Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Z Report 5-08-08 - Building the Perfect Man/A Favorite

"Give me Gerry moobies in all his movies!"

With all the talk about what makes a person attractive, sexy, or desirable on display on the internet, the tube and in the slew of magazines on the racks rating their top 100 sexiest, the Z Report decided to conduct a poll of our readers to find out what features and/or personality traits from their favorite male celebrities they think are attractive and come up with our own composite of the Perfect Male.

While conducting this experiment to determine the ultimate in male pulchritude, we were struck by the variety of responses, not to mention the sheer numbers, concerning one particular celebrity, Scottish hunk Gerard Butler and coming from what seems to be a world wide fan base of enthusiastic supporters. Before we publish our results at the end of the month, for your reading pleasure I would like to publish some of the e-mails we got on this particular and popular celebrity.

Lita from New Mexico

"Z. You gotta use Gerry Butler's body for your perfect man. The guys abs are amazing! He's one hot dude and no one has done more for leather since cowboys started wearing chaps!"

Ronnie from Albuquerque

"What abs are those Lita? They were as fleeting as the wind! His teeth aren't bad, though. Too bad they're probably not his own."

Lita from New Mexico

"You're just jealous Ronnie cause you're more Clay Aiken than King Leonidas!"

Lara Busher from Crawford, Latvia

"About Gerald Butler....I love a man who is willin to take that many arrows for his country on the battlefield, which is more than I can say for someone close to home with the same initials who's out back being congratulated for getting his model airplane in the air, finally! I nominate Gerald's courage for puttin on that codpiece thang and makin it look sexy!"

Dr. Anastasio Zoom, Beverly Hills

"Gerard's teeth are mostly his own and I should know!"

Rosie from upstate NY: Regarding his prominent pecs.

When I tipple
I like nipples
Give me Gerry moobies
in all his movies.

Verushka from Romania

"Gerard has got thees beautiful eyes which make me forget my Anatoly ran away to Corsica with that French whore Sandrine who vas teaching him to Tango so he could go to America and Dance with the f_ucking Stars. Even when they are swollen and poofy, dey hypnotize me and now it is I, Verushka, who is going to America. By the way, do you know where Gerry lives?"

Kikko, Nagasaki, Japan

"Please to have Gerry's voice, like in Phantom of the Opera. It is my favorite DVD and he sings me to sleep every night after kissing my hand when he came to Japan for Dear Frankie. My husband Yoshi is not such a fan though, and after Doctor Tarosan removed the cotton that was stuck in his ear canal, I am sad to say he has permanently moved his futon into the next room."

Eva from Miami, Fla.

"Gerry Bootler es el hombre mas caliente that I have seen in mucho tiempo. Esa boca me vuelve loca. I like mouths y his es perfectamente deliciosa. El hombre perfecto necessita la boca de Gerard Bootler. Only bad theeeng....he has no ass!"

Anonymously Wicked, Los Angeles

"I'm in love with Butler's hands, especially that middle finger he so often shows photographers. It makes me think the most licentious thoughts when I see it and, like the Scots in Braveheart mooned the English on the battlefield, among other things, I'm thinking maybe he'll progress to some of the same to show his displeasure and add to ours.

Sigh....One can only hope! Dressed to Kilt anyone? LOL"

Beliza from Sao Paulo, Brazil

"When Gerry was in Brazil for 300, he showed what a bel hommen he was and his corasao is very sweet. He can move his hips too. He likes Brazil and Brazil likes him. Especially the women. Your man needs Gerry's heart!"

Hannah from Hollywood

"Gerard Butler has one amazing head of hair. Why a lesser man would be bald by now, with all the coloring and hairpieces that man's worn. Actually, I'm having trouble remembering what his real hair looks like. I think it's kinda brown with some white in it, but it's hard to tell. Only thing is, make sure you use his hair when he doesn't have that little white line of roots showing in the front. I really like his hair in Beowulf. Maybe that's the one you need for your perfect man!

Tony from UK

"That was a f_ookin wig ye ditz!"

Carli from Toronto

"The man can't do dialects to save his life! Did you hear his Irish in PS I Love You? However his Scottish burr makes me purr. I say give your man Gerry's voice reciting Sonnet #43 from EBB's Sonnets from the Portuguese and let him lay on the Scottish. That way he can say "soul" as many times as he wants and annoy the crap out of some fans."

Colleen from Ireland

"A Gerard Butler fan hailing from Dublin here! I think your perfect male should have Gerry's emerald green Irish eyes. Just please don't let him fracture the Irish brogue again. My aunt Kate still hasn't recovered from that one!"

Anatoly,Rome, Italy

"I am in love with Gerry's legs and can think of no better thighs for your perfect man. My wife in Romania thinks I am in Corsica with Sandrine, but I am really in Rome with Vincenzo, whom I met in Prague when we were both in line for 300. Vincenzo is a dead ringer for Gerry Butler, especially when he wears the mask I bought him on e-bay, which he is willing to do most of the time when we have sex. His thighs are not as good as Gerry's though. Vincenzo and I are both studying the Tango and improving our English to go to America and appear on Dancing with the Stars and maybe meet Gerry Butler at Villa night club when we become famous."

Toby from Wisconsin

"Well, there is cheese and there is cheese and Gerard Butler is 12 year old prime aged cheddar. I mean that in a good way and I'm not saying he's aged like cheese, though I understand that's how he pronounces his name? Cheddar Gerard! When I look at Gerry's pics. in 300 I think of cheese and I'm sure he eats plenty of it to stay in the shape he's in."

I'm not good with words, but I do know that Gerry's cheesy abs belong on your perfect man!"

A. Kathleen from Scotland

"Ah'm verra fond o' little Gerard's bonnie face. Ah'm thinkin perhaps ye kin jist cut his head off an' use it oan yer pairfect man. O' course George Clooney wudna be bad aither.

Sorry Gerry! Ah know ah promised ye no' tae mention George, but he tarns me oan, ye ken?"

Anither Mither from Scotland

"Gerard is yer pairfect man. All o' him. Cep mebbe ye tie his bonnie fingers thegither. It's hard tae break all o' yer bad habits at once an' ye got tae give him a blue ribbon fer tryin, the poor lad.

George Clooney canna hold a candle tae Gerard. Noo oan the other hand, that McSteamy......"

Vannie from Texas

"There's no one like Gerry and you don't need a composite when you have the perfect man all in one already!"

Darla from Anaheim

"Gerry Butler is hawt and I'm in luv with him. My friend Kelly says Gerry was "it" in Dracula 2000...and you can't improve on perfection, except for the teeth which made it hard to understand what he was sayin. Ya know what I mean?"

Tabitha from Tunisia

"Definitely the Mouth. As a dentist I've never seen a more perfect arc on teeth, particularly the bottom set, which is visible with his mouth wide open...which seems to be a lot lately. The lips fit very nicely too. I must congratulate his dentist, although the lips he'll have to thank his ancestors for."

Dr. Anastasio Zoom, Beverly Hills

"Thank you! Contact me and I'll send you some brochures."

Rita from West Virginia

"I'm impressed with Gerry's brain. He's so smart! He went to Law School you know? For a guy who f_ucks around as much as he does, I think he's going to need that training one of these days. Lucky guy! I wish I was that smart!"

Anna, South Bend, Indiana

"Gerard Butler has a beautiful soul. No other actor or person on the planet has a soul like Gerry's. He gives you a hug, and you know you have been hugged by a person with a powerfully profound and spiritual soul. How do I know? Because Gerry hugged me and the beauty of his eyes made me melt and I could see his soul shining right in them and I shall never ever forget that precious moment. Even when he said 'F_uck, whars the loo aroun' here!' and made me blush."

D. Chopra, India

"Yes, Gerry has a beautiful soul and his soul led him to me so that I could help him with his addiction to cigarettes. He has promised me I could use my experience with him in a chapter of my next book, which goes to show you what a beautiful soul he has. My next book will be titled: "How to Increase Your Attention Span and Tame Your Dragon" I mean "Demons through Meditation!"

Loretta from Vancouver

"Gerard Butler's biceps are incredible. He can throw me down and flex any and all of his muscles for me anytime he wants to. My husband travels a lot, so he just has to let me know when he's commin and I'll put the kettle on!"

Blondie and Stars from IMDbland

"Can anyone say BANANANANANANA???"

And that dear readers are just a few of the e-mails we got.

If you want to contribute to our poll on Building the Perfect Man, please send us your comments.

Next week we will have Butler's comments on the comments.

Signing off,

Zoni with a Z (but pronounced with an S)

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the twilight zone of the writer's mind somewhere in LaLa Land.

No Antagonism Here

by zonistonate   2 hours ago (Wed Apr 23 2008 14:09:43)

To get to the point and, as most of you can tell, I am fond of Gerard Butler. I really don't care if he is silly, immature, narcissistic party boy, calculating, player, sartorially challenged, hip, cool, gay, bi, straight, ironic, naive, etc.... You get the picture.

