by zonistonate June 23, 2007
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - MORNING
Gorgo: (sobbing) Leonidas how could you? I can never look upon you in the same way again. It's no use telling me it was an accident. You killed my mother!
Leonidas: Gorgo darlin', ye have to forgive me. It wasna my fault. I tarned around ta tell Corinthia not ta stand so close ta the edge and didn't realize how close behind me she was. She insisted on taking a peek at Erastes body. Says the old bastard deserved ta die and she swore she'd spit on his grave. Since he threw himself into the well......well that was, in actual fact, literally, his grave.
Gorgo: Oh Leonidas. I want to believe you. I really do, but I know my mother was dead set against us marrying and I have to think in the back of your mind you wanted her out of the way.
Leonidas: Out of the way yes, but not out that way. Gorgo, ye should have seen her fly! Why if I hadn't grabbed on ta young Astinos, who was also curious about old Erastes, I would be joining Erastes and Corinthia in their.....er......well... she did fall smack dab on top of him. Almost looked like they were doing it again....you know.....in death.
Those words only make Gorgo sob harder.
Gorgo: That's just cruel, Leonidas! I didn't think you had it in you? You know how she hated Erastes since he left her for another years ago.
Leonidas: Yeah, but before he decided to take off they would go at it hot and heavy. Matter o' fact, Captain and I used ta hide behind the bushes when we were lads and watch them in action. That's why it seemed kinda poetic ta me that they will lay in eternity the way I best remember them. I think it's kinda romantic, don't you sweet Gorgo?
Gorgo: Oh Leonidas you are a hopeless romantic. I don't think my father, God rest his soul, would be so happy about it.
Leonidas: Ahem....I'm sorry. I didn't look at it that way. Though I do think if he were still alive, he and Constantine would now have a chance ta be best friends again. Yer mom was not fond of Tike. I'll never forget the day Corinthia ran him off. Yer father was devastated ta lose his best friend. I'm not so sure he ever forgave her.
Gorgo: (sobbing less) Let's not talk about Tike. Mother never let us mention his name in our house.
Leonidas: Well, I can see why but......Are ye ever goin' ta forgive me Gorgo?
Gorgo: I don't know Leonidas. I must think of an act of contrition that you can perform to prove to me you feel remorse over her death.
Leonidas: (cogitating) How about if I cry a bucket of tears at her memorial service? You know Spartans don't cry, but if I can manage to squeeze out a few...will that convince ye of my sincerity?
Gorgo: (astounded ) You...cry, Leonidas? You would do that for me?
Leonidas: In a New York minute, dear Gorgo!
Zack: Damn it! CUT! Okay Butler. It didn't say that in the script. What is it now?
Gerry: (smiling) I have to pee again.
He rushes off the set.
Zack: 15 minutes everybody. Gerry has to pee.
After fifteen minutes Gerry wanders back on set. His nose is red and his eyes tearing.
Zack: Ger, you don't have to start crying yet. We still have to film that last line again before we start on the next scene.
Gerry: I'm not crying. Alan was waiting for me in my trailer so I could sign some papers. He was coming out as I was running in and he opened the door right on my nose. I think the as$ hole broke it! Do I have a black eye?
He let's Zack look at it.
Zack: It looks a little red. You've also got a big mark on your nose. Don't worry. We'll get make up to cover it up.
Gerry: Great! Just what I need! A black eye and me having a photo shoot tomorrow. Can you imagine the speculation that's going to go on with that shit? (mimicking a fan) "Looks like somebody punched him in the nose!" (different intonation) "He's probably doing coke!" (higher octave) "No! He was probably drunk and got into a fight!" Doesn't take much to set the tongues wagging.
Zack: Why do you let that shit get to you?
Gerry: Damned if I can figure it out! Because it's nice being loved? Too bad women are incapable of loving you without wanting to change you.
Zack: You got that right! But try and tell them their as$ is sagging a little and they need to get to the gym and all of a sudden you're an insensitive clod.
Gerry: This fan thing is like being married ta a million women and they all have a bloody opinion.
Zack: Your fault for paying attention.
Gerry: Yeah, yeah. I know. Sometimes I can't help myself. Other times I don't give a crap what they think. I've blown a bunch of them off already with my bad boy thing, but I am who I am, and when my devil is up, I just can't help myself. It's the Jekyll and Hyde thing. I never know which one is going ta show up.
Zack: Have your publicist put out a blurb on the accident. It does look like you're going to have a shiner.
Gerry: And have Alan bragging he gave me a black eye? Unh uh. I'm still coping with the ribbing from someone pasting those skinny dipping Mrs. Brown pics all over the gay bar loo. I keep wanting to think maybe he was responsible ta get back at me for telling that story of his Ambien adventure on the plane in that stupid interview.
Zack: You two are like an old married couple.
Gerry: He vehemently denies it, so I'm trying to believe him. But he's a great manager. We get to put up with each other. I'm no walk in the park and who the hell would take care of all my stuff?
Zack: I dig it. Just some people you can't do without.
The make up person once again comes out and applies some pancake to cover up Gerry's red nose and quickly blackening eye.
Valya: This isn't vorking so good. He's got some swelling. Perhaps he needs to put some ice on it?
Zack: I don't want to postpone this scene. Hmmmm... I'm wondering if maybe we can't write this into the script? Perhaps Gorgo got mad and belted him one? It will show another facet of her budding Spartan spirit.
Gerry: (hanging his head) Now the great Leonidas is going to be a punching bag for a woman? Art imitates life......
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - LATER THAT DAY
All the dignitaries of Sparta are gathered to honor Lady Corinthia in death. The chroniclers of the era are buzzing around and one of them approaches Leonidas.
Spartan Chronicler: Oh future King Leonidas, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Leonidas: Of course. What would you like to know?
Spartan Chronicler: We know you are in love with the fair and sweet Gorgo, but what are the physical requirements you look for in a woman?
Leonidas: *(pondering seriously) VAGINA?
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - STILL LATER
Gorgo: Leonidas, are you still mad at me for punching you in the face?
Leonidas: No sweet Gorgo. I had it coming. I'm really sorry about yer mother.
Gorgo: Yes, but it was the vagina thing that really got me mad. What on earth possessed you to say a thing like that?
Leonidas: Don't know. First thing that popped into my head. Before I knew it, it flew out of my mouth!
Gorgo: You need to curb those impulses, dear Leonidas. After all, you shall be King one day and you can't go around saying things like that. You must also watch your temper. Diplomacy must prevail for a King to be successful. You will be dealing with messengers from many nations.
Leonidas: I shall have you by my side guiding me, dear Gorgo. I promise I will not get angry and shout, nor go anywhere near that well again!
Gorgo: I forgive you dear Leonidas. Those tears of yours were magnificent. It will be chronicled that only once in his life did the great Leonidas cry.......to win the heart of his beloved.
Leonidas: (dabbing at his black eye, tears still welling up) Well, sweet Gorgo, after all this dies down we shall not speak of it again. I can't let my men think I'm pussy whipped. I had to send Delios to be stepped on by a few Spartans after he laughed at me. I don't want him spreading tales! That boy loves the sound of his own voice! Can't shut him up when he get's hold of something and ya know how he loves ta embellish.
Gorgo: I promise never to bring it up again, dear Lenonidas. We shall make a great team someday!
Leonidas: If we don't kill each other first.
Zack: CUT! CUT!
Gerry: Sorry, sorry. I forgot. That's from another movie.
Disclaimer: This story is for entertainment purposes only and all takes place in the mind of a zany broad. All of it is entirely ficticious.
* Great men don't think, they ponder.
Tike=nickname for Constantine