Wednesday, August 18, 2010

300 Prequel: Dating Gorgo - Part 15 The Main Event

"Sorry.   Slip of the tongue."
by zonistonate  July 7 2007

It is the last day of shooting for the movie and the actors are all standing around, some making jokes and laughing, some feeling sad, all drinking coffee or juices and the sweet rolls that have magically appeared now that the shooting is about to end and actors no longer have to watch their diet. Frank Miller is on the set as are some of the producers who will attend the wrap party later in the day. Everyone is present and accounted for except Gerry. Frank Miller walks up to Zack.

Frank: Where's Butler this morning?

Zack: I think he's still in make-up. He was running a little late this morning. 

Frank: Some things never change, eh?

Zack dips his head to the side and shrugs.

Zack: At least he's consistent.

Frank: Your hair still falling out?

Zack: (laughing) Nah, believe it or not, I'm actually going to miss the aggravation.

Frank: Kid grows on you doesn't he?

Zack: Why Frank, I didn't think you were a sentimentalist?

Frank: Nah, I just can't intimidate him. He keeps coming back at me. Besides, I get a kick watching women react to him. For all his smarts he's a babe in the woods at times and it's like a magnet for them. I can't figure it out.

Zack: Yeah, who knows how long they stick around, but they just keep coming don't they?

Frank: (nodding affirmative) The dailies are looking good. He's got Leonidas down pat. It makes me wonder if we didn't subliminally put some of Gerry into the young Leonidas. You think?

Zack: Well if we did, it's too late now. It feels good, though. I think we got another winner on our hands.

Frank: Let's hope so, with what he cost us this time around, we need to sock it out of the ballpark.

Zack: (smiling) Let's just hope our audience will buy the softer, gentler Spartan.

I'm going to go check on him and see what's holding him up.

Zack goes to the make up room where the hair dresser is putting the final touches on Gerry's braid.

Gerry has a scowl on his face. Zack ignores it and asks the hairdresser how much longer. She indicates to him she's just finishing.

Zack: How are we doing this morning?

Gerry: Tired. I'll be glad when this is over. Ah'm going ta sleep fer a week straight. No snooze button allowed. 

Zack: You're not going to miss being the great **Leonidas anymore?

Gerry shrugs his shoulders, not wanting to get sentimental.

Gerry: (pondering) I don't get it. Why did we have ta call him Leonidas with the long i? Why couldn't we use the authentic Leoneedas?

Zack: You're asking me this on the last day of shooting?

Gerry: Well it's always bothered me, that's all.

Zack: You mean you're losing sleep over it?

Gerry sticks his tongue out at Zack.

Zack: (patiently) Well Gerry, look at it this way..... you know all the arguments about the Spartans and the kidding we got about 300 being homoerotic?

Gerry: Yeah, so what?. What has that got ta do with the correct pronunciation of the guy's name?

Zack: Well think about it. If we'd pronounced it your way someone would've come up with some cockamamie theory that the name itself carried a hint to his orientation.

Gerry: What? That's ridiculous! (while staring into the mirror) Leonidas.....Leo nidas......Leo nee d as$.....Leo need ass$........

He turns to look at Zack with surprise and bursts out laughing.

Zack: See what I mean? Some idiot was bound to make that jump and we just didn't want to put up with the snickering. Most Americans would pronounce it Leonidas anyway.

Gerry: So who was the idiot on our team that made the jump?

Zack: It just sort of evolved from our conversations with the brass.

Gerry: Fuc king unbelievable! I'm surprised ye caved on this after all the things they wanted ye ta change about 300.

Zack: Well, l had to learn the hard way that you have to give a little to get a lot.

Gerry: (doing a little dance in his chair) Leo need as$. Leo need as$. Leo need as$. (wicked smile) Ah think ah'm going ta throw that out in some interviews and see if anyone picks it up.

Seeing Zack's grieved expression, he starts laughing.

Zack: (hanging his head) I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Gerry get's up and looks in the mirror one more time.

Gerry: Okay Leo need as$, let's go seduce Gorgo's as$.

Zack: (brightening) Now you're talking.

Gerry walks in front of Zack and Zack rolls his eyes and sighs.


