Friday, August 27, 2010

The Z Report 3-20-08 - Sleepless in Beverly Hills

The Z Report's Coni Undrum was lucky enough to strike up a conversation with 300 and PSILY heartthrob, Gerard Butler, when he stopped in for a late lunch at one of his favorite spots after a day of being photographed not once, but twice by the stalkerazzi press. The hereto flying under the radar actor has become a much sought after target of the "flashbulb desperadoes" due to the noisy clamoring of a growing fan base anxious for a look at their favorite leading man. The following is her report.

by Coni Undrum

Due to a heavy promotion schedule in Hawaii for upcoming film Nim's Island, as well as prepping for his role in one unannounced project and The Ugly Truth to start filming in April, Gerard Butler was still showing some signs of jet lag by his tousled appearance when I caught up with him at lunch today at a favorite 3rd Street hot spot in La La land.

After engaging in some pleasantries, I showed Butler several photographs that appeared on the internet earlier in the day. The unguarded and sleepy looking Scot made the following candid comments and laughed after looking at this photo. 
"Ah leuk like ah'm trying tae stop traffic with a Tai Chi pose..."
"ah leuk sleepy an' puffy ..."

GB: (laughing) Ah leuk like ah'm trying tae stop traffic wi' a Tai Chi pose in this one, heh? Ah kin imagine the speculation goin' on about why ah wis visitin' the medical center.

CU: Would you care to enlighten us?

GB: Actually, ah wis there fer two reasons. Furst o' all ah wis comin' out o' the Sleep Lab, where ah spent the night hooked up tae electrodes fer a sleep study. They wouldna let me sleep onn ma face an' that really wis hard fer me.

The animated Butler pointed at another photo in the bunch.

GB: Ye kin tell ah didna get much sleep, kis ah leuk sleepy an' puffy in this one.

CU: You said two things. What was the other reason?

GB: Well, ye see ah have this friend named Arletta who's goin' tae become Arlo after havin' some sex reassignment surgery, an' ah promised tae meet her at her surgeon's office an' show him what she wants tae leuk like in the 'after' photos, if ye know what ah mean? (grins)

CU: You're not serious?

GB: No, but it sure sounded guid, didn't it?  Wouldn't that set the tongues waggin'. (laughs heartily)

CU: You had me going for a moment there. But back to the sleep study. What keeps you awake at night that you need a sleep study?

GB: It's more like "what disna keep me awake?" A little bit o' everythin'. Stress,  snorin' (ma own), stuffy nose, allergies, probably some sleep apnea, late night an' early mornin'  movie calls, ma dog... the tickin' name it.... An' the older ah get, the warse it gets, sae ah thought ah'd better get it checked out.

CU: Sounds like a good idea. And what did they find?

GB: Well so far all they would tell me is that ah talked in ma sleep an' asked em fer a venti latte wi' extra foam twice durin' the night, an' ah had four erections an' kept shoutin' out while ah wis dreamin' about a seal named Cass an' a seahorse named Oliver trying tae have sex. If ye kin figure that one out y'ere a better pairson than me, kis ah've no idea what it meant!

CU: (laughing) A seahorse and a seal trying to mate? Now that's one for the books.

GB: Yeah, you'd think ah'd be dreamin'  o' dancin' girls an' sultry actresses wanting a piece o' me,  an' instead ah'm officially oan record as gettin' a boner fer a seal instead o' a mermaid. What kin' o' crap is that?

CU: Perhaps your stint on Nim's Island?

GB: Yeah, ah'm sure it wis some o' that,  an' mebbe it was ma doin' the voice over fer the Mariner oan the Black Freighter story. How excitin' is that?

CU: Maybe you're working too hard?

GB: Ye think? Thank God ah'm doin' a comedy wi' Kathleen Heigl next.

CU: Katherine.

GB: Yeah, Katherine. Whatever!  Right now ah'm thinkin' ah really need tae get laid soon or ah'm goin' tae think ah've developed an unhealthy attachment tae marine life from being submerged in the ocean so much lately!

CU: Yes, I heard it was tough going filming Nim's.

GB: Well, no' only that. Ye know Zack Snyder is quite the taskmaster. He wis no' happy wi me just doin' the voice over fer the Mariner. No.  Ah really had tae get intae the mood by tying maself tae an ocean bound raft tied wi bobbin' coconut heads full o' red paint an' bein slowly pulled by a power boat an'  look at Zack sittin' in the boat wi'  this giant megaphone shoutin' at me...."are ye feelin' the rage yet, Gerry? Are ye feelin the rage?" Fer a minute ah had a touch o' deja' vous an' thought ah wis back filmin' Butterfly On a Wheel.
Leaving Dr. Needlewang's
It's no wonder ah'm havin' crazy dreams.

CU: Wow, now that's really wanting you to get in character. Well, at least he kept his word on getting you into Watchmen some way.

GB: Aye, but ah'm thinkin' he was just torturin' me wi' the raft routine fer me bein' a pain in the arse an' all the flack ah gave em while filmin' 300.  Wi' that sweet little smile o' his,  Zack's like an elephant that naiver forgets. (laughs)

CU: Really?

GB: Ah'm kiddin, but .....yeah..ah'm just jokin' aroun'. The guy really luves me. (makes a face)

CU: Well at least it's good to know you were feeling good enough to go to the gym later today when this was next shot was taken.

