Friday, August 20, 2010

300 Prequel: Dating Gorgo -Part 15 The Main Event #5

by zonistonate   (Sat Jul 21 2007 03:50:11)
"I pledge to stay out of your way when you are re-stringing your slingshot..."

Zack and Gerry are huddled in a meeting.

Zack: Come on Gerry. It's not anything you haven't done before. It will look funny if we get a body double. We need a close up shot.
Besides, what's so difficult about having a bird land on your shoulder during the wedding ceremony? It's integral to the movie and becomes a sign to all Sparta that even though you are part Carpathian, you are still meant to be the next of two anointed Kings?

Gerry:  I already told ye. I don't do well with animals, cept fer Loly. An' even she took a few bites  before the trainer got her to stop it.   I had to do some fast talkin' ta those Nordic ponies during Beowulf as well, to keep em from dumpin' me.

(pursing his lips) Besides, with my luck, the bird'll crap on my head instead o' landing on ma shoulder.

Zack: So we'll use a fake bird. A prop.

Gerry: Unh unh to that too!   I still have a knot  from Nim's Island from ma bracelets gettin' stuck on the mechanical Pelican they used in the scene where Abigail was supposed to be sending me a message, and I accidently brought the damned thing down on my head. I was in the tank on the boat at the time an' fell head first into the water. Yuk! Ye know what a few mouthfuls o' that tastes like?  It went right up ma nose an' I got a head cold an' ear infection from it. Talk about bein' miserable on a shoot.  I couldna hear half o' ma lines cause my ears were so plugged up.

Zack: You poor thang!

Gerry: (undaunted) And it was cold in sunny Australia after that interminable flight. The fates musta known I was comin' and put out the welcome mat. "He's used to this crap, lets heap a little more on him."

(without taking a breath)
And can ye tell me why directors always insist on doin' the difficult shots furst before ye even get yerself used ta bein' in character?   I had a froggy voice fer half the shoot to rival the one   after hittin' that high note in the dungeon scene in Phantom. Good thing I only had to say "HEEEELLLLLLL."   I couldna stop ma uvula from vibratin' fer the next half hour after that one.

Zack: I feel for you Gerry. I really do. But we need this shot.

Gerry: Can't ye use CGI? The rest o' the damn movie is CGI. Why not the bird?

Zack: Because we need you to interact with the bird. It's a sign to the people.

Gerry: Couldn't I just find a sword like I did in Attila?

Zack: This is Sparta Gerry.

Gerry: An' what has that got ta do wi the price o' bananas?

Zack: You're still sore about the fluffer?

Gerry: Yeah, well when ye get me a 350lb circus fat lady wi a beard an' a bag full of torture tools, whattaya think?

Zack: It was a joke. A funny.

Gerry: Yeah, well yer joke scared "ma wee boy" into hiding fer at least a week. Not even lookin' at pictures o' Naomi ass is gonna coax him out fer a while.

Zack: Now why don't I believe you?

Gerry: (grinning) Ye traumatized him! He's a tender little thing.

Zack: Little?  I never heard you admit that one before.  Shall we hire an Elvis impersonator to sing Love Me Tender for you?

Gerry: Well, not so little, but if ye're talkin' Vegas, ye might as well send fer Stormy Daniels instead.

Zack: I thought she wasn't your type?

Gerry: She isn't, but after yer fluffer, anything's an improvement.

Zack: We'll talk about that later. Right now I need you to make friends with the bird.

Gerry: Is it female?

Zack: How the hell should I know? Besides, what difference does it make?

Gerry: What kinda bird we talkin' about here?

Zack: A crow. You;re a Spartan. No peaceful white dove for you.

Gerry: I hate those things! They make me nairvous. They're mean mothers! Besides ye know what kind o' crap those birds take?

Zack: (sarcastically) We'll put a diaper on the bird.

Gerry: How about a plug? An' can ye glue the beak together or somethin' so it won't peck at me. I don't want ta lose an eye!