I find something about him endearingly human in that if there is dog *beep* on the road, he is going to step into it frequently....because he is just plodding along doing what he loves and trying to stay on top of the game. I like that about him. A lot.

For me he does his job by entertaining me and by being what I think is "himself" as much as anyone in the spotlight can be. When he closes his face, sets his jaw and says Do Not Disturb, I respect that. Back off! I don't judge him.

There are a lot of wonderful, decent actors out there, but they just aren't as entertaining off screen. Since the day I came here looking for info on an obscure actor I'd never heard of before, and recognized something about him that was different, in that he seemed to inspire a level of devotion out of proportion to his assets, I've been an admirer. It was at that point I decided to adopt him as a muse and his antics, along with the responses and nature of his fandom/fans, still amuses me and inspire me to write. When that fails, I suppose I'll move along to more adult pursuits.

Part of what attracts me is that GB swings from the ironic cynic to the clueless man-boy and that arc kind of fascinates me. He is like an awkward "puppy dog" that needs protection one moment, but can probably be a dismissive prick when he's been abused too much or gets tired of having to play the game and decides to lick his wounds. I think, as others have said, and he has said himself, he likes to be liked....but that's a hard act to keep up 100% of the time.

From my observation, if he can't cajole you and wear you down to get what he wants from you....whether it be your devotion or a part in a movie or to play a character his way, then he'll use a persuasive hammer....but he has to follow his instincts until someone can prove theirs are better. That reminds me just a little of myself.

I can't speak for other's motivation on the board. I don't wear blinders about the guy, and it is both his strength and frailties and people's reactions to them, that bring me back when I need to focus on something other than some of the heartaches that are part and parcel of being human and alive.

And, as I've said before, I think there is basically a very decent person at the core, and a wickedly humorous one as well. That is what my instincts tell me. Only he can prove me wrong...and maybe he will and then I shall pick up my marbles and go home.


Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

The Z Report - 4-19-08

The new *Perfidio Rubiroso?
I'll Bet You One Hole in the Shirt and Raise You a Rubiroso!

By L. Spitkis

The Z Report's Luva Spitkis was privileged to attend the Hot Hollywood party, tinsel town's annual bash to honor the sizzling celebrity designers of the moment and their muses. It was a colorful evening, given the mix of styles and dress, and the stars were coming out of the woodwork to mingle with their fashion faves.

We spoke to several of the attendees backstage, including the "ex Spartan King Leo turned party boy" Gerard Butler and asked him if he was seriously vying for the title formerly held by Porfirio Rubiroso?

We got a blank stare and a "Perfidia wha?" from the hot Scot who was unfamiliar with the infamous Rubiroso, once the talk of the town and dubbed "the last real playboy" for his international jet setting lifestyle and legendary prowess with women.

LS: Do you consider yourself a playboy?

Butler: Well ah dunno. Ah'm a boy an' ah like tae play....does that count?

He gave me a cute, if embarrassed smile. 

With ET's Cheryl Woodcock

LS: We heard you talking to ET's Cheryl Woodcock and when she asked you what you thought about being one of the hottest stars in Hollywood, you gave her one of your typically ironic answers......

Butler interrupted me. e

Butler: Which will be misinterpreted by some as me bein' full o' maself fer sure, right?

I smiled at his astute analysis of the probable.

LS: Is it hard for you to deal with this "hot" guy in town thing?

Butler: "It's a bit embarrassin', all the attention, bit ah gotta admit ah luve it just the same. Only trouble is ah got ma Mum callin' me tae ask if ah got enough clean underwear fer the week all the time. (laughs) It's like, "yeah Mum, ah'm no' goin' tae be an' embarrassment to yer mothering skills cause ah run out o' clean drawers while livin' up tae ma fame as a fooker! (laughs)

LS: Well she's probably going to be calling you tomorrow, if that's the case, because you've got a hole in your shirt. Sorry to point it out.

Butler: (sarcastically) Yeah...ah'm already thinkin' o' tarning ma phone off. (laughing) Ye're never goin' tae believe how that happened.

LS: Care to enlighten us?

Butler: Ye want the real story or the one the rags are goin' tae report?

LS: Why not give us both versions and let us guess?

Butler: Oh that's a good one! Let me give ye several in that case, kis that's where the fun starts. Here's story nummer one:

Butler puts his hands up to set the scene for us.

Butler: "GerARD Butler was spotted maulin' and exchangin' spit wi' some unknown blonde at the bar an' between smooches was seen chuggin' doon mouthfuls o' some unknown cocktail....tae make the spit go down easier."

Butler pauses for thought, then continues....again mugging it up for us.

Butler: "The blonde actress was so horny fer his bod that she grabbed him by the tee shirt, puttin' her fingernail through the collar an' practically rippin' it off his pairson."

The hole in the T
 An' how about.....

"After disappearing fer several minutes, err, make that 72 seconds........the husky Scottish hunk retarned an' walked aroun' the rest o' the evenin' wi' a hole in his shirt, lipstick smudges on the collar o' his jacket and elsewhere, an' a smile on his face."

We smiled knowingly.

Butler: Ye like that one, dae ye?   I do too, cep fer the drinkin' thing. Ah was drinking a coke though it's not exotic enough fer some. No' way a pairson like me kin go to a party or a bar an' no' be drinkin' again, right?  Who cares about the truth anyways? This is Hollywood.....Everything goes!

LS: I sympathize with you about the booze, but the rest sounds plausible. Is it true?

Butler shrugs his shoulders.

Buter: Ye know what? Ah think ah'll just leave it at that. The truth is kinda borin' anyways.

After waving to a friend he excused himself and left us.

Curiosity getting the best of us after his comment about truth in Hollywood, I hunted down Butler's manager, Alan Siegel, who was observing the party while munching on the night's bounty with his friend designer David Meister.

LS: Mr. Siegel, we were just talking to your partner/client Gerard Butler and wondered if you would care to tell us how he got the hole in his shirt? It wasn't there when he walked down the red carpet earlier in the evening.

Siegel and Meister looked at each other and started laughing.

AS: It's very simple really. When Gerry walked off the red carpet and came to greet us, David here noticed he had a thread hanging from the V neckline of his shirt.

He smiles at David.

AS: You know how designers are...? David immediately whipped out a pair of pocket scissors he keeps on his key chain and reached over to snip the thread at the same moment Gerry decides to turn and wave to someone who had just spotted him.

He laughs.

AS: You know that man cannot stand still....and David, who was holding the thread tautly in one hand....accidentally pulled and snipped as Butler turned.....and the shirt gave way at the seam.

DM: (laughing) Yes, and unfortunately, I don't carry spare thread around, although one needs a whole emergency kit where Butler is concerned sometimes.

After congratulating Meister and thanking Siegel for his candor, I had a good laugh as I walked away, thinking how far from the other story it was and how really typical of the way things are viewed in this town. I also shook my head and pictured how the ironic Butler must have loved walking around, watching the speculation hounds have a field day with it. It was probably part of his silent "sport" for the evening.

I had not personally observed Butler smooching with any blondes at the bar, but it was a big party and it might have been the case. I did, however, notice a LOT of women.....and quite a few men too, glancing shyly (and well, some of the women NOT so shyly) at the Scot and trying to get a few moments of his time. Many hugs and photo opportunities were exchanged because, after all, actors and other glitterati are fans of each other too.

We took note that Butler was also glancing at some other A-listers himself and he looked like a kid at the ice cream counter, wondering if he should have another scoop added to his already triple decker cone of the evening.

Signing off,

Zoni with an S (but pronounced with a Z)

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the twilight zone of the writer's mind somewhere in LaLa Land. 

*Perfidio fits Gerry better.

The Z Report - Newsflash 4-19-08


The mystery has been solved! The Z Report has just learned that the real reason actor Gerard Butler has been frequenting Villa so often these past few weeks is that he's been trying to get an autograph from Nicaraguan jet setter and yesteryear fashion trendsetter Bianca Jagger who, with her friend Alana Stewart, has been frequenting the private club with producer Steve Bing. It seems Butler owns a Poster of Mick and Bianca he wants to have framed for the Media Room in his new digs and, although he has the Rolling Stones' signature, he was anxious to get the lovely Bianca's,

The still good looking Jagger has many fans among today's younger generation because of her sense of style, displayed here in a photo with daughter Jade: http://www.handbag.com/fashion/most-stylish-mums-and-daughters-bianca- jagger-jade-jagger/gallery

Come to find out, Bianca and Alana are both fans of Butlers after seeing him in the movie 300 and have been visiting the exclusive club in hopes of meeting him.

Seems they have been at cross purposes and have not been there the same nights as their prey.