Leonidas, feeling expansive, walks on to the scene where the last minute touches are being added to his wedding feast. The guests are milling around. He sees Captain and Stelios in conversation and walks up to them.

Leonidas: (expressively) Och' it's a braw, licht, mune a-nicht fer a wedding.

They both gaze at him dumbly. Noticing the blank expressions on their face he speaks up.

Leonidas: It's a beautiful moonlit night tonight. Ye in pairfect?
Sheesh, I canna fathom what's wrong wi the lot o ye. Am ah not speaking Greek?

They look at each other.

Leonidas: Never mind!

He leans into the Captain and whispers under his breath.

Leonidas: Any signs of Namibiala and the others?

Captain: Not yet.

Leonidas: Thank Zues! I dinna want ma goose ta be cooked before ma chickens are even hatched.

Stelios: Speaking of cooking, some guy named Astragalus was looking for you. Wants to know where to put the chickens you ordered.

Leonidas: What are ye talkin' about? Ah hav'na ordered chickens! We're havin' squab.

Stelios: Squab?

Leonidas: (finally irritated) Pigeon ta ye, ye plebian!

Stelios gives Leonidas a dirty look and walks away shaking his head. He can be heard muttering.

Stelios: Squab, plebian, brawlicks.......I think this guy needs to go back to Uni and learn Greek. What's next.....(mimicking Leonidas) " Spartans....raise yer * ASPISES and aim yer JAVLINS? "

Leonidas turns to the Captain.

Leonidas: Tis it me, or is Stelios gettin' a little big fer his codpiece? I may need ta make him carry Lardosis around fer a week ta teach him some respect.

It is at that point that Astragalus approaches Leonidas followed by men carrying huge trays.

Astragalus: There you are great Leonidas. I can't find anyone that will take receipt and pay me for the stuffed chickens you ordered for your wedding feast.

Leonidas: (surprised) Chickens? Ah dinna order chickens.

Astragalus: (resolute) Leonidas I distinctly remember quoting you 5 drachmas per chicken and you telling me to go ahead and stuff them.

Leonidas: Ah said nothin' o' the kind. Ye and yer five drachmas. Who do ya think ah am, King Midas?

Astragalus: (confused) But what am I to do with these birds now?

Leonidas: Ah could tell ye of a place ta put em where the sun never shines, but it would'na be very nice, if ye get ma drift?

At first confused, Astragalus seems to come to a decision.

Astragalus: Perhaps I'll speak to Thespacia. I overheard her talking about a wild night and some fireworks, maybe she can use them for her celebration.

Leonidas: Thespacia? Where? When?

Leonidas looks at Captain with fright.

Astragalus: Why over there.

Astragalus points in the direction of a group that includes Namibiala, Rhodesia, Romeria, Rosicrucian, and someone with a covering over her head suspiciously resembling the Oracle. There is another woman, an out of towner with a bad dye job dressed in leather boots and a suede dress.

Leonidas and the Captain look at each other.

Captain: Talk about chickens coming home to roost!

Astragalus: (still confused) Perhaps I should speak with Lady Gorgo and see what she thinks of all this. Maybe she and Thespacia can split the chickens?

Leonidas: (under breath) More like splittin' ma head.

Leonidas peers closely at Astragalus, but seeing the innocence of his remark, decides it is not blackmail.

Leonidas: Take the bloody chickens ta the kitchen quarters. Perhaps we have some guests that are no' fond o' squab.

Dismissing the man, he turns his back to the glaring women, afraid to make eye contact.

Leonidas: Does that look like a lynchin' party er what? Ah canna let sweet Gorgo get a whiff o this or ah'm goin' ta be sleepin' in ma bed alone tonight frankly that big old birt head scairt the crap outta me a few times already. Ah even ran into the thing in the dark after gettin' up to pee last night. See the scab on ma ear?

He pulls on his earlobe to show Captain.

Captain: Here I thought it was a love bite.

Leonidas smiles. They both turn and look at the group again. He notices Rhodesia and Namibiala's eyes are screaming agenda.

Captain: (shaking his head) Hades hath no fury.....

Leonidas: (whispering) Ye gotta help me Captain. Make sure they're seated as far out o sight as possible. Maybe no one will notice them.

Captain: Are you kidding me Leonidas? Take a look at those women! You really think no one is going to notice them?

