|"ah'm not sure ah'm cut out fer matrimony..."|
It's early morning on the set and Gerry is reading a newspaper, when Zack approaches him.
Zack: Anything interesting going on?
Gerry: I'm reading ma horoscope. Want to know what it says today? Never mind, I'm tellin' you anyway.
He reads it to Zack.
*Scorpio: "Think you're alone? You're never alone."
Gerry: Hah! They got that one right! Listen ta the rest of it.
Scorpio: (continued) "...In fact, you're being evaluated. Attitude is everything. With a slight adjustment, your attitude is perfectly suited for the job you need to do."
Gerry: Hell with all the fan sites springing up like weeds, ah'm being evaluated 24 hours of the day from somewhere on the globe. I'm startin' to feel like an amoeba under a microscope. Do ye know how that feels?
Zack: You should try having Warner Brothers and all the fan boys of Watchmen 2 looking over your shoulder. I've got 300 Monday morning quarterbacks telling me how I should make this movie and who should be in it.
Gerry: Yeah and ye'd better remember me this time! (putting down the paper) Seriously these women are critiquing every piece of clothing I wear, every which way I comb my hair, whether I remembered to put on underwear. Hell , I think some of em even take out a ruler to measure each photo to see if my penis has grown from one day to the next. I'll even bet ye some of em can even tell how many squats I'm doin' by the placement of my as$ in each new photograph. Do ye know what that does to a man?
Zack: Makes him gay? (laughs) Stop obsessing over it!
Gerry: Very funny. That contingent is almost as bad. Except with them it fluctuates between "He still can't sing!" to "He's fat, but I'd hit him anyway!".......or warse.
Zack: (mimicking Gerry) Well it could be "warse." Nobody could be talking about you at all.
Gerry: I dunno. My fans have gotten so outspoken, I've recently divided the clothes in my closet in two " my favorites "and "their favorites." Everything I like, they hate. Some times I wear the most obnoxious mix I can find just to tune in and hear the comments the next day. It's kinda funny really. And the horoscope says "I" need the attitude adjustment.
Zack: You do. I've told you before, you take them way too seriously. You got to learn to let it roll of your back like so much water.
Gerry: I try, but at this rate, it's ma back that's going to need an adjustment soon.
Zack: You're hopeless. By the way, are you still seeing the Astrologer?
Gerry: Nah. I gave that up after she told me she's been advising Britney Spears and Scooter Libby. Besides she kept ramblin' on about the Gripper. I just kinda tuned her out, She's an old broad and I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't know who the hell the Gripper was.
Zack: Ah...Gerry.....that would be the Gipper, as in Ronald Reagan.
Gerry: (surprise on his face) Oh. (laughing) Here I thought maybe she had the hots for some porn star. (looking at Zack and shrugging) Hell, I'm Scottish...how am I supposed to know that?
He takes another zip of his latte.
Gerry: Besides, she kept insistin' I should take the offer to do "The Phantom Meets Lestat" for Joel Schumacher. Can ye imagine that mess? Especially after he's been working with Miller. He ought to be in good form by then.
Zack shakes his head.
Zack: Is Sir Andrew participating again?
Gerry: (grinning evilly and rubbing his hands together) I don't know, but I'm going ta be first in line ta see it. Pity the poor actor who has to sing "Say ye love me each and every night time, say the worts before I suck ye dry.!"
Zack: (trying not to laugh) It could get interesting.
They both look at each other and start laughing uncontrollably.
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - LATE MORNING
Leonidas, his chin resting on his hands, is having a drink in the Olive Hall when he is approached by Captain.
Captain: Leonidas! Why are you doing drinking alone?
Leonidas: It's berry juice. I promised Gorgo I'd stop drinkin'.
Captain: What's the matter my friend?
Leonidas: (pondering again) Ah canna put ma finger on it, but I'm feelin' kinda sad today.
Captain: You got the blues, eh?
Leonidas: Ah got juice on ma beard?
Captain: No, it's just a figure of speech meaning you're down in the dumps.
Leonidas: I haven't been to the dump lately either.
Captain: Sorry, I've been listening to Astinos too much lately. You know how the young like to use those crazy expressions these days.
Leonidas: Yeah. I almost came ta blows with Stelios when he called me a "stick in the mud" when I wouldn't go ta visit the Persian girls with him. Ah had ma knife at his throat thinkin' he was insultin' me...... if ye know what ah mean....until he explained it referred to someone who was not very game about doin' stuff.
Shaking his head.
Captain : I don't know what's wrong with the younger generation. Why do they need slang when Greek is a perfectly good language.
Preoccupied, Leonidas turns to his friend.
Leonidas: Captain, do ye think I'm becoming a "stick in the mud?"
Captain: What makes you ask that Leonidas?
Leonidas: Well I've been sittin' here ponderin' how ma life is going to change after I marry Gorgo and, ....don't get me wrong.....I love her ta death, but ah'm not sure ah'm cut out fer matrimony.
Captain: You're getting cold feet, eh?