Ms. Jagger confessed to owning a King Leonidas action figure, which the 60 year old actress/fashion incon said she kept on her nightstand. She was, however, disappointed that the doll was not anatomically correct and said she had wanted to display it "au natural" as God had intended Men to be. "With Butler's sometime lack of fashion sense, he should think about doing the same!" Ms. Jagger told us.

Alana Stewart was heard telling Jagger that when her daughter Kimberly told her ex, rocker Rod Stewart, that she too owned a King Leo action doll, he jealously wanted to know what kind of action the doll performed and was said to be looking into getting an action figure of himself, only with a movable mouth in addition to other movable accoutrements.

Alana told us that Stewart told their daughter that he was: "keeping the negotiations under my hairpiece because if Mick get's a whiff of this he's going to want one of his own.....and you know no one can beat Mr. Labia Lips when he wants something and I want to be first!"

It seems old dogs keep wanting to learn new tricks to keep up with the youngsters like Butler.

Scientologist Mimi Rodgers was also spotted at the busy club and when asked if she was also a Butler fan the 51 year old actress and ex wife of Tom Cruise said she was only there to put in a good word for Scientology since hearing through the grapevine that the Scottish hottie was on a "speereetual" quest.

46 year old heartthrob Dylan McDermott, who is also an admirer of the Studio 54 regular in it's glory days, was also spotted and photographed clutching an autograph in his fist by the ever present paps and yelling "Eat your heart out Butler! I got to her first!"

Small world isn't it? And who said this club was only the private domain of the twenty-something crowd?

Zoni with a Z (but pronounced with an S)

Disclaimer: The above is a fictional account of some actual events and took place solely in the demented mind of the author somewhere in the twilight zone of LaLa Land.

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Z Report Newsflash 4-12-08

by zonistonate   1 day ago (Sat Apr 12 2008 11:55:47)
Crow and Gardenias 

We have it on good authority that Cameron Diaz was overheard telling a friend Friday night at dinner that she received an exquisite, perfectly formed Gardenia and a lovely note from Gerard Butler to explain that he was "NOT" comparing her to his dog in the recent uproar where TMZ took his words about dating everyone in town, Ms. Diaz among them, and made it look like he had insulted her.

"Gerry has a way with words and the note was very sweet." Ms. Diaz was quoted as saying.

For those who don't know Butler by now and are still surprised by his on camera irony better fasten their seatbelts because to quote Bette Davis, "It's going to be a bumpy ride!"

And that's half the fun of it!

Zoni with a Z (but prounounced like an S)

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the twilight zone sometimes known as LaLa Land.

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

The Z Report - 4-13-10 - A Walk in the (Thunder) Clouds

Confrontation with the paparazzi.
 by zonistonate   38 seconds ago (Sun Apr 13 2008 00:54:54)

A Walk in the (Thunder) Clouds

There comes a time in every actor's life when he has to sit down and take stock of how far he's come on the road to fame and check the compass to see if he is still headed down the same route he set sail for at the at the beginning of his quest for fame. If he finds the wind has shifted and he is heading into a thunderstorm, some will simply chart a new course and circumvent the storm. There are others, though, who see the thunderclouds and know the shortest route is going through the storm and hanging on for dear life, even at the risk that their boat will flounder and or/worse, capsize.

From what we've observed of Gerard Butler lately, he seems to be bent on the latter. Despite many attempts by his publicists to curb his ironic jocularity, it is still going full steam (to the delight of some), and even on a beautiful, sunny day he will encounter clouds simply by putting his mouth in motion before his brain has a chance to engage. With the latest furor over the Cameron Diaz fiasco, we can only imagine the conversations between his management and his publicist. Perhaps they might have gone like this:

Publicist: Alan, hang on to your hair and tune in to TMZ. Seems Gerry called Cameron Diaz a dog while he was out jogging today.

Alan: Oh s_hit! You've got to be kidding me. Please say he didn't do that?

Publicist: Well, not in so many words, but tune in and you be the judge.

Alan: Let me check it out and I'll call you back!

Alan's significant other comes in the room as Alan is trying to find the video.

SO: What's the matter Alan? You look like you need a hug.

Alan: I need a stiff drink is what I need. Butler's done it again. He's compared Cameron Diaz to Lolita.

SO: Oh, oh. Why would he do that?

Alan: Because he's bent on making me lose the last of my hair, that's why.

SO: Oh you poor baby. Let me make you a cup of green tea.

Alan: Tea? I need some Valium. There goes all my hours of trying to get her agent to read the script JP and I sent him for the project we were working on.

SO: Did he really call her a dog?

Alan: No, but the paparazzi took his little sarcastic remark and are running with it. Look....it's on three different blogs already!

Significant Other watches the video with Alan and starts laughing.

Alan: It's not funny.

SO: No, but typical Gerry. I'm surprised he hasn't called you yet.

Alan: He will. Once the words were out of his mouth he probably realized he screwed up and he knows I'm going to be pissed.

SO: Time for some damage control. I've heard Diaz loves to wear gardenias in her hair ocasionally and with this hot weather.....

Alan: Yeah. Good thing we opened up an account with another florist. With Butler in LA filming this movie we're going to be owning a florist shop soon from the looks of it.

The phone rings and Alan picks it up.

GB: Alan?' Ah suppose Joy aaready called ye?

Alan: You supposed right. What on earth possessed you?

GB: Same thing always possesses me. Ah wis annoyed an' tryin' tae be cute. Ah f_ucked up hah?

Alan: Looks like it. 

" if I take my dog for a walk...
I’m f ..my dog?"
GB: Well, ah aaready wrote a note tae Cameron.

Alan: I'm calling Poison Ivy right now and ordering some gardenias. Have someone take the note down so it can be delivered with the flowers.

GB: She likes gardenias? How do you know?

Alan: (dryly) A little bird told me.

GB: Okay. Ah really dinna call her a dawg though.

Alan: Yeah, well tell that to the pap.

GB: Ah will. Next time ah f_uckin see em.

Alan: No, please. Just smile and ignore them.

GB: F_ck, ye know ah'm no guid at doin' that.   Ah am tryin' though.

He hangs up the phone.

Alan: (to SO) Better double up on my Rogaine tonight!

We can only imagine what was going through Butler's head before, during and after the incident. If he had to tell it it MIGHT go like this:

Butler: Well there ah wis, mindin' ma own f_uckin business an' takin advantage o' the beautiful weather, warmin up fer ma run an' listenin' tae one o' ma new Deepak meditation tapes, when a realized there wis a camera oan me.

Interviewer: You run to meditation tapes?

Butler: Nah, ah run tae music, but ah warm up an' cool doon tae some visualization tapes.

Interviewer: I see. And what happened when you saw the cameras?

Butler: See, ah wis playin' in the Highlands wi' Lolita.... well no' really the Highlands, but in ma heid ah go thare tae escape, an' so ah had ma dawg on the brain when the pap asked me the question about who ah wis seein' an' whether ah wis datin' Cameron an' naturally, ah wis f_uckin' annoyed kis they were bringin' me out o' ma almost meditative state....an' the furst thing came tae ma mind wis the comparison o' walkin' ma dog an' by the time ah realized how it musta sounded, ah wis aaready half way down the block and ah knew ah was in trouble.   Even on a braw day ah got a little dark cloud that follaes me aroun'. It's been there since ah wis a kid an' when ah'm ma happiest it naver fails tae drop a few sprinkles oan me tae remind me it's there.  It's a Scottish thing. Ma friends say ah should give it a name.

Now we can only imagine what Cameron Diaz was thinking when the news reached her. She is another joker, so perhaps she understood the humor and she is certainly well acquainted with the paparazzi and their tricks, so perhaps her tranquillity was not disturbed too much. We can imagine it went down like this:

CD's Father: Oye Cami linda? Ese Escoses bruto que te llamo' un dog esta loco? Quieres que yo call a mi amigo en el Cuban Mafia que lo pongan a dormir with the fishes esta noche?

CD: No papi lindo! El es un loco, pero he's okay. Solo tiene una big mouth pero no es bad. Yo hablare' con el mas tarde a clear up las cosas. No te worry por me! Yo soy un big girl y puedo take care de mi misma.

CD's Father: Estas segura, mi baby?

CD: Si papi. I'm sure.

The following item appeared on the cellulebrities.com website on 4-12-08:

Last night the lovely Ms. Cameron Diaz was spotted dining at Koi with friends. Decked out in a white, summery Zac Posen silk and linen organza *dress with a large, fragrant gardenia in her hair, the tanned Diaz related to friends that the gardenia was a gift from actor Gerard Butler. When asked if she and Butler were an item, she smiled demurely and refused to comment, adding that she was really more fond of his dog!

And so, dear friends, we close another day in the life of Gerard Butler and his Hollywood adventures and you might say that this particular incident is just a little more water under the proverbial bridge, or in this case, a few scattered showers from one man's personal little thundercloud.

