Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Z Report 5-19-08 - From Cannes

by zonistonate   24 minutes ago (Mon May 19 2008 17:21:53)
 Incognito in Cannes

The Z Report comes to you from beautiful beachfront Cannes today where we have propped our director's chair on one of the little green strips on the sidewalks of the famous Croissette and where the glitzy celebrity watching is only matched by the variety of snazzy European sports cars whizzing by every few seconds and the incredible looking yachts anchored off shore.

Having dinner at La Palme d'Or last night we sighted several of our favorite celebrities, including one Gerard Butler, who snuck into Cannes unrecognized by the local press. Wearing a beautifully tailored suit and clean shaven for a change, his hair slicked back and sans his signature aviators which have been exchanged for a pair of fashionable square Armani's, we almost didn't recognize him.

Friendly, as always, he graciously came over to say hello. He sat down for a moment and took a few questions from us.

Z: You look extremely handsome tonight. Are you channeling Jay Gatsby?

GB: (laughing) Nah. Ah'm channeling Brad Pitt channeling Jay Gatsby!

Z: How did you manage to sneak into Cannes without being photographed?

GB: By dressin' like this. It's the last thing anyone expects o' me lately an' I thought it wis time tae do the unexpected tae keep em on their toes.

Z: A lot of your recent movie cohorts are here promoting or selling movies. Have you seen Madonna and Guy Ritchie yet?

GB: Yeah. I saw em last night. Madonna told me ah leuked tired an'  asked if ah needed another B-12 injection.

Z: Did you take her up on it?

GB: Ah passed on it this time, although ah offered tae show her ma arse anyway if she was innerested!(laughs)  Besides, ah'm presently on the "Zen is Beautiful" diet an' ma mornin' shake contains lots o' fruits, vegetables an' vitamins. Ma friend Christian recommended it.

Z: Ooh that sounds yummy. Are you trying to lose weight?

GB. The fact I have tae hold ma nose when ah drink it an' no' even Loly will lick up the stuff when ah spill it, should tell ye how tasty the crap is. Actually ah'm trying tae boost ma energy, improve ma concentration, an' drop a pound er two.

Z: Sounds like a tall order. Is it working?

GB: It'd work better if ah could get rid o' ma cravin' fer cheeseburgers. (laughs) Although ah got to say that seein' the cute pairson that delivers ma fresh ingredients every morning tae the set is doin'  wunders fer ma mood! (grins)

Z: Are you enjoying Cannes?

GB: It's alright, but it's a long flight fer such a short taime. When ah get back ah've gat tae hit the ground runnin' as ah've  got tae be back oan set next morning. An' people wunder why ma eyes are puffy? It's getting sae a have tae tape em shut tae get some shut eye these days.

Z: How's the smoking battle coming?

GB: Well these trips dinna help, but than even oan the set ah practically have tae wear a clothes pin oan ma nose tae get away from it.

Z: Are you excited about starting Law Abiding Citizen now that it's taking shape?

GB: Yeah, but ah'm getting tiret just thinkin about it aaready.

Z: I hear Frank Darabont is on board to direct?

GB: It's goin' tae be inneresting , that's fer sure. His stuff has a film noir quality about it an' ah'm kinda sorry we canna afford tae film it in L.A. wi' the original settin', but the budget willnae allow it. Detroit's good though!

Z: How do you like being a producer?

GB: Ah been producin' fer a long time now, or haven't ye noticed? (laughs) It's just a different kind o' producin'  an' if ah get enough respect mebbe it will get ma name spelled correctly. Dae ye think it's too much tae ask fer?

Z: Well you have our respect already, whether they spell your name right or not.

GB: Nice o' ye tae say so.

Z: Is coming to these film festivals fruitful in terms of hooking up with possible co-stars for future projects?

GB: Sure.  An' it's a guid way tae catch up wi' some old friends ah havna see in a while too!

Z: Salma Hayak is here. Have you see her yet?

GB: No, but ah literally ran intae Ted Casablancas accidentally oan purpose. He didna recognize me an' ah got tae think he's still wondering how the De'il he got such a nosebleed an' a limp from runnin' intae a pairfect stranger. (laughs heartily)  Just goes tae show ye what kin happen in a crowd.

The look on his face made us laugh.

GB: Ye're not  goin' to print that are ye?

Z: Mums the word.

GB: Oan second thought, go'  add some kisses oan it fer TC. Ye know a clumsy fella like me is bound tae cause some mayhem some time. (laughs)

Z: So where you headed now, looking so spiffy?

GB: Ah'm meetin an old friend wi' some new tricks up her sleeve, hopefully? (laughs)

Z: A sexy French Mademoiselle?

GB: More like a sexy Eastern European Madame mebbe? (giggles) Just kidding!

We wink at him.

Z: Well enjoy your evening Mr. B. and we are looking forward to seeing your upcoming films.

GB: Thanks. See ye aroun'  La La. Land, aye?

Z: Aye!

As he walked away and bent over to pick up a lighter someone had dropped, we did notice Butler was wearing white socks with his shiny black shoes and it made us smile that something was right in the world and as it should be.

Signing off from Cannes,

Zoni with Z (but pronounced like an S)

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the twilight zone of the writer's mind somewhere in LaLa Land.

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