Zack: (exasperated) And have someone report us to PETA for cruelty to crows?

Gerry: So I get ta risk my eye so the crow's feelings don't get hurt?

Zack shrugs his shoulders.

Gerry: Can ye drug the bird? Give it an Ambian?

Zack: So then we'll have a drunk or crazy bird instead?

Gerry: Better than a one eyed Gerry Butler!

Zack: Okay, okay. I'll talk to the animal trainer and see what we can do. How's your ankle by the way?

Gerry: It feels better. I can take the wrap off just before the scene.

Zack: Okay. Now about the "shadow on the wall" scene. You think we need a prop for that?

Gerry: I  don't even understand why ye need a shadow on the wall scene in the first place!

Zack: Because all the comments cards from the female focus groups asked for more in the way of titillation. It really brings the female audiences into these kinds of movies. Apparently your fans want to see more of you.

Gerry: Ma fans always wanna see more o' me. Doesn't mean they're going to.  Showing my arse is enough!  I don't have a problem wi' that.

Zack: Well even the male focus group was pretty much in line with the "more nudity" thing.

Gerry: Where'd they round them up? The Abbey?

Zack: Come on Gerry. Lena never complains about going topless.

Gerry: It's different and ye know it.

Zack: You afraid you won't measure up?

Gerry: No!  I'm afraid I'm going ta get measured, period!

Zack: We'll splint you with a popsicle stick or get you a pump.

Gerry: (grinning) Ye're evil.

Zack: I learned it from you.

Gerry makes a face at him.


Leonidas and Gorgo are still at the little alter and Gorgo is just finishing up her vows.

Gorgo: And so Leonidas, dearest to my heart, I pledge to honor and love you and your endearing little ways, even the annoying ones. I pledge to guide you when you are lost, even when you refuse to ask for directions from passing strangers, and sooth you when you are crabby. I pledge to stay out of your way when you are re-stringing your slingshot..(touching her forehead), for the obvious reasons, ......and to comfort you when you are in pain...whether it be a battle wound or pulling splinters out of your tender bum.

Leonidas smiles indulgently at her.

Gorgo: And if they ever settle this Carpathian succession thing, I will look forward to being your Queen and helping you make judicious decisions about choosing your battles and designing your battle garb.

Gorgo: (raising her cup) I drink to you my magnificent Spartan and with these vows, I plight my troth.

Leonidas raises his cup to meet Gorgo's and just as they are about to dash the rest of the wine into the little fire pit before them, the crow, on an invisible string....flies and lands on Leonidas' right shoulder. It teeters there for a moment..... then the drugged bird falls into the fire pit.

In horror, and instinctively wanting to put the fire out, Gerry throws the liquid in his cup at the bird. The liquid, which is meant to be wine and spark the fire....only makes the fire hotter and the crow combusts as Gerry and Lena jump back to keep from being burned.

Zack: CUT CUT!

Someone from the crew uses a fire extinguisher to put out the now cooked crow, the smell of burnt feathers permeating the set.

Eyes wide, Gerry and Lena watch, as the bird trainer surveys what's left of his pet.

Zack stares dumbly at the bird.

Zack: Well so much for a sign.

Gerry: (mesmerized by the sight) I kilt the bird!  I'm cursed fer life.

Zack: It was an accident Ger. Coulda happened to anyone!

Gerry: (crestfallen) Nah. It could only happen to me. It was ma idea to drug the bird.

Zack is shaking his head and thinking, when Lena interrupts him.

Lena: Listen Zack. Couldn't you make the crow an evil omen and Leonidas killing the bird a sign that he is indeed meant to be the next King?

Zack and Gerry both look at her with surprise... than at each other.

Zack: (cogitating) Hmmmmm. You might have something there my pretty lass. (cogitating some more) Might just work. Might just work.

He gives Lena a hug.

Zack: Gorgo comes to the rescue again!

