Monday, August 30, 2010

The Z Report - 4-13-10 - A Walk in the (Thunder) Clouds

Confrontation with the paparazzi.
 by zonistonate   38 seconds ago (Sun Apr 13 2008 00:54:54)

A Walk in the (Thunder) Clouds

There comes a time in every actor's life when he has to sit down and take stock of how far he's come on the road to fame and check the compass to see if he is still headed down the same route he set sail for at the at the beginning of his quest for fame. If he finds the wind has shifted and he is heading into a thunderstorm, some will simply chart a new course and circumvent the storm. There are others, though, who see the thunderclouds and know the shortest route is going through the storm and hanging on for dear life, even at the risk that their boat will flounder and or/worse, capsize.

From what we've observed of Gerard Butler lately, he seems to be bent on the latter. Despite many attempts by his publicists to curb his ironic jocularity, it is still going full steam (to the delight of some), and even on a beautiful, sunny day he will encounter clouds simply by putting his mouth in motion before his brain has a chance to engage. With the latest furor over the Cameron Diaz fiasco, we can only imagine the conversations between his management and his publicist. Perhaps they might have gone like this:

Publicist: Alan, hang on to your hair and tune in to TMZ. Seems Gerry called Cameron Diaz a dog while he was out jogging today.

Alan: Oh s_hit! You've got to be kidding me. Please say he didn't do that?

Publicist: Well, not in so many words, but tune in and you be the judge.

Alan: Let me check it out and I'll call you back!

Alan's significant other comes in the room as Alan is trying to find the video.

SO: What's the matter Alan? You look like you need a hug.

Alan: I need a stiff drink is what I need. Butler's done it again. He's compared Cameron Diaz to Lolita.

SO: Oh, oh. Why would he do that?

Alan: Because he's bent on making me lose the last of my hair, that's why.

SO: Oh you poor baby. Let me make you a cup of green tea.

Alan: Tea? I need some Valium. There goes all my hours of trying to get her agent to read the script JP and I sent him for the project we were working on.

SO: Did he really call her a dog?

Alan: No, but the paparazzi took his little sarcastic remark and are running with it.'s on three different blogs already!

Significant Other watches the video with Alan and starts laughing.

Alan: It's not funny.

SO: No, but typical Gerry. I'm surprised he hasn't called you yet.

Alan: He will. Once the words were out of his mouth he probably realized he screwed up and he knows I'm going to be pissed.

SO: Time for some damage control. I've heard Diaz loves to wear gardenias in her hair ocasionally and with this hot weather.....

Alan: Yeah. Good thing we opened up an account with another florist. With Butler in LA filming this movie we're going to be owning a florist shop soon from the looks of it.

The phone rings and Alan picks it up.

GB: Alan?' Ah suppose Joy aaready called ye?

Alan: You supposed right. What on earth possessed you?

GB: Same thing always possesses me. Ah wis annoyed an' tryin' tae be cute. Ah f_ucked up hah?

Alan: Looks like it. 

" if I take my dog for a walk...
I’m f dog?"
GB: Well, ah aaready wrote a note tae Cameron.

Alan: I'm calling Poison Ivy right now and ordering some gardenias. Have someone take the note down so it can be delivered with the flowers.

GB: She likes gardenias? How do you know?

Alan: (dryly) A little bird told me.

GB: Okay. Ah really dinna call her a dawg though.

Alan: Yeah, well tell that to the pap.

GB: Ah will. Next time ah f_uckin see em.

Alan: No, please. Just smile and ignore them.

GB: F_ck, ye know ah'm no guid at doin' that.   Ah am tryin' though.

He hangs up the phone.

Alan: (to SO) Better double up on my Rogaine tonight!

We can only imagine what was going through Butler's head before, during and after the incident. If he had to tell it it MIGHT go like this:

Butler: Well there ah wis, mindin' ma own f_uckin business an' takin advantage o' the beautiful weather, warmin up fer ma run an' listenin' tae one o' ma new Deepak meditation tapes, when a realized there wis a camera oan me.

Interviewer: You run to meditation tapes?

Butler: Nah, ah run tae music, but ah warm up an' cool doon tae some visualization tapes.

Interviewer: I see. And what happened when you saw the cameras?

Butler: See, ah wis playin' in the Highlands wi' Lolita.... well no' really the Highlands, but in ma heid ah go thare tae escape, an' so ah had ma dawg on the brain when the pap asked me the question about who ah wis seein' an' whether ah wis datin' Cameron an' naturally, ah wis f_uckin' annoyed kis they were bringin' me out o' ma almost meditative' the furst thing came tae ma mind wis the comparison o' walkin' ma dog an' by the time ah realized how it musta sounded, ah wis aaready half way down the block and ah knew ah was in trouble.   Even on a braw day ah got a little dark cloud that follaes me aroun'. It's been there since ah wis a kid an' when ah'm ma happiest it naver fails tae drop a few sprinkles oan me tae remind me it's there.  It's a Scottish thing. Ma friends say ah should give it a name.

Now we can only imagine what Cameron Diaz was thinking when the news reached her. She is another joker, so perhaps she understood the humor and she is certainly well acquainted with the paparazzi and their tricks, so perhaps her tranquillity was not disturbed too much. We can imagine it went down like this:

CD's Father: Oye Cami linda? Ese Escoses bruto que te llamo' un dog esta loco? Quieres que yo call a mi amigo en el Cuban Mafia que lo pongan a dormir with the fishes esta noche?

CD: No papi lindo! El es un loco, pero he's okay. Solo tiene una big mouth pero no es bad. Yo hablare' con el mas tarde a clear up las cosas. No te worry por me! Yo soy un big girl y puedo take care de mi misma.

CD's Father: Estas segura, mi baby?

CD: Si papi. I'm sure.

The following item appeared on the website on 4-12-08:

Last night the lovely Ms. Cameron Diaz was spotted dining at Koi with friends. Decked out in a white, summery Zac Posen silk and linen organza *dress with a large, fragrant gardenia in her hair, the tanned Diaz related to friends that the gardenia was a gift from actor Gerard Butler. When asked if she and Butler were an item, she smiled demurely and refused to comment, adding that she was really more fond of his dog!

And so, dear friends, we close another day in the life of Gerard Butler and his Hollywood adventures and you might say that this particular incident is just a little more water under the proverbial bridge, or in this case, a few scattered showers from one man's personal little thundercloud.

Signing off,

Zoni with a Z (but prounounced with an S)

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the twilight zone of the writer's mind somewhere in LaLa Land.

For those of you who are interested in Cami's dress:

I tried it on and though a perfect fit, I looked like a creampuff left out in the sun too long, but on her it probably would look good. 

NOTE:  Two days after I posted this, Cameron Diaz' father died very suddenly.  It was a very sad day.  I imagined his conversation to his much loved daughter and was in no way making fun of either of them.

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate


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