Signing off,

Zoni with a Z (but prounounced with an S)

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the twilight zone of the writer's mind somewhere in LaLa Land.

For those of you who are interested in Cami's dress:

I tried it on and though a perfect fit, I looked like a creampuff left out in the sun too long, but on her it probably would look good. 

NOTE:  Two days after I posted this, Cameron Diaz' father died very suddenly.  It was a very sad day.  I imagined his conversation to his much loved daughter and was in no way making fun of either of them.

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate


The Z Report 4-08-08 - Some Ketchup with My Fans, Please!

"Ah've arrived all right, an' late as usual..."
 Gerry and Friend Laura Heering
Some Ketchup with My Fans, Please! 

This week the Z report delves into all the tabloid rumors surrounding the busy and very much in demand Scottish actor Gerard Butler who is currently in town reading scripts and getting ready to start filming The Ugly Truth co-starring Katherine Heigl next week. Our record of not asking stupid questions has paid off in an exclusive interview given to our own lovely, Fulla Crapsody in which Mr. Butler was kind enough to address several topics of current interest to movie fans.

Fulla met up with him poolside at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills where he had just undergone a body glow salt rub, followed by a 90 minute massage. After telling us the masseuse used a mixture of grapeseed, avocado and extra virgin olive oil to help tone his skin as well as his muscles, he told us he felt like a "well dressed salad" and giving us his throaty laugh, promptly ordered a cheeseburger with french fries and a coke with lots of ice.

FC: Thanks for agreeing to this interview and I guess my first question would be, do people really get your ironic sense of humor?

GB: Ah'm no' sure they do. Ah'm no'  sure ah get it half the time maself! (laughs)

Butler sips on a glass of Figi water during our conversation.

GB: See ah've always had this problem wi'  synchronizin' ma thoughts an' ma worts so sometimes ah'm no' entirely sure what's goin'  tae come out o' ma mouth when ah say something. It's kin' o' like the chicken an' the egg. Ma thoughts are all kin' o' scrambled in ma head, each fightin' tae get out at once. When ah try tae articulate em, they all come rushin' out, sometimes out o' order an' ah only realize whit ah've said after ah've said it. Ma mum says this particular synchronization problem comes from ma father's side o' the family, an' o' course, she WOULD say that. But Auntie Kathleen winked at me an' told me later their uncle James was the same way, so ah'm thinkin' mebbe ah got a double dose o' it! (laughs) But tae answer yer question, yeah ah guess some people dinna get ma sense o' irony an' it's gotten me in trouble more times than ah kin count.

FC: Doesn't seem to have done you any permanent damage yet. However, if given the chance to address it to your fans what would you say to them?

GB: (thinking it over) Emm emm (humming a few bars to get in key...he sings) "Luve me or leave me an' let me be lonelllllyyy. Ye'll naiver beeeleeeve me, but ah luve ye ooonly.........(more laughter)

FC: Is that more irony?

GB: O' course not! (laughs)

FC: Okay, lets get down to the rumor mill swirling about you these days. You've become a popular target for the paparazzi and the tabloids as well. How does it feel? Does it mean you've finally arrived, all this attention?

GB: Ah've arrived all right, an' late as usual. But this is a case where ah'm almost thinkin' it's better no' tae have arrived at all. Ah feel a bit like Cinderella kis ah'm always worryin' the clock's goin' tae start clanging midnight an' ah'll be left standing  barefoot an' in rags, surrounded by a rotten pumpkin an' some mice that will be pickin' at ma toes and that's what they'll be taken pictures o'.  Ah'm no' sure ah'm entirely comfortable wi'  the trade off o' this fame thing.

FC: Well from the looks of some of your recent photos and some of the comments I've seen on several websites, they've caught you at a few unflattering moments already and you seemed less then enchanted to see them, although you recovered well. Is it the price one pays for celebrity these days?

GB: Ah guess it depends on what kin' o' celebrity ye want tae be. Ah naiver wanted tae be this kind, or at least ah didna think ah wanted tae, but all the attention sometimes starts tae go tae yer heid.  Alan tells me it's all good, but it's startin' tae get a little scairy.  It brings out the the bad boy in me. Ah canna help it an' sometimes certain extremeties have a mind o' their own. But all in all, ah'm happy right now. All this crap is what ah've wirked for an' ah'm finally stairtin' tae relax a bit an' often feel like a kid in a candy store an' ah want tae share it wi' people. Ma friends are lovin' it, cep fer the paparazzi thing. It's like yer glad when no one recognizes ye, then when someone does, yer flattered. It goes back an' forth. Sometimes ah luve it an' sometimes ah hate it! Mostly ye just go along wi' it, but when ye're in a bad mood, ye got tae watch yerself  an' ah'm no' good at doin' that. That's when ah get in trouble.

The waiter brought Butler his food and he hungrily dug into it, spilling ketchup on his white tee. Attempting to clean it up with his napkin and some ice water, he finally gives up and shrugs his shoulders, flashing us his PS I Love You smile.

GB: Sometimes ah'm a slob! (laughs)

FC: Can we ask you about girlfriends? There have been pictures of you posted with someone that looked actress Laura Heering, who was walking your dog. Was it her? Anything there?

GB: Yeah, we're friends. She lives in ma neighborhood an' she's in luve wi' ma dog. Lots o' people are. She's verra fain  an' luvable. Ma dog, that is.

FC: So nothing more than that going on between you?

GB: Ma dog? Just kidding! (laughs) If there wis ah wouldna tell ye anyways. The poor wumman would be attacked by the press an' the fans would have a field day tearin' her apairt. She's too nice an' bonnie fer that.

FC: I saw the TMZ videos of you after you had your teeth worked on and at Villa nightclub with the DWTS people. You're a favorite these days. Did you know the DWTS people from before?

GB: Yeah, the paps followed me from the f_uckin' dentist. Ah felt like crap, cep fer the painkillers. Then one o' ma friends met me fer lunch a little later an' they started in oan that.

FC: The mysterious tall man in the beige shirt?

GB: Mysteeereeous, aye! (laughs)

FC: Would you like to comment?

GB: If ah commented he wouldna be mysteereeous fer long would he? (laughs)

FC: I guess not, but it would clear up some misconceptions people have had.

Butler stops his food in mid air and became serious momentarily, his good humor returning almost immediately.

GB: Ye want tae know how much ah care about people's misconceptions? Ah dinna give a flyin 'camel's f_uck about them!   Besides, he's no' a public figure an' ah dinna have tae sell ma friends tae the press. It's bad fer ma soul!

(looking perturbed)
Those worts sound  familiar. Where have ah said that before? (laughs)

FC: Fair enough. And the DWTS group?

GB: Great bunch o' people. We had a guid time an' ah offered some o' em some coffee an' a ride home. The paps were in rare form that day when we came out o' Villa an' they kept followin' us and snapping away. Ah got tae admit tae hammin'  it up some. All these grown men chasing ye and the questions kin get sae stupid ah canna help maself,

FC: Were you doing some research connected to your next movie? Are we going to see Gerard Butler dance?

GB: (laughs) You'll have tae wait an' see. Ah've got some new moves tae show off in this role an' ah think it's gonna be a blast doin' it. Ah think ma fans are goin'  tae enjoy seein' that side o' me.

FC: Sounds interesting. We know you constantly struggle with your addiction to cigarettes, are you worried that your co-star in this is a smoker?

GB: Yeah, a little. That's why ah took that little trip tae India si Deepak could give me some ammunition tae resist the craving.  Wi' a little hypnotic suggestion, some meditation, an' some other tricks ah learnt there, ah'm keepin' ma finger's crossed  I kin stay off the fags. It's the hardest thing ah've ever done an' it leaves me cranky when ah've got the craving. Deepak says ah need tae fin' something tae replace it.

FC: Would Cameron Diaz be helping you with that? (laughs)

GB: Ah, Cameron. Nice girl. Ah guess ah'm shaggin' her, aye?

FC: According to the tabloids, you two are an item. Does she like your puppy too?

GB: That depends on which puppy ye're talkin' about? (laughs heartily)

FC: Do tell.

GB: Ma grandmother taught me that a gentlemen naiver kisses an' tells, although ah'm no' much o' a gentlemen sometimes an' ma mouth certainly disna understand the meanin'  o' reserve when it stairts movin'  prematurely. But all kiddin' aside, Cammie has one verra nice body. Ma friends keep callin' me tae ask if ah've seen her naked yet.

FC: And you tell them what.....?

GB: Same as ah'm tellin' ye. None o' yer business. Cammie an' ah are friends an' we got lots tae talk about an' ah canna tell ye about what either.

FC: So you're not giving us anything? Throw a bone to your fans?