Gerry: (soulfully patting the crestfallen trainer) Ah'm sorry. Was the bird insured?

Trainer: Yeah. Hondo was my favorite, but never was good at landings though.

Zack: (going back to his monitor) Let me look at this again and see if we can use it. Everyone take ten.

Gerry, shoulders hunched, walks to the Kraft Services table to pick up another bottle of water when Frank Miller walks up and puts an arm around his shoulder.

Frank: Don't worry kid. I hate those fu cking black birds too. Wasn't your fault the dumb ass made a bad landing.

Gerry: He was drugged.

Frank: No he wasn't. We just told you he was.

Gerry: (surprised) What?

Frank: Yeah, we decided to let you think it was drugged so you wouldn't worry.

Gerry: Ye mean the fuc kin' bird coulda put my eye out after all?

Frank: Theoretically speaking.....but his beak had a thin rubber band around it.

Gerry: Oh. (his face brightening) Then I really didn't kill the thing?

Frank: Nope. Bad luck for the bird....but that's all it was.

Gerry. Well thank God fer that!

He looks over Gerry's shoulder at the trainer and winks his eye at him.


The wedding feast is in full swing and Leonidas and Gorgo, holding hands, are sitting in the center of the long tables, fondly watching everyone dance. Stelios comes up to them and asks Leonidas' permission to dance with his bride. Leonidas fondly acquiesces, kissing Gorgo's hand before letting her go with young Stelios.

Captain walks up and sits down next to him. Leonidas nods in the direction of the couples dancing.

Leonidas: She's a beauty, isn't she?

Captain: You're a lucky man, my friend.

Leonidas: In more ways than ye know.

Captain: How are things in the bedchamber department?

Leonidas: (reluctantly) Ahem.....well ah gotta tell ye ma Gorgo's a fast learner. Ah think she's startin' ta think o' some things no' even Thespacia though of, although that's hard to believe, aye?

Captain: Really?

Leonidas: (blushing) Though Gorgo's more ladylike in her approach, o'' that tarns me on even more, if ye get ma drift? (shaking his head) Ah never had it served up on such a pretty platter before.

Captain: Does that mean you're going to stop being a manwhore?

Leonidas: (surprised) Tis ma plan.

Captain: Did you two exchange the traditional gifts?

Leonidas: Perhaps no' so traditional.

Captain: What do you mean?

Leonidas: Well, instead o' the silky fabric fer a new nightdress, ah gave her a new churning apparatus fer making our favorite goat cream toppings fer desserts.

Captain: Not very romantic, is it?

Leonidas: Depends on yer definition o' dessert.

Captain: (scratching his head) What did she give you?

Leonidas: A ring. It's engraved an' everythin'.

Captain: Why aren't you wearing it?

Leonidas: Cause ah'm savin' it fer tonight. Ah'm goin' ta wear it wi ma killer skirt....just fer Gorgo.

Captain: Your killer skirt?

Leonidas: Nevermind.

Captain: Hey, I told you about my chastity belt......and thanks to you, my wife is not talking to me again.

Leonidas: (surprised) What did ah do?

Captain: Your usual. Now I'm not getting any for another week at least.

Leonidas: Oh. Well I'll be gettin' enough fer both o' us, ah hope.

Captain: I hate you!

Gorgo and Stelios return.

Stelios: You're a lucky man Leonidas. May I congratulate you both and wish you many children?
Leonidas: Tis kind o' ye Stelios, but Gorgo an' me plan on livin' a little before we start thinkin' about children.

Stelios: Won't Sparta need sons?

Leonidas: (puffing up)  Ah'm supposed ta say that line. O' course Sparta will need sons, but that's another movie.

Zack: CUT!

Disclaimer: This story is purely fictitious and takes place only in the mind of the "would be" writer.

To be continued tomorrow with Chapter 16 - The Bedchamber, the Killer Skirt and The Shadow on the Wall.

Sorry this just rambles on .....a little  like our friend.

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