Monday, August 30, 2010

The Z Report 4-08-08 - Some Ketchup with My Fans, Please!

"Ah've arrived all right, an' late as usual..."
 Gerry and Friend Laura Heering
Some Ketchup with My Fans, Please! 

This week the Z report delves into all the tabloid rumors surrounding the busy and very much in demand Scottish actor Gerard Butler who is currently in town reading scripts and getting ready to start filming The Ugly Truth co-starring Katherine Heigl next week. Our record of not asking stupid questions has paid off in an exclusive interview given to our own lovely, Fulla Crapsody in which Mr. Butler was kind enough to address several topics of current interest to movie fans.

Fulla met up with him poolside at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills where he had just undergone a body glow salt rub, followed by a 90 minute massage. After telling us the masseuse used a mixture of grapeseed, avocado and extra virgin olive oil to help tone his skin as well as his muscles, he told us he felt like a "well dressed salad" and giving us his throaty laugh, promptly ordered a cheeseburger with french fries and a coke with lots of ice.

FC: Thanks for agreeing to this interview and I guess my first question would be, do people really get your ironic sense of humor?

GB: Ah'm no' sure they do. Ah'm no'  sure ah get it half the time maself! (laughs)

Butler sips on a glass of Figi water during our conversation.

GB: See ah've always had this problem wi'  synchronizin' ma thoughts an' ma worts so sometimes ah'm no' entirely sure what's goin'  tae come out o' ma mouth when ah say something. It's kin' o' like the chicken an' the egg. Ma thoughts are all kin' o' scrambled in ma head, each fightin' tae get out at once. When ah try tae articulate em, they all come rushin' out, sometimes out o' order an' ah only realize whit ah've said after ah've said it. Ma mum says this particular synchronization problem comes from ma father's side o' the family, an' o' course, she WOULD say that. But Auntie Kathleen winked at me an' told me later their uncle James was the same way, so ah'm thinkin' mebbe ah got a double dose o' it! (laughs) But tae answer yer question, yeah ah guess some people dinna get ma sense o' irony an' it's gotten me in trouble more times than ah kin count.

FC: Doesn't seem to have done you any permanent damage yet. However, if given the chance to address it to your fans what would you say to them?

GB: (thinking it over) Emm emm (humming a few bars to get in key...he sings) "Luve me or leave me an' let me be lonelllllyyy. Ye'll naiver beeeleeeve me, but ah luve ye ooonly.........(more laughter)

FC: Is that more irony?

GB: O' course not! (laughs)

FC: Okay, lets get down to the rumor mill swirling about you these days. You've become a popular target for the paparazzi and the tabloids as well. How does it feel? Does it mean you've finally arrived, all this attention?

GB: Ah've arrived all right, an' late as usual. But this is a case where ah'm almost thinkin' it's better no' tae have arrived at all. Ah feel a bit like Cinderella kis ah'm always worryin' the clock's goin' tae start clanging midnight an' ah'll be left standing  barefoot an' in rags, surrounded by a rotten pumpkin an' some mice that will be pickin' at ma toes and that's what they'll be taken pictures o'.  Ah'm no' sure ah'm entirely comfortable wi'  the trade off o' this fame thing.

FC: Well from the looks of some of your recent photos and some of the comments I've seen on several websites, they've caught you at a few unflattering moments already and you seemed less then enchanted to see them, although you recovered well. Is it the price one pays for celebrity these days?

GB: Ah guess it depends on what kin' o' celebrity ye want tae be. Ah naiver wanted tae be this kind, or at least ah didna think ah wanted tae, but all the attention sometimes starts tae go tae yer heid.  Alan tells me it's all good, but it's startin' tae get a little scairy.  It brings out the the bad boy in me. Ah canna help it an' sometimes certain extremeties have a mind o' their own. But all in all, ah'm happy right now. All this crap is what ah've wirked for an' ah'm finally stairtin' tae relax a bit an' often feel like a kid in a candy store an' ah want tae share it wi' people. Ma friends are lovin' it, cep fer the paparazzi thing. It's like yer glad when no one recognizes ye, then when someone does, yer flattered. It goes back an' forth. Sometimes ah luve it an' sometimes ah hate it! Mostly ye just go along wi' it, but when ye're in a bad mood, ye got tae watch yerself  an' ah'm no' good at doin' that. That's when ah get in trouble.