GB: A bone? Are ye kiddin'? Mebbe a hand grenade? (laughs)  Dinna get me wrong,  ah got some really cool fans, but the way some o' em fight wi' each other gives ma willy the willies.

FC: They fight with each other? About what?

GB: F_uck if ah know! Ah got fans that are obsessed wi' ma fans. Ah naiver saw such a crazy bunch o' f_ucked up wimmin.  If ah ran intae a few o' em in a dark alley, ah'd learn tae fly real quick. It's a constant battle over who has ma back, the extreme gushers or the anti-fan fans. An' get this, now ah even got anti-ME fans, who profess to "not" see ma movies. What the de'il did ah do tae deserve that kin' o' devotion? (nervous laughter)

FC: Sounds a bit "out there"...

GB: Out there? Ye ever visit my IMDb board? Ah kin get f_cked an' flogged wi' a cat o' nine tails in the same sentence. Even Alan is scairt tae peek in anymore an' take the temperature, cause they even make fun o' him too! (laughs) Used tae be amusin' readin'  once in a while, but it's a way o' life wi' some. Ma fans are startin' tae get as much press as ah am. An' what some o' them dinna get is that they are givin' the obsessed more attention wi' their own obsession. Two side o' the same coin. Course they dinna see it that way. There's even a half twit who thinks she's me an' writes wi' a Scottish accent ye'd need subtitles tae unnerstand an' every one knows ah really dinna speak like that. Ma fans unnerstand me pairfectly!

He shakes his head.
GB: Ah'm naiver goin' tae unnerstand some wimmin. Ah'm thinkin' o' becomin' a monk. (laughs)

FC: We'll believe that when the moon turns to cheese.

GB: Ye mean it's not?

Now it was our turn to laugh.

FC: Sounds like you're rethinking all the past closeness? It's really that bad?

GB: Nah, ah'm exagerattin'. It's ma way. Ma fans are fine fer the most part, it's just the loonies on either side make lots o' noise an' give everyone else a bad name. As long as they go tae see ma movies an' dinna stairt attackin' ma dog.........

FC: So getting back to your love life.....

GB: Ah knew ye werna goin' tae let that one go. (laughs)

FC: So what's the scoop? You an' Cameron are just friends with a lot in common?

GB: ((giggles) Ye could say that. (thinking it over) She likes tae surf an' ah like tae sun. She likes tae exercise an' ah like not tae have tae exercise. She's cute an' funny and ah'm cute an' ironic. We baith like to tell dirty jokes an' though her's arna really that funny sometimes, she luves mine, er at least ah think she does! She giggles a lot anyways, sae ah canna really tell. An', oh yeah, we both had a crush on Justin Timberlake at one time! (laughs heartily) ...... Now THAT was irony!

FC: Are you happy with the reviews coming out on Nim's Island?

GB: (thinking it over and squinting his eyes) Ah'm no' goin' tae see that Timberlake comment oan d'listed tomorra am ah?

FC: Not a chance! Irony is sacred on the Z Report!

GB: Guid! Now about Nim's Island, ah got tae be a kid an' play aroun'  wi' Jodie an' Abigail an' ah think it shows. Ah'm happy it's doin' well an' all that cold water crap ah hated doin' will be worth it wi' it bein another one o' ma movies people will actually go an' see.

FC: Well we wish you luck with this one and with all your future projects. Thanks for being a good sport and answering our questions.

GB: Yer welcome.

FC: And one last thing. It's a good thing we don't have a "swear jar" going for this interview.

Butler smiles.
GB: Ah'd be broke in no time, aye?

We smiled at each other a shook hands.

The interview over, Butler immediately busied himself with trying to get the ketchup off his shirt once more, but only ended up with a wet shirt and a big red stain in the middle.

GB: Leuks like ah'm back in Sparta! (giggle) Oh well. (shrugs his shoulders)

Finally tiring of his efforts, he slung his bag across the stain and smiled sheepishly at us before putting down several large bills for lunch.

We walked through the hotel lobby and out to valet, Butler, comfortable in his stained shirt, a pair of torn jeans and white tennis shoes and completely oblivious to the stares from some of the other well dressed guests. As I watched him drive off in his fancy BMW sports car I couldn't help thinking how much I liked the unpretentious contrast of the actor with his surroundings.....and found myself hoping against all hope that, even with the crazy fans, fame doesn't spoil him too much. It would be a shame.

Signing off,

Zoni with a Z (but pronounced like an S)

Disclaimer: The above interview is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the mind of the writer only.

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Z Report 4-01-08 The April Fool?

A wistful conundrum.

The April Fool?

I can think of no more appropriate day to celebrate the rising star of Scottish actor Gerard Butler and all his up and coming films than April Fools day. For a man who hates appearing the fool, he is often thought to be one by some members of a growing fan base of mostly middle aged women that in turn loves to hate him and hates to love him. It is a phenomena that is sometimes hard to understand, yet when you observe the man behind the adoration and derision, perhaps not so difficult after all.

Were Butler just a pretty face on the screen and an insipid personality up front it might be easier for some to dismiss him. But the fact that he is something more....a conundrum...appearing one thing one moment and another the next , he baffles some. Bafflement sometimes carries an element of frustration and the inability to peg this man in a square or a round hole has caused the frustration to boil over into that derision and not a little animosity felt by some of the fans who thought they knew who he was. The same thing that drew them in now sometimes repels them, but in that repulsion they are still hooked because whatever he does, he makes them FEEL something and love and hate are said to be the different sides of the same coin.

The long time observer who has read between the lines could have predicted this reaction. Too much adoration by so many could only follow the pattern of dissatisfaction and question in their own lives and for a man who is sometimes supposed to be a substitute for the lack of excitement in those lives, it is a tall order to fill, that of being the perfect man to fill the unfillable little void that sometimes comes with being human.

Well they sure picked a doozy for that role. Butler is anything but perfect. He is a messy contradiction of a man/boy who has tried to be everything to many and at the the same time and finally, trying to be true to himself, despite what others may think. This fame thing is new and invasive and he likes it and hates it at the same time. The little kid is getting the payoff, finally, only that payoff is sometimes uncontrollable and when the mood doesn't strike him, the payoff still keeps on being in your face in the form of the intrusive razzi that keeps you on the front burner, yet can singe the outer corners of your inner tranquility when you sometimes have a hard time finding it, which, by his own admission, is the case with Butler.

Gerard Butler is not your classic leading man. Ruggedly handsome in a tall frame, his face sports a pair expressive or empty green eyes, depending on the thought processes going on behind them, a mouthful of uneven but boyish looking teeth and lips that women rhapsodize over, sometimes taking on the shape of cupid's bow. To contrast that, in the middle sits a prominent nose that fills out the space nicely and a killer smile that grabs you, depending on the sincerity behind it. That same face can display a guilessness and naivety that immediately shows us the little boy still so present in the man and in turn, the calculated smile of the man who knows there is something to be accomplished with it. The radiant, genuine smile of pleasure that truly lights up his features can just as quickly be replaced by a poker face that lets no one in and gives nothing out and the transformation reminds us we are dealing with a man who acts for a living. 

The actor face that gives nothing.

As someone who has witnessed women's reaction to this man at several screenings of his movies, and just recently at a film festival of Butler related topics, I found myself sinking lower into my seat every time Butler appeared on the screen or his name was mentioned, when the movie theater was punctuated with deep sighs and moans coming from the women around me. I was embarrassed by the display, and yet looking around at the women, somewhat understood some of it. I suspect for many, this man seems to embody the unrequited love for the High School jock that never bore fruit but still shines so brightly in a girl's memory. All these women were reliving their youth via Gerard Butler and although their bodies were no longer lithe or their faces innocent, they were still those girls inside, unfulfilled by something in life or perhaps still reaching out for the unreachable. That this man would at the same time be the same cad the High School jock was or not quiet live up to the memory, or in this case the expectation, is reason enough for all that longing to at times turn to anger, and yes, even hostility. After all, the higher you've climbed, the more distance the fall, when it finally comes, and of course since one can't blame false expectations, the blame has to fall on the shoulders of the object of desire, namely the Scottish actor.

So who is this object that he should inspire this kind of emotional response in the female sex? It is anyone's guess at this point.   From personal observations, he is funny, he is playful, he is smart.   He has a dual nature and is given to rhapsodising when he speaks.   He is impressionable, yet he filters out what he can't use.   He is highly ironic.   He is private, yet he likes the limelight.  He values the friends he trusts and is loyal to them as they are to him. He has said he is perfectionist and a workaholic and it is evidenced by how busy he is.

