Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Z Report - The Awful Truth or Not?

Tuesday, February 18, 2008

This interview with Scottish hunk Gerard Butler was featured on the "Truth is for Sissies" website.

The Awful Truth or Not?
By Hermen Dacity

Yesterday we caught up with bearded 300 Spartan hunk Gerald Butler as he ventured out of his self imposed quarantine in a luxurious ski chalet in the Utah mountains. Mr. Butler, who admitted to suffering from cabin fever, decided to take his dog for a walk (out of the she was suffering from a mild case of frostbite to her paws) in downtown Park City. We caught up with them both as they stopped for lunch at The Vindaloo Curry Shanty.

While Butler ordered some lassi and a vegetable curry, which he told us was part of his "get healthy in three weeks or die" diet, he agreed to answer some of our questions.

After settling his plaid sweater clad (with matching booties) pug Lolita in one of the chairs and giving her a veggie bone, he gave us his full attention.

HD: You have been working non-stop for several years now and with another film due to start shooting in April, is this self-imposed quarantine getting you ready to tackle your new role?

GB: "Not exactly. It's pairt o' ma attempt at reversin' the aging process by breathing fresh air, eatin' healthy food, an' gettin' some much needed rest, which doesna seem tae happen unless ah take drastic measures.   I'm also tryin' tae keep away from anyone smokin' in ma presence, since ma willpower is bein' constantly challenged out in the warld. Do ye have any idea how many actor's smoke?

HD: Yeah, it's the "staying thin" thing. Are you succeeding?

GB: "Well, sorta, cep I keep gettin' lonely fer some company an' both ma speeritual guide an' ma massage therapist keep sneakin' out tae have a smoke an' ma new found olefactory nairve keeps pickin' up on it when they come back in. Ah guess I have tae get used tae it, as ma co-star in ma next film smokes like a chimney."

HD: Speaking of your next film, why on earth are you doing a comedy whose premise has been hashed and rehashed several times over?

GB: (Laughs) "Well ma Mum will probably kill me fer sayin' this, but it's really tae please her. Ye see, when ah told her ah was readin' a script tae co-star wi' Katherine Heigl she told me ah had to do it cause ah owed her. She's a fan o' McDreamy and McSteamy an' she made me promise ah'd put it in ma contract that she be invited to visit the set o' Grey's Anatomy sae she could meet em."

HD: Let me get this straight. You signed on for a movie to please your mom?

GB: (Laughing again, before digging into his food) "That's naithin!  Ah've got ma agent trying tae get me a gig wi' George Clooney cause ma Auntie Kathleen says his silver locks tarn her on!"

HD: You're kidding of course?

GB: "Well, sorta, but ah gotta mention ma mum at least once in ma interviews. She's ma good luck charm."

As Butler starts waving wildly to summon the waitress to get some water for his dog, I continue with my questions.

HD: With L.A. Italia Film Festival going on in Los Angeles now, do you feel you are missing out on catching up with old friends, especially since you are in-between shoots now?

GB: (Smiling slyly) "Ma friend Pascal Vicedomini called me up couple o' weeks ago an' asked if ah would be a guest, but when ah found out Lindsay Lohan an' Joan Collins were attending, ah was afraid the gossip rags would try tae link me up wi' one o' em, so ah begged off."

At this point he started laughing and mugging for me.

GB: "Can ye picture the headlines? 'The infamous hound dog Gerard Butler was sniffin' aroun' the ladies. Later in the evening Butler was seen servin' as the ham between a sandwich o' "Loopy Lohan" and the Queen o' Mean, Joan Collins."

Butler sobers up.

GB: "Besides, ah don't know which o' these two scares me the most. Wi' ma luck ah'd end up knockin' off Collins' wig an' she'd kill me fer sure. (Laughs) After ma expeeriences wi' Nami when she put ma heid in a vise after askin' her which dead squirrel she was goin' to wear one day, ah swore off women who wear wigs, no matter how nice their arses. Put a wig on a women's head an' her sense o' humor goes out the window. Must be the heat under the thing!"

HD: Back to L.A. Italia. You had several friends attending, including 300 Producer Mark Canton, who we hear got lost on the escalators and later kept growling: "Where the hell is Butler? If I have to attend this thing, why doesn't he?"

GB: Oh, that Pascal is a rascal. He can talk anybody into anythin' without takin' a breath in between. Ah get accused o' blabberin' away, but he makes me look like Silent Sam." (Laughing) " In actual fact, ah think Mark just wanted tae go tae Ischia fer some action away from his kids, so he got roped inta helping wi' the L.A. thing."

HD: Your friend Raoul Bova has two movies showing at this year's festival. Don't you feel bad not supporting him?

GB: "Yeah, but ah havna talked tae him since he decided to switch agencies and managers. He's gone back tae doin' Italian movies cause people understand  him better in Italy. Kinda like me an' ma burr. Although ma "Merican" accent has improved one hundred percent since ah've been listenin' tae your President speak on U-Tube! (Laughs at his own joke) Raoul's a nice guy though an' ah'll touch base wi' him in Ischia next year if ah can make it!"

HD: Do your friends complain about your schedule these days? We know you don't have time for a serious relationship with women, but do you even have time to see your buddies?

GB: "Some o' ma mates think ah'm nuts, especially ma friend Ariel. However, ah told him he wouldna know a crazy pairson if he ran inta em wi' a car. Ye ever see his film Danika? Ah still canna figure out what the de'il that was about.   An' he has the nairve tae call me crazy?"

Finished with his curry, Butler orders Mango ice cream with whipped cream, which he says is his concession to decadency on his diet. He tells us he puts on a pair of snowshoes everyday and goes for a long trek to build stamina.

HD: Don't you find the snowshoes hard to maneuver?

GB: "Yeah, but ah'm gettin' better at it each day. Ah didna use them the first day an' got stuck in a stream that was covered wi' snow when ah veered off the path. Ye can't imagine how embarrassin' it is tae have tae call a tow truck tae pull yer ass outta the snow when yer up tae yer chest in it. Ma manager Alan managed tae bribe the tow truck driver no' tae talk about it. Ah guess he just wasted some quid, since ah just blabbed it tae ye. (chuckles)

HD: With your current reputation as a ladies man, don't you get lonely for female company up here?

GB: (grinning widely) Well, in a sense, ah'm testin' ma will power about that too. Ma fans have been on ma case lately about what they call "ma manwhorish wummunizn," so ah'm trying tae stay out o' the limelight fer awhile.

HD: You mean you actually listen to your fans?

GB: "Nah, but it sounded good, dinna it? (laughs heartily again) Well, ah got tae go an' get back tae ma hermit existence. Good talking tae ye."

HD: Thanks for being so candid, man.

GB: Ye're welcome!   Ah'm sure ah've managed tae be indiscreet about somethin' an' ah'll get a call from ma publicist in short order when they get wind o' it. (laughs)

After paying the bill and leaving a generous tip, Butler picked up his dog and exited the restaurant.

To our surprise,  we spied the young waitress, who had served him earlier, waiting for him outside and after letting his dog lick her face, they departed together.

Kermit the hermit he ain't!

Signing off

Zoni with a Z (but pronounced like an S)

Disclaimer: The above interview is entirely fictional and took place in the mind of the writer only.

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