Leonidas: Why are ya askin' about ma feet when ah'm tryin' ta have a serious conversation here? Ma feet are fine, thank you, cept fer ma drop foot which still troubles me on occasion.
Captain: I meant, are you having second thoughts?
Leonidas: Second, third and fourth thoughts. Namely, Rhodesia, Namibiala, Thespacia, and a new little filly by name of Rosicrucian. Hell, even the Oracle was lookin' good ta me the other day. Twas all I could do ta keep ma eyes off her er... .....well....ye know...
Captain: You're just nervous about the wedding.
Leonidas: (sighing) Gorgo is ma soulmate. I know that. I could no more do without her than without ma sword. But the thought of never sharing ma wealth with any of those other beauties..... well just doesn't seem right.
He looks up at the Captain.
Leonidas: Ye been married for a few years now. Don't ya ever get the hankerin' for something different?
Captain: I'm not dead you know. Oh course I do.
Leonidas: So what do ye do with that?
Captain: I look, I fantasize and then I jump in the ocean.
Leonidas: That's it?
Captain: Well I'm not telling you. Talk about keeping a secret. Remember the "fanny pad" incident?
Promised you wouldn't tell I used a fanny pad in my codpiece when I was tryin' to court Sofia and then ye blabbed it all over the place when they stuck a sea shell in your face ta say something funny at my bachelor party.
Leonidas: Hey, I was trying ta be cute. Besides they were talking about you paddin' something else. I had to stand up fer ye and tell em the only thing ye were paddin was yer as$.
Captain: Sure, sure. And by the way, thanks for telling Gorgo about you and me watching Corinthia and Erastes. My wife now calls me a "pervert" whenever she gets mad at me. Tells me that's what I get for hanging out with you and that she's glad your getting your wings clipped.
Leonidas: I'd be fine if it were just ma wings that were being clipped.... Maybe I need ta take a trip and stay at some Inn before the weddin'. Ye know....order some room service or... somethin'... to test ma willpower before I get to the Point of No Return. I don't want ta make Gorgo unhappy. That would kill me. Not ta mention she might kill me furst and ah sure don't want to get killed again on ma wedding night. (surprised) Now where did that come from?
Leonidas: (cogitating....then decisively) Yes. That's what ah'm goin' ta do. I canna take this step without being sure I can keep ma sword sheathed.
Zack: CUT! Break for lunch.
Gerry: (walking up to Zack) Leonidas is starting ta sound like me. Or am I startin to sound like him? Now I'm really confused.
He starts heading off for his trailer.
Zack: Aren't you going to eat lunch?
Gerry: (smiling) I ordered in.
Zack: The cute waitress from the restaurant last night?
Gerry: How did you know?
Zack: Good guess. Are you ready for your nude scene?
Gerry: My gratuitous as$ shot?
Gerry: No, but after lunch ah will be.
Zack walks off shaking his head and laughing under his breath.
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - AFTERNOON
With trepidation, Leonidas goes to tell Gorgo he is going out of town.
Gorgo: Leonidas? What a happy surprise. I thought you were off practicing with your spear.
Leonidas: (surprised) Who told?
Gorgo: Why you did. You said you were getting rusty.
Leonidas: (relaxing) Oh, yes. That spear? Well, I've decided I need ta inteview a new swordsmith over near Athens, so I'm going ta be gone for a couple of days. I just wanted to let ye know so ye dinna worry.
Gorgo: I've been so busy planning the ceremony that I've been neglecting you, dear Leonidas. I'll make it up to you when you get back. I promise.
He looks at her lovingly and overcome with emotion, hugs her.
Gorgo: Why Leonidas, what's wrong?
Leonidas: Ma feet are cold. Ah think I'm comin' down with somethin.... Do ye think ye can maybe make it up to me now before I go?
Gorgo studies him carefully. Like the smart future Queen she will become, she reads all the roadsigns on this beautiful map of a man before her. She goes to the kitchen and brings Leonidas some wine.
Gorgo: Wait for me here while I get my spider pin. I broke it and maybe the swordsmith can fix it.
Morosely, Leonidas sits down, glad she has relented and allowed him some wine. Some fifteen minutes have gone by and his glass is empty when Gorgo's voice calls out to him.
He turns to see her standing in the door to the bedchamber in a filmy gown, her hair down around her shoulders.
Gorgo: (loudly) SPARTAN! UNSHEATH YOUR SWORD AND REPORT FOR ACTION!
Leonidas eyes light up. Suddenly thankful for the velcro on his codpiece, he quickly dispenses with cape and codpiece and in two strides, reaches the doorway. Embracing his future queen...he picks her up and carries her into her bedchamber.
Placing her down on the bed, he pulls her body taut against his and pulls her head back, covering her mouth with his own in a searching kiss. As the action gets hotter, the camera pulls back slowly, the candles flicker and go out, the room darkening to give the lovers privacy. As the camera pulls back through the bedchamber door we hear Leonidas' clear and happy voice singing... "PAST the Point of No Return.......no backward glances........"
Disclaimer: This story is pure fiction and takes place only in the mind of the "would be" writer.
* Actual Scorpio forecast from LA Times on 7/2/07.