The rest is still a work in progress and contradictory at best and he likes it that way. He doesn't lie when he talks to the press, as some think. He tells a variation of his truth, it's just that that truth keeps changing because he has that dual nature at work and though he likes quiet, he has to have excitement too!  He likes beauty and adores his family and his dog. He is genuine....it's just that some don't understand his brand of genuine. The insiders that know him know he can be difficult in his perfectionism, but they are still drawn to the fact he has good instincts and the fact that there is something real about him.  His boyish excitement draws them in as well. 
The genuine smile that gives it all.
 And finally we get down to his sexuality. The 100,000 dollar question. The man has said it. Don't put him in a box....in any way. He's complicated, he's simple...he's both. People will speculate endlessly until, or if, he finally tells us.  Not so different from any of the single Hollywood leading men, though  with him one thing does stand out and it is something people pick up. The man is very sexual. Whether he has a lot of sex or not is a different matter, but he gives off that sexual vibe. However he satisfies it and with whom is of no consequence to some. To others it seems of paramount importance and those are the ones that will keep asking or trying to answer. Whatever questions there may be of Butler's sexuality, it does not diminish him any or make him any less interesting. Perhaps he likes leaving that ambiguity out there. Good for him!  He says he is too busy for love now and, knowing how quickly Hollywood romances burn out, perhaps he's smart enough to know that he can't balance the two successfully at the moment.

Saint or sinner, player or workaholic this guy can draw you in and sometimes leave you wanting more. His charm for me is in his always present irony and humor (even when it's unintentional) and his awkwardness and some intangible I can't quite name...perhaps the contradiction of the old eyes that have seen a lot and the naivety of the boy that still resides within and plays dress up on the screen to delight us with his performances.

Fool? Perhaps.  But I am more inclined to think it is we who are the fools and, in many cases, gladly so.

To all the fools out there, including Mr. Butler, Happy April Fools day!

Signing off,

Zoni with a Z (but pronounced with an S)

Disclaimer: The above report is all in the head of the writer and posted for entertainment purposes only.

The Z Report 3-20-08 - Sleepless in Beverly Hills

The Z Report's Coni Undrum was lucky enough to strike up a conversation with 300 and PSILY heartthrob, Gerard Butler, when he stopped in for a late lunch at one of his favorite spots after a day of being photographed not once, but twice by the stalkerazzi press. The hereto flying under the radar actor has become a much sought after target of the "flashbulb desperadoes" due to the noisy clamoring of a growing fan base anxious for a look at their favorite leading man. The following is her report.

by Coni Undrum

Due to a heavy promotion schedule in Hawaii for upcoming film Nim's Island, as well as prepping for his role in one unannounced project and The Ugly Truth to start filming in April, Gerard Butler was still showing some signs of jet lag by his tousled appearance when I caught up with him at lunch today at a favorite 3rd Street hot spot in La La land.

After engaging in some pleasantries, I showed Butler several photographs that appeared on the internet earlier in the day. The unguarded and sleepy looking Scot made the following candid comments and laughed after looking at this photo. 
"Ah leuk like ah'm trying tae stop traffic with a Tai Chi pose..."
"ah leuk sleepy an' puffy ..."

GB: (laughing) Ah leuk like ah'm trying tae stop traffic wi' a Tai Chi pose in this one, heh? Ah kin imagine the speculation goin' on about why ah wis visitin' the medical center.

CU: Would you care to enlighten us?

GB: Actually, ah wis there fer two reasons. Furst o' all ah wis comin' out o' the Sleep Lab, where ah spent the night hooked up tae electrodes fer a sleep study. They wouldna let me sleep onn ma face an' that really wis hard fer me.

The animated Butler pointed at another photo in the bunch.

GB: Ye kin tell ah didna get much sleep, kis ah leuk sleepy an' puffy in this one.

CU: You said two things. What was the other reason?

GB: Well, ye see ah have this friend named Arletta who's goin' tae become Arlo after havin' some sex reassignment surgery, an' ah promised tae meet her at her surgeon's office an' show him what she wants tae leuk like in the 'after' photos, if ye know what ah mean? (grins)

CU: You're not serious?

GB: No, but it sure sounded guid, didn't it?  Wouldn't that set the tongues waggin'. (laughs heartily)

CU: You had me going for a moment there. But back to the sleep study. What keeps you awake at night that you need a sleep study?

GB: It's more like "what disna keep me awake?" A little bit o' everythin'. Stress,  snorin' (ma own), stuffy nose, allergies, probably some sleep apnea, late night an' early mornin'  movie calls, ma dog... the tickin' clock....ye name it.... An' the older ah get, the warse it gets, sae ah thought ah'd better get it checked out.

CU: Sounds like a good idea. And what did they find?

GB: Well so far all they would tell me is that ah talked in ma sleep an' asked em fer a venti latte wi' extra foam twice durin' the night, an' ah had four erections an' kept shoutin' out while ah wis dreamin' about a seal named Cass an' a seahorse named Oliver trying tae have sex. If ye kin figure that one out y'ere a better pairson than me, kis ah've no idea what it meant!

CU: (laughing) A seahorse and a seal trying to mate? Now that's one for the books.

GB: Yeah, you'd think ah'd be dreamin'  o' dancin' girls an' sultry actresses wanting a piece o' me,  an' instead ah'm officially oan record as gettin' a boner fer a seal instead o' a mermaid. What kin' o' crap is that?

CU: Perhaps your stint on Nim's Island?

GB: Yeah, ah'm sure it wis some o' that,  an' mebbe it was ma doin' the voice over fer the Mariner oan the Black Freighter story. How excitin' is that?

CU: Maybe you're working too hard?

GB: Ye think? Thank God ah'm doin' a comedy wi' Kathleen Heigl next.

CU: Katherine.

GB: Yeah, Katherine. Whatever!  Right now ah'm thinkin' ah really need tae get laid soon or ah'm goin' tae think ah've developed an unhealthy attachment tae marine life from being submerged in the ocean so much lately!

CU: Yes, I heard it was tough going filming Nim's.

GB: Well, no' only that. Ye know Zack Snyder is quite the taskmaster. He wis no' happy wi me just doin' the voice over fer the Mariner. No.  Ah really had tae get intae the mood by tying maself tae an ocean bound raft tied wi bobbin' coconut heads full o' red paint an' bein slowly pulled by a power boat an'  look at Zack sittin' in the boat wi'  this giant megaphone shoutin' at me...."are ye feelin' the rage yet, Gerry? Are ye feelin the rage?" Fer a minute ah had a touch o' deja' vous an' thought ah wis back filmin' Butterfly On a Wheel.
Leaving Dr. Needlewang's
It's no wonder ah'm havin' crazy dreams.

CU: Wow, now that's really wanting you to get in character. Well, at least he kept his word on getting you into Watchmen some way.

GB: Aye, but ah'm thinkin' he was just torturin' me wi' the raft routine fer me bein' a pain in the arse an' all the flack ah gave em while filmin' 300.  Wi' that sweet little smile o' his,  Zack's like an elephant that naiver forgets. (laughs)

CU: Really?

GB: Ah'm kiddin, but .....yeah..ah'm just jokin' aroun'. The guy really luves me. (makes a face)

CU: Well at least it's good to know you were feeling good enough to go to the gym later today when this was next shot was taken.

GB: Naw. Ah wis no' really at the gym. Ah wis seein' ma acupuncturist tae see if he could give me some pain relief from a toothache on the left side o' ma mouth that's botherin' me. Ah can't get intae see the dentist till tomorrow. See how puffy ma left side is?

CU: You were at the acupuncturist and not the gym?

GB: Aye, ah went in an' out the alley in back an' in through the gym tae fool the razzi that were trailing me all day. It becomes a game after a while. Can't ye see the smile oan ma face here kis ah fooled em?

CU: Bet that felt good.

GB: Yep, did it ever!

CU: Did the treatment help?

GB: Sure. Dr. Needlewang is the best! He's the one helped me tae quit smokin' too!

CU: Well perhaps if they get to the bottom of your sleeplessness, he can help you there too?

GB: Well he said has this good leuking niece he's been wantin' tae introduce me to, but ah dinna want to spoil the relationship by complicating matters wi' dating a relative. Bein' as things tend tae git complicated.....

CU: No, I meant by prescribing some Chinese medicine.

GB: Well, ah think that's what he wis talkin' about when he mentioned his niece.

CU: No, I meant as in herbs.

GB: Oh, ye mean that crazy smellin' stuff ye brew in water?

CU: Yes.

GB: Ah'd rather take ma chances wi' the niece, even if she tarns out tae leuk like the seal. Mebbe if she wears one o' those sexy chamsong dresses it will be all right?

CU: You mean a Cheongsam dress?

(thinking it over an making a face)
GB: Yes that's whit ah said. An' if she's really ugly, ah'll put a blindfold oan an tell her ah'm intae kinky sex an' kin only perform in the dark. That really ought tae test ma visualization powers fer sure, along wi' all the other guid things ah learnt in India.

CU: How was your trip to India?

