Monday, August 16, 2010

The Lovely King Leonidas and the 300 Parody: Dating Gorgo

After following the making of the blockbuster 300 and finally seeing the finished product, I was posting on a thread discussing the movie on IMDb. Thus the 300 Prequel: Dating Gorgo was born. I meant it as a moment's fun, but the clamor for more from some of his fans kept me burning the midnight oil and I have to confess that this is where I realized I could get some praise for my writing and really test the waters to see if I had any real talent that people might eventually recognize. I am going to post it with some of the feedback I got at the time and after each chapter, where pertinent, I will try to give a key to the characters and who they represent. This parody was all done tongue in cheek and it is needless to say that I have great admiration for all the people, real and not, that I write about and that all the incidents and stories are children of my fertile imagination and in no way reflect anything that was said and done by their real life selves.

Dating Gorgo: The Beginning   June 18, 2007

They could do a prequel of King Leo courting Gorgo. With as busy as GB is going to be, I can see it now:

Leonidas: (shouting) "Come out sweet Gorgo. Tonight we dine at Mum's house" .

Gorgo: (annoyed) "Damn it Leonidas, can't you keep your voice down, I'm not really hard of hearing you know."

Leonidas: "Dinna fash yoursel' bonny Gorgo. Ma Da always taught me ta shout when I'm craving something and ye're the thing I'm hankerin' fer! So can ye no' shimmy out of that next to nothing toga ye're wearin' and give this lad a whirl? Och'! You've no idea how confinin' a leather codpiece can be when yer wee boy wants ta come out and play."

Lena: (turning to Zack) "He's at it again! How am I supposed to stay in character when he can't even remember which movie he's doing?"

Gerry: (to Zack) "Oh yeah, I forgot I'm supposed to be Greek! Sorry, sorry. I'm getting shell shock from all these quick turnarounds. I was channeling Burns, or is it Jimmy Malone? I forget what I forgot. F^ck! Send someone to Starbucks and bring me another latte! Wait! Maybe I need a nap instead?"

Zack:: (sighing patiently) "Okay Ger, we did the botox, the fillers, even whitened your teeth again, plus we shaved the beard down, and gave you a bodysuit. We even sent out for the manscaping artist you requested and she wasn't cheap! But you gotta remember your lines, pal, or there's no way anyone's going to buy you as a younger Leonidas."
(Zack enunciating clearly)
"Now let's go through it one more time. It's TURN, not TARN, and we've eliminated both Earth and Water, so all you have to say is: `Turn left at the little copse beyond the well and I'll be waiting for you. No one will look for us there.'

"Then you take her hand and say: `I promise you you're in for one wild ride.'
"Got it?"

Gerry: (to Zack) "Got it! (puzzled) But that last line sound familiar to you?"

Disclaimer: My imitation of a Scottish accent stinks, I know.

Dating Gorgo:  Part 2

I'm trying to quit smoking for the 76th time ...
June 19th, 2007
Dating Gorgo

Zack: "We call it recycled material, Ger. You know there are just so many things you can do with these graphic cartoons Frank writes. Besides I think all that leering he did for the 300 promotion photos has made him a bit wacky. We'll be lucky to get an R rating for this one! You know it's bad when Wisdom and Fassbender refused the script with their "coming of age" friendship line...if you know what I mean?"

Gerry: "Yeah, what's up with that? I didn't appreciate him pinching my butt when he was on set the other day and I sure didn't buy his "just want to make sure it's up to Leonidas strength" crap.

Zack: "He's just going through a phase. He's been hard at work on a story about Batman and Superman meeting. I hear Joel Shoemacher is going to direct.

(turning to Lena)
Zack: "Okay, let's go again!"

Lena: "Zack, do you think we can change that first love scene to Gorgo being on top? Ger's put on a few pounds and, damn, I can barely get my lines out when he sits on me."

Gerry: "Bit ch! You could do with a few pounds yourself. This is supposed to be ancient Greece, not the runway for Lagerfelds' summer line!"

Lena: (to Zack) "I told you all the sh it has gone to his head. He's even got poor Rupert walking the dog again, not to mention keeping track of the procession of young chicks in his trailer all the time. Hope he's checking birth certificates!"

Gerry: "Hey, don't call Loly a dog! Besides Rupert likes the variety. He's tired of body blocking fans. The Capone ones were particularly nasty. Did you see his nose? He ran into one that looked like Tony Soprano and wanted a hug. Wouldn't take no for an answer. That was after he laid out my bodyguard! Rupert's Karate classes have really been paying off though! The man's fearless now!"

Lena: (sarcastically) "Yeah, yeah, we know the fans love you!"

Zack: "Cool it guys! You're supposed to be in love in this movie, remember? Make nice!"

Gerry walks up and embraces Lena.

Gerry: "Sorry Lena. I'm trying to quit smoking for the 76th time and you know how crabby that makes me. The chicks help!"

Zack: "Okay. Places everyone! We're going around again. Remember's TURN."

Gerry: "Yeah, yeah, I'm working with the dialogue coach again. Tarn, Tarn, Tarn.....I got it!"

Zack: (rolling his eyes and sighing) MAKE UP! Touch up Butler's abs. COSTUME! Get Lena another sheet! That little embrace just left Leonidas' abs all over Gorgo's dress.

(turning to Gerry)

Zack: "Now where has he gone?"

Lena: "I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count!"

We see smoke drifting onto the set...

The End

Thanks girls. A little more. Sometimes my perverse imagination runs wild!
Disclaimer: Any and all resemblance to reality is purely coincidental and in the deluded mind of the "would be writer" only.

Lena=Lena Heady who was Queen Gorgo in 300
Frank = Frank Miller, author of the graphic novel 300
Zack = Zack Snyder, 300 Director

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