Leonidas: Just do as ah say Captain. Put a Watchmen on em.  Ah'll think o' somethin'. (raising his voice) Ah'm not called the great Leoneedass fer nothin'!

Zack: CUT! CUT!

Gerry: Now what?

Zack: (suspicious) You said it.

Gerry: (innocently) Said what?

Zack: You know.

Gerry: Sorry. Slip of the tongue. (laughs)

Zack: I'll bet! (gives him a dirty look) Let's take it again from "Just do as I say......."


Leonidas: Captain, if ya need me I'll be at the Olive Hall.  Ah need ta do some re-writtin' on ma vows.... and quick.

We watch him walk away in a hurry.....his cape and braid trailing behind him.

Astinos walks up to his father.

Astinos: Where is Leonidas going in such a hurry? He took off like a bat outta hell.

Captain: Don't ask. By the end of the night his as$ may be chopped liver thanks to them.

He nods to the group and Astinos follows his father's gaze.

Astinos: (brightening) Oh good. I was afraid this whole party was going to be a drag. Wait until I tell Stelios.

He takes off to find his friend.


Gorgo has her wedding toga on. It is a rose colored and caught at the waist with a green tie. Her hair is piled loosely on her head and surrounded by tiny rosebuds the same soft color as her dress, the leaves matching the belt. Her maid of honor Phoenicia is helping her put the finishing touches to her toilette.

Gorgo: Did you get a look at the crowd Phoenicia?

Phoenicia: Yes. Everyone from the Sparta is here and then some.

Gorgo: Would that "then some" include some ladies named Thespacia and Namibiala?

Phoenicia: Oh dear Gorgo. I didn't want to tell you. How did you know?

Gorgo: As future Queen of Sparta it is my business to know these things Phoenicia. If I don't know what is going on in Leonidas life how am I to help him when he needs my counsel?

Phoenicia: What are you going to do about them?

Gorgo: I am going to do nothing. This is one little problem I prefer to let Leonidas handle on his own.....

Phoenicia: Well it's more like six little problems.

Gorgo: (surprised) You mean there are six of them out there?

Phoenicia: Uhm hum.

Gorgo: This may be more interesting than I thought. Do you know where Leonidas is now?

Phoenicia: (looking out the window) I don't see him at the moment. He was out there a minute ago.

Gorgo: Do you think he's seen them?

Phoenicia: Kinda hard not to.

Gorgo gets up and goes to the window, quickly spying the group.

Gorgo: Uhm..... I see what you mean.

Phoenicia: Where do you think Leonidas has gone off to?

Gorgo: I'm not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't offering up some prayers to mighty Zeus
to get him out of this mess, or transport him back to Carpathia. At the least, he's sweating bullets big time.

Phoenicia: Bullets?

Gorgo: Just a figure of speech.

Phoenicia: You must really love him to be so understanding.

Gorgo: Love him? Yes. The man can drive you to distraction, but he's the heart of a real Spartan and that heart is solid gold.

Her eyes drift off wistfully.

Gorgo:  Leonidas is a wild stallion that needs gentling. (shaking her head to clear it) And I, as you know, am a superb horsewoman!

(matter of factly) Now where are my flowers?

Cut to:

Leonidas finishes writing and folds up the piece of parchment as Dilios walks in.

Dilios: Here you are. I think it is almost time Leonidas. Everyone is waiting and Gorgo is coming out soon.
Are you ready?

Leonidas: Tell Captain I'll be there in a moment Dilios.

Dilios nods and sensing Leonidas needs a last moment to himself, for once departs without saying a word.

Leonidas looks heavenward.

Leonidas: Dear Aphrodite or Hera or whatever yer name is.... As the goddess of love ye know how ma heart burns fer sweet Gorgo. If ye help me outta this mess, I promise never ta lose my head again!

He gets up and starts to leave and remembering something:

Leonidas: ...... er.......or ma codpiece either. 
The Main Event (to be continued)

Disclaimer:  The fictional story above takes place only in the delusional mind of the "would be" writer.

*Aspis is a Greek hoplite shield. What did you think I meant?
**As most of you know Leonidas means "son of the lion" or "lion like" which I'm certain described the real Leonidas to a T and GB's portrayal of the Spartan King in 300 certainly does honor the myth of the man.

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