The waiter brought Butler his food and he hungrily dug into it, spilling ketchup on his white tee. Attempting to clean it up with his napkin and some ice water, he finally gives up and shrugs his shoulders, flashing us his PS I Love You smile.

GB: Sometimes ah'm a slob! (laughs)

FC: Can we ask you about girlfriends? There have been pictures of you posted with someone that looked actress Laura Heering, who was walking your dog. Was it her? Anything there?

GB: Yeah, we're friends. She lives in ma neighborhood an' she's in luve wi' ma dog. Lots o' people are. She's verra fain  an' luvable. Ma dog, that is.

FC: So nothing more than that going on between you?

GB: Ma dog? Just kidding! (laughs) If there wis ah wouldna tell ye anyways. The poor wumman would be attacked by the press an' the fans would have a field day tearin' her apairt. She's too nice an' bonnie fer that.

FC: I saw the TMZ videos of you after you had your teeth worked on and at Villa nightclub with the DWTS people. You're a favorite these days. Did you know the DWTS people from before?

GB: Yeah, the paps followed me from the f_uckin' dentist. Ah felt like crap, cep fer the painkillers. Then one o' ma friends met me fer lunch a little later an' they started in oan that.

FC: The mysterious tall man in the beige shirt?

GB: Mysteeereeous, aye! (laughs)

FC: Would you like to comment?

GB: If ah commented he wouldna be mysteereeous fer long would he? (laughs)

FC: I guess not, but it would clear up some misconceptions people have had.

Butler stops his food in mid air and became serious momentarily, his good humor returning almost immediately.

GB: Ye want tae know how much ah care about people's misconceptions? Ah dinna give a flyin 'camel's f_uck about them!   Besides, he's no' a public figure an' ah dinna have tae sell ma friends tae the press. It's bad fer ma soul!

(looking perturbed)
Those worts sound  familiar. Where have ah said that before? (laughs)

FC: Fair enough. And the DWTS group?

GB: Great bunch o' people. We had a guid time an' ah offered some o' em some coffee an' a ride home. The paps were in rare form that day when we came out o' Villa an' they kept followin' us and snapping away. Ah got tae admit tae hammin'  it up some. All these grown men chasing ye and the questions kin get sae stupid ah canna help maself,

FC: Were you doing some research connected to your next movie? Are we going to see Gerard Butler dance?

GB: (laughs) You'll have tae wait an' see. Ah've got some new moves tae show off in this role an' ah think it's gonna be a blast doin' it. Ah think ma fans are goin'  tae enjoy seein' that side o' me.

FC: Sounds interesting. We know you constantly struggle with your addiction to cigarettes, are you worried that your co-star in this is a smoker?

GB: Yeah, a little. That's why ah took that little trip tae India si Deepak could give me some ammunition tae resist the craving.  Wi' a little hypnotic suggestion, some meditation, an' some other tricks ah learnt there, ah'm keepin' ma finger's crossed  I kin stay off the fags. It's the hardest thing ah've ever done an' it leaves me cranky when ah've got the craving. Deepak says ah need tae fin' something tae replace it.

FC: Would Cameron Diaz be helping you with that? (laughs)

GB: Ah, Cameron. Nice girl. Ah guess ah'm shaggin' her, aye?

FC: According to the tabloids, you two are an item. Does she like your puppy too?

GB: That depends on which puppy ye're talkin' about? (laughs heartily)

FC: Do tell.

GB: Ma grandmother taught me that a gentlemen naiver kisses an' tells, although ah'm no' much o' a gentlemen sometimes an' ma mouth certainly disna understand the meanin'  o' reserve when it stairts movin'  prematurely. But all kiddin' aside, Cammie has one verra nice body. Ma friends keep callin' me tae ask if ah've seen her naked yet.

FC: And you tell them what.....?

GB: Same as ah'm tellin' ye. None o' yer business. Cammie an' ah are friends an' we got lots tae talk about an' ah canna tell ye about what either.

FC: So you're not giving us anything? Throw a bone to your fans?

GB: A bone? Are ye kiddin'? Mebbe a hand grenade? (laughs)  Dinna get me wrong,  ah got some really cool fans, but the way some o' em fight wi' each other gives ma willy the willies.

FC: They fight with each other? About what?

