|Who will be the first ta try on the new uniform?|
by zonistonate (Mon Jun 25 2007 02:34:10)
UPDATED Wed Jun 27 2007 18:00:49
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - MORNING
King Leonidas has gathered his Spartans early in the morning.
Leonidas: (raising his voice) Spartans this is a special day. Today our designer finished the new codpieces. We are going ta have a formal unveiling of the new model this mornin'. As you know they've been working furiously ta improve the design so they will give us more room and can be more easily removed for both necessary functions and dire emergencies, which we all know arise from time ta time.
Dilios: (raising his hand) Leonidas, have you seen what they look like?
Leonidas: I've seen a drawing, but the final design will be a surprise ta me too. Sweet Gorgo has seen it and promises me it is much improved over our present ones. (looking over their heads) Ah, here comes Sertuchio now.
The old, bent over leather worker comes hobbling over to Leonidas, followed by his band of helpers.
Leonidas: Who will be the first to try on our new uniform?
Sertuchio: Great Leonidas, since you were so aptly nicknamed the "third leg" while going through Spartan training school, we thought it fitting we should make the first to fit your more than ample proportions.
Leonidas: Well, er.....not what I had in mind...but ....okay!
Sertuchio motions to his helpers to hold up the sheet surrounding Leonidas so he can be fitted for the new codpiece. We hear many ooohs and ahhhs coming from behind the sheet.
When the sheet is finally removed with much fanfare and the helpers depart, Leonidas stands resplendant in his new codpiece. Instead of the round leather pouch to support his ample manhood, this new model is conical in appearance and pertrudes several inches further in front. Instead of cinching with the strap, it now has some "velcro" like patches that allow it to be ripped off in a hurry. Sertuchio stands there admiring his new handiwork.
There is a quiet among Leonidas' men, as they all gape at this new contraption they are going to have to wear.
Leonidas looks down at it, unsure of what to say.
Leonidas: (doubtful) Er, Sertuchio, don't you think this is a little Egyptian looking? (walking a few feet) I feel like a walking Pyramid. If I accidently get too close to someone, this thing becomes a lethal weapon. Couldn't we round this out?
Sertuchio: Oh no, great Leonidas. This is the newest fad now. Round is out and pointy is in.
Leonidas: (narrowing his eyes) Ye're kiddin' me right? I feel like I'm wearin' one of the bra cups from the Blond Ambition tour!
Zack: CUT. CUT!
Gerry: (shaking his head and turning to Zack) I know I said I could do this, but I can't! This is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of. I knew I should never have introduced Madonna ta Miller. What the fu ck was he thinking?
Zack: Take 10 fellas!
He turns to Gerry.
Zack: I promised Frank I would stay true to his work, Gerry. It worked with 300 and I'm hoping lightening will strike twice.
Gerry: Yeah, lightening is going ta strike all right! Right down on my head and my career if I wear this fu cking thing. I feel like a rocket about ta go off. Look at it! (he sticks his pelvis out) It's bad enough he let her write the new Spartan fighting song, but with these things we won't need spears to kill the enemy. We can just bump and grind em ta death!
Zack starts laughing in spite of himself.
Zack: We could turn this into a musical called The Thrusting Spartan!
Garry: See, even you can see it's ridiculous.
Zack: Okay, okay. I'll get costuming to change it a bit. In the meantime, play along and we'll just shoot your scenes from the waist up.
Zack looks at it again, and struggles to keep a straight face.
Zack: You gotta admit Butler, it showcases one of your particular talents very well. And think of the rapidity of removing the thing. One pull and you're all set. You could go for a 68 second record!
Gerry: (sarcastically) Ye made a funny Snyder. And here ye said ye couldn't act!
Zack: (laughter) Yeah, I guess if anyone saw you coming in that get up they'd run the other way. Perhaps they need an extra performer for La Cage aux Folles? I can see it now. Your name up in lights. (palms up in the air) Rocketman!
One of the crew comes up and takes a picture of Gerry, then runs off.
Gerry: HEY! NO PHOTOS! (Turning to Zack) Come on Zack. Get that guy back here. If I hear of more pictures of me plastered all over someone elses bathroom, I'm going to hunt you down and personally blow smoke in your face for a week.
Zack: (pretending to be scared) And here I thought you quit.
Gerry: I did. But I'll start up again, just for that purpose. I want that camera, ye hear me?
Zack. Okay, cool down. I'll talk to him. Don't worry.
Gerry: I'm going to change this thing and when I get back I want that film.
He stalks off with a titter of laughter from the remaining crew.
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - A FEW DAYS LATER
The sign on the "clickity clack" says LEONIDAS AND GORGO'S WEDDING REHEARSAL SCENE
Leonidas approaches Gorgo wearing his new red cape and his brand new leather codpiece.
The new model features a hinged leather cup in front that can be opened for convenience without removing the full codpiece.
Gorgo looks beautiful in her silk sheet, attractively draped and adorned with a copper spider pin.
Leonidas: Gorgo. Ye look beautiful. I'm so glad ta see you wearin' the pin I had made for ye ta celebrate our first meeting.
Gorgo: It's beautiful Leonidas. It will always remind me of that day. (she looks him over) You look very handsome. I must say, the new codpieces have been a big hit.
Leonidas: Well, yeah. They are certainly more convenient...as you well know.
Gorgo: (blushing) Shhh beloved. People will hear you.
Leonidas: Sorry, sorry. (putting his arm out for her) Shall we go and get this rehearsal over with so I can get back ta teaching my men the new Spartan song.
Gorgo: How is that going?
Leonidas: Well, aside from Dilios drowning everyone out, it seems to be progressing well.
Gorgo: You have such a wonderful voice Leonidas. I cannot see anyone drowning you out. Why my Mum was very fond of saying how your voice could be heard from a mile away.
Leonidas: I dinna think she meant that in a good way, sweet Gorgo.
Gorgo: Perhaps. But would you sing a few bars of the new song for me?
Leonidas: Well, sure. Let me see if I can get my pitch right. He takes a stance and starts tapping the floor with his sandals.
Spartans really groove
They sure know how ta move.
And when they thrust their spears,
intentions really clear
you know you need ta move,
or fall inta the groove.
No man nor beast can best them,
don't even try ta test em.
As far as you're concerned
they forgot more then you've learned.
Today we sing this ode
ta celebrate Spartan code.
Gorgo looks at him in what appears to be awe.
Leonidas: I'm still learning the rest of the lyrics, but that's a sample.
Gorgo: (dubious) That's quite a song. Who did you say was responsible for writing this?
Leonidas: I think this came straight from the Oracle. At least that's what that old geezer who cleans up after the Ephors said.
Gorgo: Hmmmm. Well, perhaps it gets better......
Leonidas: I fu cking doubt it! I can't believe I let myself be talked into this fu cking movie!
Zack: CUT! CUT!
Gerry: This is definitely the end of my career. And here I was worried about Butterfly. That was a cake walk compared to this.
He takes the water bottle from a crew member and chugs it.
Gerry: (angry) I'm not doing the rap step. I'm drawing a line in the sand. I don't care if Madonna has promised to star in Sin City 6 for Frank. You tell him that for me!
He's getting ready to stalk off the set when one of the crew hands him a copy of the National Enquirer. He opens it up as Zack looks over his shoulder.
There in living color, is the photograph of Leonidas in the conical codpiece. The headline screams.....
BUTLER ENHANCED! SURGERY OR ARTEFILL?
Zack quickly puts his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.
Gerry covers his head with the paper.
Gerry: Oh God, I'm ruined!
Disclaimer: The usual "this all takes place only in the mind of the would be writer" applies again.
Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate