Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Z Report - Footloose and Fancy Free in the Big Apple

Enough already!

Footloose and Fancy Free
in the Big Apple

By LeGrande Dokey

In another example of "females gone wild," we were amused to find that an innocent night out on the town by footloose and fancy free bachelor 300 actor Gerard Butler ended in a near riot outside local NBC hangout and eaterie, McKarmic for Schmucks on Sixth Avenue.

It all started when Butler was invited to attend Saturday Night Live on Saturday as part of an attempt by Lorene Michaels to lure the popular Scot into hosting the program at a future date. With the success of 300, it's nearly naked men and over the top "grand gestures" by it's cast and director, the movie has successfully spawned many a parody from the comic sector. With a lively sense of humor, the effusive Scot and the show seem like a natural match.

While attending the taping, our spies tell us that Butler seemed comforted by the large "cue cards" used in the format, as he was heard telling Michaels that he gets distracted easily and had been worried he'd not be able to remember his lines with all the commotion going on in a live venue such as SNL.

Invited to join the cast and crew after party at Schmucks after the show, Butler was greeted by the paparazzi as they snapped away at their prey when he exited the NBC building. As one female member of the audience walked by Butler the flashbulbs got hotter and more insistent, with some of the shutterbugs trying to come up with a sure sale for the grittier rags about town. One of the photographers yelled "What's a hunky dude like you doing out alone on a Saturday night?" In what looked like a fight with himself, Butler's resisted the impulse to flip the pap off and busied his hands zipping up his jacket. Ignoring the taunt, Butler entered the restaurant.

The real trouble, however, began hours later when the now non drinking Butler, hyped up and emboldened by several Coca Cola and Red Bull combinations, exited the restaurant with several unidentified females to find an ever larger crowd of paparazzi and numerous female fans gathered.

Butler's admirers, who seem to have a built in radar where their favorite Scot is concerned, are reputed to have a network that puts American Online to shame. Once spotted and his whereabouts known, like the Native American smoke signals of old, they text message other fans who live in the area to gather and they come by the droves to warm themselves by the "camp fire" of their idol's toothy grin.

The initial altercation occurred when one of Butler's female threesome, a tall, statuesque brunette was accidently tripped by a "Butler's Babes" sweatshirt clad fan, who in turn, found herself on the receiving end of a 3 inch stiletto heel to the buttocks. Angrily rubbing her shapely, ample fanny the fan managed to get her hands on her assailant's hair and came away with a handful of dark hair extensions.

To make matters worse, one of the paps, trying to get a closer shot of the fight, had his camera  knocked out of his hands by a second fan coming to the aid of her cohort. Flying through the air, the camera smacked a second of Butler's companions on the head and she went down for the count. A concerned Butler, kneeling down at the young woman's side, was heard swearing and shaking the young woman who finally opened her eyes.

One of the paps was quoted as saying that Butler asked her: "Does this mean ye're no' going tae ...(unintelligible)... like ye promised?"
Leaving NBC Studios in NYC
Several of the staffers from SNL stepped into the fray and held back the fans as the other two scantily clad women helped their friend up. Butler was left scratching his head as the three hurried away, trying to hide their faces, with several paps in hot pursuit.

As the crowd was cleared, an obviously angry and disappointed Butler turned to Michaels, who was watching from the sidelines and told him: "Ye see, this is what ah mean about ma life. This is the kind o' stuff that only happens tae me, Gerry Butler!  Just when ah think ah'm gettin' laid after flirtin' all night wi' the "As Ye Like It" massage staff, who happend tae be havin' denner at the next table, ma fans show up an start a riot! F@@kin'  wimmin are becomin' the bane o' ma existence an' ah'm becomin' *g(r)ayer by the minute as we speak!"

Meanwhile we were told Michaels was anxiously trying to find out if anyone had caught the whole fight on film to see if he could use it as material for an opening skit for the in "Life, As He Knows It" or "Smoke Signals of the Intrusive Kind."

As for Butler, he was seen leaving the scene to console himself with a front row ticket to "Female Mud Wrestling as Art" show taking place at The Seventh Regiment Armory in his hand, which Michaels had grudgingly relinquished to him in exchange for a promise to appear on SNL.

Our sources noted Butler was followed at a discreet distance by two paparazzi who were taking bets as to whether the actor would end up going home with a "muddy artiste" that night.


*Our sources could not quite hear what Butler said. We think it was grayer!

Signing off

Zoni with a Z (but pronounced like an S)

Disclaimer: The above event is mostly fictional and took place only in the warped imagination of the writer.

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

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