GB: (smiling) 'Twas great! Ah got ma fill o' terrific Indian food, although ah gotta confess ah really learnt the meaning o' "fire in the belly" over some o' the local curries. Man that stuff comes out as spicy as it goes down, if ye get ma drift, an' then it becomes a pain in the arse, literally. 

In India at Oneness Uni
CU: (smiling ) What else, besides the food, did you enjoy?

GB: It's a very speeeritual country an' the local lasses are also very awe inspirin'.   Awe inspirin'....awe inspiring ......ah'm gettin better at usin' it.

CU: Using what?

GB: One o' ma fans told me tae stop using the wort "awesome" kis she noticed ah'd picked it up an' wis usin' it lately. She said it was a grossly misused wort in the American vernacular these days an' had totally lost its value from bein used so trivially. Besides' she said it sounded kin' o' lame comin' from a supposedly educated Scot an' ah should use "awe inspirin" instead, kis it sounded more intelligent, so ah'm trying it out. Whit do ye think?

CU: I think you have a very smart fan.

GB: Ah got lots o' smairt fans. Lots o' nutty ones too, but ah guess ye get the guid wi' the no' sae guid an', as long as they go tae see ma films, ah'll have tae grin an bare it.

Actually giggling.

GB: That wis a joke!

CU: You were saying about India?

GB: Oh yeah. Ah saw lots o' pretty places an' bonnie faces too! Ah visited some temples an' talked tae some speeritual leaders who were verra wise.

CU: Did you bathe in the Ganges?

GB: Ah'm tryin to become more speeeritual, not kill maself!   Ah'm no' the healthiest pairson in the warld already, sae ah dinna need tae go leukin fer more trouble. It already finds me even when ah dinna go leukin'. God knows what ah'd be dreamin' o' wi' a dip in those waters.  It leuks beautiful though!

CU: I see what you mean. What was your favorite part of India?
India:  Discussing elevating the yang.

GB: (deadpanning) Comin' home? (giggles) Just kiddin! Ah loved all the color an' the pagentry an' the simple, intelligent, speeeritual conformity an' peacefulness o' the people. It makes ye slow down a little an' try tae figure out why we are always in such a hurry for everything an' so afraid o' everythin' else. Ah want a bit o' that.

CU: Will you keep pursuing this spiritual quest?

GB: O' course. While ah'm still dreamin'  o' seals an' seahorses, ah think it best tae get tae the bottom o' it all. Mebbe ah'm goin tae be a seahorse in ma next life, if there is such a thing,  so ah'd better figure it out before ah git there,  kis mating wi' a seal isna the smartest thing tae do an' an early death wish at best. (laughing)

CU: (laughing) True

The waiter brought Butler his lunch and we thought it was time to depart and let him eat in peace.

CU: Thanks for your time.

GB: Ma pleasure. Thanks fer no' askin'  stupid questions. They drive me nuts after a while.

Butler ravenously dug into his plate and we left him curiously studying a statuesque model- type settling in at the next table. We had the feeling he would not be alone for long and might perhaps get his wish of being "laid" that night.

Signing off for now,

*the no longer feverish
Zoni with a Z (but prounounced with an S)

Disclaimer: This story is only a figment of the writers imagination and did not actually take place, (although it could have) and is posted for entertainment purposes only.

* I'm rusty and wanted to get something up and these pictures provided some inspiration, regardless of how lame my attempt at doing them justice turned out. 

Comment 8-27-2010 = Gerry's puffy photos turned out to be due to dental work he'd just had done...so I wasn't far off in my thoughts.

The Z Report - Indigestion Central

"it takes more than one person to balance my chakras.."
The Z Report dated 3-09-08

As a follow up to last weeks report and to coincide with the upcoming release of Nim's Island in a few weeks and the Q & A session with fans from various fan sites, actor Gerard Butler agreed to do a phone interview with the Z Report and take questions from his IMDb message board known in Gerard Butler fandom as The Heart of Darkness or, simply, The Ghetto.

Trying to reach an agreement on how we would work this conversation, Mr. Butler declined to take questions directly from the fans on IMDb as he stated he was "scairet *beep* o' some o' em," but he would gladly take their submitted questions if presented by a disinterested party, in this case The Z Report's, Lacksbrevity Bore.


Mr. Butler phoned us from an undisclosed location where he says he has been hiding out and resting up for a few days after a visit to one of his physicians. He said on a previous visit to the same physician, he was mobbed by fans, necessitating a more discreet approach for his follow up visit, where he went in disguised as Johnny Knoxville with a toilet bowl stuck on his head. For a getaway, he was ushered out the back door and into a waiting garbage truck.  Declining to say what he was treated for, he said he said he was happy to be taking some "time out."

LB: Thanks for agreeing to take questions from your loyal admirers at IMDb.

GB: It's nice tae know ah have some admirers there. From some o' the things ah've heard an' read o' the place ah've thought it best no' tae dip ma toes in those waters too often. Which wirks out fine, since ah'm sae busy anymore.

(clearing his throat)
Ah got a meetin' in half an hour, sae shall we git started?

LB: Okay. Here is your first question. For some reason many of your fans are very concerned about the state of your soul, particularly since you often talk about it and have mentioned "on camera" that you are "working" on it. Some fans say your soul is beautiful, some say you don't have one, and others insist your soul resides in a more base and descriptive portion of your anatomy. Can you tell us exactly how you are working on your soul?

GB: Are ye crazy? Ye really expect me tae answer that crap oan the telephone?

Z: Well, yeah. These ARE questions from The Ghetto?

GB: Ah shoulda known what ah wis gettin' intae when ah agreed tae this eh?

Z: Your agent read the contract and you signed it.

GB: Ah knew ah shoulda put oan ma glasses an' read the fine print.

LB: You wear glasses?

GB: Ah'll naiver tell. (laughs)

(mulling it over) Well, let's see. Ma soul. Ma soul. Okay, ah think ah got it. Are we oan aire?

LB: We are now.

GB: Well ye see, ma soul is kind o' all over the place an' that's why it's visible tae all ma fans an' each sees it in a different light, depending oan where their heid is at any given time. Sometimes when ah'm havin' a tough time or ah'm unwell....like wi' ma chest infections or a really bad bout o' indigestion, ma soul jumps right up intae ma eyes and makes em leuk really puffy. After all, eyes are too small tae contain the whole o' a pairson's soul without gettin' a little red too. Does that sound right?

LB: You're saying your soul is what is making your eyes puffy?

GB: Well, a pairson's soul is a powerfully beautiful thing an' ah've had troubles wi' mine all o' ma life...ye know as in "wearin' it oan ma sleeve?"

LB: I always thought it was the heart one wore on one's sleeve?

GB: Aye, well that too, but ah wear ma soul there as well. An' that's where the trouble starts when they get to fightin' wi' each other an' ah really get confused an' a blurt out some things ah shouldna say, particularly oan talk shows or when ah'm promotin' movies.

LB: I see. You're saying it's your heart and your soul in conflict with each other that makes ye say some silly things?

GB: Exactly! An' then when ma soul drops a little lower in ma body, that's when ah really get fidgety an' in need o' some seerious work in terms o' elevatin'  it a little. See that's why when ma soul is feelin' really powerful an' ah canna deal wi' it oan ma own, ah go tae the clubs tae find a way o' releasin' all that pent up soulfulness. Kis music helps, ye know? An, o' course there are always some there willin' tae help me wi' ma problem?

LB: Clubbing elevates your soul?

GB: Aye, well like ah said, the soul is a powerful, powerful thing an' mine needs lots o' taming. But when ah really need some quality intervention, that's where ma Speeritual Advisors come in tae help in ma quest. They are able tae see ma aura, ye know ma electromagnetic field that is all charged up wi' these particles o' energy all sparkin' like like an electrical storm oan acid, only in ma case it's Starbucks. (taking a breath) An' kis o' all the wild fluctuations o' ma aura, it can only be dealt wi' by balancin' ma chakras.

LB: Balancing your chakras?

GB: Aye, an' o' course sometimes it takes more than one pairson tae massage ma chakras an coax ma soul back intae higher ground, where it belongs, in tarn balancing ma Chi.

LB: Well I do understand that balancing one's Chi is important.

GB: That's right and balancing ma chi is all about the yang an' the yin. Kis every yang must have a yin....kinda like positive an' negative charges. Only ma yang is kinda strange an' sometimes takes more than one yin tae discharge, er ah mean recharge it. Well, actually both.

Ye uneerstan' what ah sayin'? It's kind o' confusin' but, in actual fact, amazin'.

LB: Oh yeah, amazing. So much soulfulness.

GB: (starts laughing) Did ah leave anythin' out?

LB: (dizzy) No, I think you covered the bases. Oh wait! How about an answer for those who say you have no soul?