GB: F_uck if ah know! Ah got fans that are obsessed wi' ma fans. Ah naiver saw such a crazy bunch o' f_ucked up wimmin.  If ah ran intae a few o' em in a dark alley, ah'd learn tae fly real quick. It's a constant battle over who has ma back, the extreme gushers or the anti-fan fans. An' get this, now ah even got anti-ME fans, who profess to "not" see ma movies. What the de'il did ah do tae deserve that kin' o' devotion? (nervous laughter)

FC: Sounds a bit "out there"...

GB: Out there? Ye ever visit my IMDb board? Ah kin get f_cked an' flogged wi' a cat o' nine tails in the same sentence. Even Alan is scairt tae peek in anymore an' take the temperature, cause they even make fun o' him too! (laughs) Used tae be amusin' readin'  once in a while, but it's a way o' life wi' some. Ma fans are startin' tae get as much press as ah am. An' what some o' them dinna get is that they are givin' the obsessed more attention wi' their own obsession. Two side o' the same coin. Course they dinna see it that way. There's even a half twit who thinks she's me an' writes wi' a Scottish accent ye'd need subtitles tae unnerstand an' every one knows ah really dinna speak like that. Ma fans unnerstand me pairfectly!

He shakes his head.
GB: Ah'm naiver goin' tae unnerstand some wimmin. Ah'm thinkin' o' becomin' a monk. (laughs)

FC: We'll believe that when the moon turns to cheese.

GB: Ye mean it's not?

Now it was our turn to laugh.

FC: Sounds like you're rethinking all the past closeness? It's really that bad?

GB: Nah, ah'm exagerattin'. It's ma way. Ma fans are fine fer the most part, it's just the loonies on either side make lots o' noise an' give everyone else a bad name. As long as they go tae see ma movies an' dinna stairt attackin' ma dog.........

FC: So getting back to your love life.....

GB: Ah knew ye werna goin' tae let that one go. (laughs)

FC: So what's the scoop? You an' Cameron are just friends with a lot in common?

GB: ((giggles) Ye could say that. (thinking it over) She likes tae surf an' ah like tae sun. She likes tae exercise an' ah like not tae have tae exercise. She's cute an' funny and ah'm cute an' ironic. We baith like to tell dirty jokes an' though her's arna really that funny sometimes, she luves mine, er at least ah think she does! She giggles a lot anyways, sae ah canna really tell. An', oh yeah, we both had a crush on Justin Timberlake at one time! (laughs heartily) ...... Now THAT was irony!

FC: Are you happy with the reviews coming out on Nim's Island?

GB: (thinking it over and squinting his eyes) Ah'm no' goin' tae see that Timberlake comment oan d'listed tomorra am ah?

FC: Not a chance! Irony is sacred on the Z Report!

GB: Guid! Now about Nim's Island, ah got tae be a kid an' play aroun'  wi' Jodie an' Abigail an' ah think it shows. Ah'm happy it's doin' well an' all that cold water crap ah hated doin' will be worth it wi' it bein another one o' ma movies people will actually go an' see.

FC: Well we wish you luck with this one and with all your future projects. Thanks for being a good sport and answering our questions.

GB: Yer welcome.

FC: And one last thing. It's a good thing we don't have a "swear jar" going for this interview.

Butler smiles.
GB: Ah'd be broke in no time, aye?

We smiled at each other a shook hands.

The interview over, Butler immediately busied himself with trying to get the ketchup off his shirt once more, but only ended up with a wet shirt and a big red stain in the middle.

GB: Leuks like ah'm back in Sparta! (giggle) Oh well. (shrugs his shoulders)

Finally tiring of his efforts, he slung his bag across the stain and smiled sheepishly at us before putting down several large bills for lunch.

We walked through the hotel lobby and out to valet, Butler, comfortable in his stained shirt, a pair of torn jeans and white tennis shoes and completely oblivious to the stares from some of the other well dressed guests. As I watched him drive off in his fancy BMW sports car I couldn't help thinking how much I liked the unpretentious contrast of the actor with his surroundings.....and found myself hoping against all hope that, even with the crazy fans, fame doesn't spoil him too much. It would be a shame.

Signing off,

Zoni with a Z (but pronounced like an S)

Disclaimer: The above interview is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the mind of the writer only.

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