Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Z Report - 4-19-08

The new *Perfidio Rubiroso?
I'll Bet You One Hole in the Shirt and Raise You a Rubiroso!

By L. Spitkis

The Z Report's Luva Spitkis was privileged to attend the Hot Hollywood party, tinsel town's annual bash to honor the sizzling celebrity designers of the moment and their muses. It was a colorful evening, given the mix of styles and dress, and the stars were coming out of the woodwork to mingle with their fashion faves.

We spoke to several of the attendees backstage, including the "ex Spartan King Leo turned party boy" Gerard Butler and asked him if he was seriously vying for the title formerly held by Porfirio Rubiroso?

We got a blank stare and a "Perfidia wha?" from the hot Scot who was unfamiliar with the infamous Rubiroso, once the talk of the town and dubbed "the last real playboy" for his international jet setting lifestyle and legendary prowess with women.

LS: Do you consider yourself a playboy?

Butler: Well ah dunno. Ah'm a boy an' ah like tae play....does that count?

He gave me a cute, if embarrassed smile. 

With ET's Cheryl Woodcock

LS: We heard you talking to ET's Cheryl Woodcock and when she asked you what you thought about being one of the hottest stars in Hollywood, you gave her one of your typically ironic answers......

Butler interrupted me. e

Butler: Which will be misinterpreted by some as me bein' full o' maself fer sure, right?

I smiled at his astute analysis of the probable.

LS: Is it hard for you to deal with this "hot" guy in town thing?

Butler: "It's a bit embarrassin', all the attention, bit ah gotta admit ah luve it just the same. Only trouble is ah got ma Mum callin' me tae ask if ah got enough clean underwear fer the week all the time. (laughs) It's like, "yeah Mum, ah'm no' goin' tae be an' embarrassment to yer mothering skills cause ah run out o' clean drawers while livin' up tae ma fame as a fooker! (laughs)

LS: Well she's probably going to be calling you tomorrow, if that's the case, because you've got a hole in your shirt. Sorry to point it out.

Butler: (sarcastically) Yeah...ah'm already thinkin' o' tarning ma phone off. (laughing) Ye're never goin' tae believe how that happened.

LS: Care to enlighten us?

Butler: Ye want the real story or the one the rags are goin' tae report?

LS: Why not give us both versions and let us guess?

Butler: Oh that's a good one! Let me give ye several in that case, kis that's where the fun starts. Here's story nummer one:

Butler puts his hands up to set the scene for us.

Butler: "GerARD Butler was spotted maulin' and exchangin' spit wi' some unknown blonde at the bar an' between smooches was seen chuggin' doon mouthfuls o' some unknown cocktail....tae make the spit go down easier."

Butler pauses for thought, then continues....again mugging it up for us.

Butler: "The blonde actress was so horny fer his bod that she grabbed him by the tee shirt, puttin' her fingernail through the collar an' practically rippin' it off his pairson."

The hole in the T
 An' how about.....

"After disappearing fer several minutes, err, make that 72 seconds........the husky Scottish hunk retarned an' walked aroun' the rest o' the evenin' wi' a hole in his shirt, lipstick smudges on the collar o' his jacket and elsewhere, an' a smile on his face."

We smiled knowingly.

Butler: Ye like that one, dae ye?   I do too, cep fer the drinkin' thing. Ah was drinking a coke though it's not exotic enough fer some. No' way a pairson like me kin go to a party or a bar an' no' be drinkin' again, right?  Who cares about the truth anyways? This is Hollywood.....Everything goes!

LS: I sympathize with you about the booze, but the rest sounds plausible. Is it true?

Butler shrugs his shoulders.

Buter: Ye know what? Ah think ah'll just leave it at that. The truth is kinda borin' anyways.

After waving to a friend he excused himself and left us.

Curiosity getting the best of us after his comment about truth in Hollywood, I hunted down Butler's manager, Alan Siegel, who was observing the party while munching on the night's bounty with his friend designer David Meister.

LS: Mr. Siegel, we were just talking to your partner/client Gerard Butler and wondered if you would care to tell us how he got the hole in his shirt? It wasn't there when he walked down the red carpet earlier in the evening.

Siegel and Meister looked at each other and started laughing.

AS: It's very simple really. When Gerry walked off the red carpet and came to greet us, David here noticed he had a thread hanging from the V neckline of his shirt.

He smiles at David.

AS: You know how designers are...? David immediately whipped out a pair of pocket scissors he keeps on his key chain and reached over to snip the thread at the same moment Gerry decides to turn and wave to someone who had just spotted him.

He laughs.

AS: You know that man cannot stand still....and David, who was holding the thread tautly in one hand....accidentally pulled and snipped as Butler turned.....and the shirt gave way at the seam.

DM: (laughing) Yes, and unfortunately, I don't carry spare thread around, although one needs a whole emergency kit where Butler is concerned sometimes.

After congratulating Meister and thanking Siegel for his candor, I had a good laugh as I walked away, thinking how far from the other story it was and how really typical of the way things are viewed in this town. I also shook my head and pictured how the ironic Butler must have loved walking around, watching the speculation hounds have a field day with it. It was probably part of his silent "sport" for the evening.

I had not personally observed Butler smooching with any blondes at the bar, but it was a big party and it might have been the case. I did, however, notice a LOT of women.....and quite a few men too, glancing shyly (and well, some of the women NOT so shyly) at the Scot and trying to get a few moments of his time. Many hugs and photo opportunities were exchanged because, after all, actors and other glitterati are fans of each other too.

We took note that Butler was also glancing at some other A-listers himself and he looked like a kid at the ice cream counter, wondering if he should have another scoop added to his already triple decker cone of the evening.

Signing off,

Zoni with an S (but pronounced with a Z)

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the twilight zone of the writer's mind somewhere in LaLa Land. 

*Perfidio fits Gerry better.

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