GB: Hmmm. How about tellin' them tae go post oan the Ewan McGregor board. Ewan is a friend o' mine, but he's more comfortable wi' showing off his big soul than ah am! (laughs at his joke)

LB: One of our posters said that there's an old movie making adage about not working with kids or animals. After doing Nim's Island, would you say this is true, or not?

GB: (laughs) Ah'm no' sure which is warse, havin' tae wear a money belt tae pay off a kid who is blackmailing ye intae supportin' her favorite charity kis ye canna keep yer "fu_kin mouth shut er go more en two sentences without sayin' f@@K, or havin' a trained pelican crap oan yer heid several times a day when yer tryin' tae film a scene where ye have tae attach a note tae it's foot while yer boat is rockin' back n forth an' having the film crew sloshin' bucket fulls o' water all o'er ye.

LB: Sounds like the adage is true then?

GB: Well, at least Abagail wis cute an' smart, which is more en ah' kin say fer the Pelican wi' the runs. Ah'm no' real fond o' birts anyway. (laughs)

LB: You've stated you've given up both alcohol and smoking. Are you a caffeine addict? And if so, do people have the heart to ask you to cut back?

GB: Addicted to caffeine? Yeah, I guess you could say that. As fer cutting back, ah've no intention o' doin' it, though ah'm sometimes ashamed ma dog Loly runs an' hides from me until ah've had ma first cup o' coffee of the day.  But after finally givin' up smoking, no one else would dare make that request, no' even Mum. (thinking) Although someone did hint ah was goin' tae get brittle bones an' rotten teeth from all the Coca Cola ah wis drinkin' the other day. But after ah told em that they were more likely tae get a broken bone an' loose teeth if they kept tellin' me that crap, they said all the weights I lifted would probably keep ma bones strong. (laughs)   A bit o' friendly persuasion on ma pairt.

LB: Speaking of your dog, one of our posters wanted to know why you take your dog to photo shoots and what made you choose a Pug in the first place?

GB: First o' all, ah dinna take Loly oan ALL ma photoshoots.  It's only when she gives me her "please take me" look an' ah've no' the heart tae leave her. She's such a cute little thing ah canna resist her. Besides, she's the only wumman in ma life who puts up wi' all ma faults without complainin.
The Evil Twins - Gerry and Alan

As fer owning a pug, what's the matter wi' pugs? Loly is a particularly good leukin'  pug too, an' the best chick magnet ah've ever had in ma life! If Loly disna like the leuks o' a girl, she's not comin'  home wi' me, that's fer sure! Either that, er ah have tae lock her in the other room....the girl, not Loly. (laughs)

LB: She does have some very pretty coloring.

GB: Aye, that wis the first thing ah noticed too!

LB: How do you feel about some of the pictures floating around the internet where some fans have been photographed playing with and carrying on with your action dolls, and with Nim's Island coming out, how do you feel about possibly starting a new generation (of young, prepubescent fans) collecting, trading, and playing with Gerry dolls?

GB: Ah'm no' sure how tae answer that one. Ah've heard o' some o' the dark places ma "action" dolls have been an' sometimes it makes me laugh an' sometimes it gives me the creeps.  Now if ah had tae imagine prepubescent girls playing wi' ma action figures, verses some o' ma older fans playing wi' them, ah guess there is no contest as to which one would seem more normal. It's natural fer children o' both sexes tae play wi' dolls. But if ah had ma pick, ah'd raither imagine ma doll playin fans tae be between 18-25. (laughs) Whatever their age, all ah ask o' ma fans is a little respect. After all, King Leo was a heero an' deserves a heero's special care an' handlin!  No abusing him OR his swort an' no fair puttin' Queen Gorgo's dresses on him either. (laughs)

LB: Kinky!

GB: That's ma middle name!

LB: Speaking of kinky, our resident Peace Officer wants to know if you ever visit IMDb, and if you do, how you feel about the S & M threads?

GB: Resident Peach Officer you said?

LB: Peace Officer, as in Policewoman.

GB: Hmmmm. Dis that mean she gits tae wear a tight little uniform an' she has her awn handcuffs?

LB: I'm not sure how tight or little her uniform is, but she is very fond of handcuffs.

GB: Well, in that case, ye kin quote me on bein' verra fond o' Sensory Modulation persuasion an' don't mind it at all, kis God knows ah need to modulate ma response tae some of my more "out there" attacks o' sensory deprivation. An it's no' altogether satisfyin' tae do it on ma own either. Another reason tae visit the clubs some taimes too an' ah'm thinking some handcuffs might come in handy when ah'm trying tae persuade someone tae come home wi' me an' modulate the more sensitive areas o' ma yang!.

LB: (clearing her throat) You certainly know a lot about Eastern Culture these days.

GB: Well ah'm no' shuir S & M is tied intae Eastern Philosophy, but ah like tae throw everythin'
intae a bag an' mix it up a little. It makes life more interestin'. Ye should see ma apairtment. Talk about a mixed bag!  But it fits me.

LB: In what way?

GB: Ah kin go from one room tae another, dependin' oan ma mood, an' it feels like ah'm in a completely different movie. Also, when ah want tae meditate, ah just look at the colors and patterns on ma walls an' ah kin take a trip without havin' ta drop some acid, if ye know what ah mean, an' that puts me in the pairfect mind tae meditate.

(pauses ) Ma friend Elvis did a bang up job fer me, kis he knows what ah like. An',  in actual fact, he was a set designer, so he's got a flair fer the dramatic...an' that's me, Mr. Dramatic!

LB: So we've observed.

GB: (suspicion in his voice) What do you mean by that?

LB: That you are fond of the "grand gesture" at times.

GB: Well ah hope ye mean that in a guid way.

LB: Absolutely the best!

GB: Okay. Any more questions?

LB: Just a few more and one we get repeatedly by one of our regulars and echoed by others.

GB: Oh, oh. Should ah be scairt?

LB: Just a little.

GB: Okay.....shoot.

LB: Since you are always talking about your "big" rooster, are you going to get naked for any of your movie roles or even photo shoots anytime soon?

GB: Ye mean a full frontal?

LB: Ah ha.

GB: Fer one thing, ah dinna believe in gratuitous nudity, but ah'm assumin that sooner or later there is goin' tae be a script ah absolutely "have" tae do that is goin' to call fer it.

LB: So that is a yes?

GB: That's a maybe. Ah'll worry about it when the time comes.

LB: So there IS hope for these perverted fans that are only interested in seeing your er....."yang."

GB: (laughing) Aye! Leuk, it's one thing to talk about it an' leave the rest tae wimmin's imaginations, an' another tae put it out there an' have to hear the comments an' take the ridicule if it disna live up tae expectations. I shudder tae think o' it!

LB: You're very bad for teasing them in the first place, you know?

GB: Ah'm bad? (laughs) Yeah, that's what ma mum always says!

LB: One final question. First I want to congratulate you on the formation of your own production company Evil Twins.

GB: Thank ye vera much.

LB: How is it going to feel working with your Manager Alan in the capacity of partner, instead of employee, which in a sense, a manager is?

GB: Good question. Ah've been askin' maself that too these last few days, although Alan has always been more than a manager. He's been a good an' trusted freend too an' pretty indispensable tae the way I operate in this business. As ma manager, our fortunes have always been linked, but now more so, wi' us developin' pictures an' taking more risks. We're still workin' out some o' the particulars, but it's an excitin'  time, an' if we dinna "kill each other first," ah think we are goin' tae do quite well, being well acquainted wi' each other's strengths.

LB: Well, our time is up. Is there anything you'd like to say to yer fans at IMDb before we close the line.

GB: Aye, ah'd like to tell em that much as I appreciate some o' them being in luve wi' ma more physical assets, an' ah tend to joke aroun' a lot, ah do have a guid brain an' it disnae all reside in Alan's heid.

LB: And to your detractors?

GB: Tell em tae keep postin an' watchin ma movies so they kin pan ma actin' skill, cause ah dinna mind havin' one o' the busiest boards on IMDb.

LB: Thanks for taking the time to include our growing family here in The Ghetto in your Nim's promotion.

GB: My pleasure, an' ah really wouldna call IMDb The Ghetto.

LB: What would you call it?

GB: (laughing) How about "Indigestion Central?"

LB: Why is that?

GB: Kis ah get a pain right in the middle o' my gut when some o' ma friends kid around an' ask me if ah've been arrested fer pedophelia yet?

LB: That's not a laughing matter.

GB: Exactly ma point!

And there you have it dear readers. Another Z Report exclusive with our favorite Scot and now budding producer, Gerard "I've got a Brain too" Butler. Our thanks to Lacksbrevity for acting as our representative and stay tuned for more next week.

Signing off

Zoni with a Z (but prounounced with an S)

Disclaimer: The above interview, with the exception of question provided by some posters, is ENTIRELY FICTIONAL and took place in the mind of the writer only and is posted for entertainment purposes only.

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate