lay on the Scottish. That way he can say "soul" as many times as he wants and annoy the crap out of some fans."

Colleen from Ireland

"A Gerard Butler fan hailing from Dublin here! I think your perfect male should have Gerry's emerald green Irish eyes. Just please don't let him fracture the Irish brogue again. My aunt Kate still hasn't recovered from that one!"

Anatoly,Rome, Italy

"I am in love with Gerry's legs and can think of no better thighs for your perfect man. My wife in Romania thinks I am in Corsica with Sandrine, but I am really in Rome with Vincenzo, whom I met in Prague when we were both in line for 300. Vincenzo is a dead ringer for Gerry Butler, especially when he wears the mask I bought him on e-bay, which he is willing to do most of the time when we have sex. His thighs are not as good as Gerry's though. Vincenzo and I are both studying the Tango and improving our English to go to America and appear on Dancing with the Stars and maybe meet Gerry Butler at Villa night club when we become famous."

Toby from Wisconsin

"Well, there is cheese and there is cheese and Gerard Butler is 12 year old prime aged cheddar. I mean that in a good way and I'm not saying he's aged like cheese, though I understand that's how he pronounces his name? Cheddar Gerard! When I look at Gerry's pics. in 300 I think of cheese and I'm sure he eats plenty of it to stay in the shape he's in."

I'm not good with words, but I do know that Gerry's cheesy abs belong on your perfect man!"

A. Kathleen from Scotland

"Ah'm verra fond o' little Gerard's bonnie face. Ah'm thinkin perhaps ye kin jist cut his head off an' use it oan yer pairfect man. O' course George Clooney wudna be bad aither.

Sorry Gerry! Ah know ah promised ye no' tae mention George, but he tarns me oan, ye ken?"

Anither Mither from Scotland

"Gerard is yer pairfect man. All o' him. Cep mebbe ye tie his bonnie fingers thegither. It's hard tae break all o' yer bad habits at once an' ye got tae give him a blue ribbon fer tryin, the poor lad.

George Clooney canna hold a candle tae Gerard. Noo oan the other hand, that McSteamy......"

Vannie from Texas

"There's no one like Gerry and you don't need a composite when you have the perfect man all in one already!"

Darla from Anaheim

"Gerry Butler is hawt and I'm in luv with him. My friend Kelly says Gerry was "it" in Dracula 2000...and you can't improve on perfection, except for the teeth which made it hard to understand what he was sayin. Ya know what I mean?"

Tabitha from Tunisia

"Definitely the Mouth. As a dentist I've never seen a more perfect arc on teeth, particularly the bottom set, which is visible with his mouth wide open...which seems to be a lot lately. The lips fit very nicely too. I must congratulate his dentist, although the lips he'll have to thank his ancestors for."

Dr. Anastasio Zoom, Beverly Hills

"Thank you! Contact me and I'll send you some brochures."

Rita from West Virginia

"I'm impressed with Gerry's brain. He's so smart! He went to Law School you know? For a guy who f_ucks around as much as he does, I think he's going to need that training one of these days. Lucky guy! I wish I was that smart!"

Anna, South Bend, Indiana

"Gerard Butler has a beautiful soul. No other actor or person on the planet has a soul like Gerry's. He gives you a hug, and you know you have been hugged by a person with a powerfully profound and spiritual soul. How do I know? Because Gerry hugged me and the beauty of his eyes made me melt and I could see his soul shining right in them and I shall never ever forget that precious moment. Even when he said 'F_uck, whars the loo aroun' here!' and made me blush."

D. Chopra, India

"Yes, Gerry has a beautiful soul and his soul led him to me so that I could help him with his addiction to cigarettes. He has promised me I could use my experience with him in a chapter of my next book, which goes to show you what a beautiful soul he has. My next book will be titled: "How to Increase Your Attention Span and Tame Your Dragon" I mean "Demons through Meditation!"

Loretta from Vancouver

"Gerard Butler's biceps are incredible. He can throw me down and flex any and all of his muscles for me anytime he wants to. My husband travels a lot, so he just has to let me know when he's commin and I'll put the kettle on!"

Blondie and Stars from IMDbland

"Can anyone say BANANANANANANA???"

And that dear readers are just a few of the e-mails we got.

If you want to contribute to our poll on Building the Perfect Man, please send us your comments.

Next week we will have Butler's comments on the comments.

Signing off,

Zoni with a Z (but pronounced with an S)

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the twilight zone of the writer's mind somewhere in LaLa Land.

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