GB: Naw. Ah wis no' really at the gym. Ah wis seein' ma acupuncturist tae see if he could give me some pain relief from a toothache on the left side o' ma mouth that's botherin' me. Ah can't get intae see the dentist till tomorrow. See how puffy ma left side is?

CU: You were at the acupuncturist and not the gym?

GB: Aye, ah went in an' out the alley in back an' in through the gym tae fool the razzi that were trailing me all day. It becomes a game after a while. Can't ye see the smile oan ma face here kis ah fooled em?

CU: Bet that felt good.

GB: Yep, did it ever!

CU: Did the treatment help?

GB: Sure. Dr. Needlewang is the best! He's the one helped me tae quit smokin' too!

CU: Well perhaps if they get to the bottom of your sleeplessness, he can help you there too?

GB: Well he said has this good leuking niece he's been wantin' tae introduce me to, but ah dinna want to spoil the relationship by complicating matters wi' dating a relative. Bein' as things tend tae git complicated.....

CU: No, I meant by prescribing some Chinese medicine.

GB: Well, ah think that's what he wis talkin' about when he mentioned his niece.

CU: No, I meant as in herbs.

GB: Oh, ye mean that crazy smellin' stuff ye brew in water?

CU: Yes.

GB: Ah'd rather take ma chances wi' the niece, even if she tarns out tae leuk like the seal. Mebbe if she wears one o' those sexy chamsong dresses it will be all right?

CU: You mean a Cheongsam dress?

(thinking it over an making a face)
GB: Yes that's whit ah said. An' if she's really ugly, ah'll put a blindfold oan an tell her ah'm intae kinky sex an' kin only perform in the dark. That really ought tae test ma visualization powers fer sure, along wi' all the other guid things ah learnt in India.

CU: How was your trip to India?

GB: (smiling) 'Twas great! Ah got ma fill o' terrific Indian food, although ah gotta confess ah really learnt the meaning o' "fire in the belly" over some o' the local curries. Man that stuff comes out as spicy as it goes down, if ye get ma drift, an' then it becomes a pain in the arse, literally. 

In India at Oneness Uni
CU: (smiling ) What else, besides the food, did you enjoy?

GB: It's a very speeeritual country an' the local lasses are also very awe inspirin'.   Awe inspirin'....awe inspiring ......ah'm gettin better at usin' it.

CU: Using what?

GB: One o' ma fans told me tae stop using the wort "awesome" kis she noticed ah'd picked it up an' wis usin' it lately. She said it was a grossly misused wort in the American vernacular these days an' had totally lost its value from bein used so trivially. Besides' she said it sounded kin' o' lame comin' from a supposedly educated Scot an' ah should use "awe inspirin" instead, kis it sounded more intelligent, so ah'm trying it out. Whit do ye think?

CU: I think you have a very smart fan.

GB: Ah got lots o' smairt fans. Lots o' nutty ones too, but ah guess ye get the guid wi' the no' sae guid an', as long as they go tae see ma films, ah'll have tae grin an bare it.

Actually giggling.

GB: That wis a joke!

CU: You were saying about India?

GB: Oh yeah. Ah saw lots o' pretty places an' bonnie faces too! Ah visited some temples an' talked tae some speeritual leaders who were verra wise.

CU: Did you bathe in the Ganges?

GB: Ah'm tryin to become more speeeritual, not kill maself!   Ah'm no' the healthiest pairson in the warld already, sae ah dinna need tae go leukin fer more trouble. It already finds me even when ah dinna go leukin'. God knows what ah'd be dreamin' o' wi' a dip in those waters.  It leuks beautiful though!

CU: I see what you mean. What was your favorite part of India?
India:  Discussing elevating the yang.

GB: (deadpanning) Comin' home? (giggles) Just kiddin! Ah loved all the color an' the pagentry an' the simple, intelligent, speeeritual conformity an' peacefulness o' the people. It makes ye slow down a little an' try tae figure out why we are always in such a hurry for everything an' so afraid o' everythin' else. Ah want a bit o' that.

CU: Will you keep pursuing this spiritual quest?

GB: O' course. While ah'm still dreamin'  o' seals an' seahorses, ah think it best tae get tae the bottom o' it all. Mebbe ah'm goin tae be a seahorse in ma next life, if there is such a thing,  so ah'd better figure it out before ah git there,  kis mating wi' a seal isna the smartest thing tae do an' an early death wish at best. (laughing)

CU: (laughing) True

The waiter brought Butler his lunch and we thought it was time to depart and let him eat in peace.

CU: Thanks for your time.

GB: Ma pleasure. Thanks fer no' askin'  stupid questions. They drive me nuts after a while.

Butler ravenously dug into his plate and we left him curiously studying a statuesque model- type settling in at the next table. We had the feeling he would not be alone for long and might perhaps get his wish of being "laid" that night.

Signing off for now,

*the no longer feverish
Zoni with a Z (but prounounced with an S)

Disclaimer: This story is only a figment of the writers imagination and did not actually take place, (although it could have) and is posted for entertainment purposes only.

* I'm rusty and wanted to get something up and these pictures provided some inspiration, regardless of how lame my attempt at doing them justice turned out. 

Comment 8-27-2010 = Gerry's puffy photos turned out to be due to dental work he'd just had I wasn't far off in my thoughts.

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