Friday, August 27, 2010

The Z Report - Indigestion Central

"it takes more than one person to balance my chakras.."
The Z Report dated 3-09-08

As a follow up to last weeks report and to coincide with the upcoming release of Nim's Island in a few weeks and the Q & A session with fans from various fan sites, actor Gerard Butler agreed to do a phone interview with the Z Report and take questions from his IMDb message board known in Gerard Butler fandom as The Heart of Darkness or, simply, The Ghetto.

Trying to reach an agreement on how we would work this conversation, Mr. Butler declined to take questions directly from the fans on IMDb as he stated he was "scairet *beep* o' some o' em," but he would gladly take their submitted questions if presented by a disinterested party, in this case The Z Report's, Lacksbrevity Bore.


Mr. Butler phoned us from an undisclosed location where he says he has been hiding out and resting up for a few days after a visit to one of his physicians. He said on a previous visit to the same physician, he was mobbed by fans, necessitating a more discreet approach for his follow up visit, where he went in disguised as Johnny Knoxville with a toilet bowl stuck on his head. For a getaway, he was ushered out the back door and into a waiting garbage truck.  Declining to say what he was treated for, he said he said he was happy to be taking some "time out."

LB: Thanks for agreeing to take questions from your loyal admirers at IMDb.

GB: It's nice tae know ah have some admirers there. From some o' the things ah've heard an' read o' the place ah've thought it best no' tae dip ma toes in those waters too often. Which wirks out fine, since ah'm sae busy anymore.

(clearing his throat)
Ah got a meetin' in half an hour, sae shall we git started?

LB: Okay. Here is your first question. For some reason many of your fans are very concerned about the state of your soul, particularly since you often talk about it and have mentioned "on camera" that you are "working" on it. Some fans say your soul is beautiful, some say you don't have one, and others insist your soul resides in a more base and descriptive portion of your anatomy. Can you tell us exactly how you are working on your soul?

GB: Are ye crazy? Ye really expect me tae answer that crap oan the telephone?

Z: Well, yeah. These ARE questions from The Ghetto?

GB: Ah shoulda known what ah wis gettin' intae when ah agreed tae this eh?

Z: Your agent read the contract and you signed it.

GB: Ah knew ah shoulda put oan ma glasses an' read the fine print.

LB: You wear glasses?

GB: Ah'll naiver tell. (laughs)

(mulling it over) Well, let's see. Ma soul. Ma soul. Okay, ah think ah got it. Are we oan aire?

LB: We are now.

GB: Well ye see, ma soul is kind o' all over the place an' that's why it's visible tae all ma fans an' each sees it in a different light, depending oan where their heid is at any given time. Sometimes when ah'm havin' a tough time or ah'm wi' ma chest infections or a really bad bout o' indigestion, ma soul jumps right up intae ma eyes and makes em leuk really puffy. After all, eyes are too small tae contain the whole o' a pairson's soul without gettin' a little red too. Does that sound right?

LB: You're saying your soul is what is making your eyes puffy?

GB: Well, a pairson's soul is a powerfully beautiful thing an' ah've had troubles wi' mine all o' ma know as in "wearin' it oan ma sleeve?"

LB: I always thought it was the heart one wore on one's sleeve?

GB: Aye, well that too, but ah wear ma soul there as well. An' that's where the trouble starts when they get to fightin' wi' each other an' ah really get confused an' a blurt out some things ah shouldna say, particularly oan talk shows or when ah'm promotin' movies.

LB: I see. You're saying it's your heart and your soul in conflict with each other that makes ye say some silly things?

GB: Exactly! An' then when ma soul drops a little lower in ma body, that's when ah really get fidgety an' in need o' some seerious work in terms o' elevatin'  it a little. See that's why when ma soul is feelin' really powerful an' ah canna deal wi' it oan ma own, ah go tae the clubs tae find a way o' releasin' all that pent up soulfulness. Kis music helps, ye know? An, o' course there are always some there willin' tae help me wi' ma problem?

LB: Clubbing elevates your soul?

GB: Aye, well like ah said, the soul is a powerful, powerful thing an' mine needs lots o' taming. But when ah really need some quality intervention, that's where ma Speeritual Advisors come in tae help in ma quest. They are able tae see ma aura, ye know ma electromagnetic field that is all charged up wi' these particles o' energy all sparkin' like like an electrical storm oan acid, only in ma case it's Starbucks. (taking a breath) An' kis o' all the wild fluctuations o' ma aura, it can only be dealt wi' by balancin' ma chakras.

LB: Balancing your chakras?

GB: Aye, an' o' course sometimes it takes more than one pairson tae massage ma chakras an coax ma soul back intae higher ground, where it belongs, in tarn balancing ma Chi.

LB: Well I do understand that balancing one's Chi is important.

GB: That's right and balancing ma chi is all about the yang an' the yin. Kis every yang must have a yin....kinda like positive an' negative charges. Only ma yang is kinda strange an' sometimes takes more than one yin tae discharge, er ah mean recharge it. Well, actually both.

Ye uneerstan' what ah sayin'? It's kind o' confusin' but, in actual fact, amazin'.

LB: Oh yeah, amazing. So much soulfulness.

GB: (starts laughing) Did ah leave anythin' out?

LB: (dizzy) No, I think you covered the bases. Oh wait! How about an answer for those who say you have no soul?

GB: Hmmm. How about tellin' them tae go post oan the Ewan McGregor board. Ewan is a friend o' mine, but he's more comfortable wi' showing off his big soul than ah am! (laughs at his joke)

LB: One of our posters said that there's an old movie making adage about not working with kids or animals. After doing Nim's Island, would you say this is true, or not?

GB: (laughs) Ah'm no' sure which is warse, havin' tae wear a money belt tae pay off a kid who is blackmailing ye intae supportin' her favorite charity kis ye canna keep yer "fu_kin mouth shut er go more en two sentences without sayin' f@@K, or havin' a trained pelican crap oan yer heid several times a day when yer tryin' tae film a scene where ye have tae attach a note tae it's foot while yer boat is rockin' back n forth an' having the film crew sloshin' bucket fulls o' water all o'er ye.

LB: Sounds like the adage is true then?

GB: Well, at least Abagail wis cute an' smart, which is more en ah' kin say fer the Pelican wi' the runs. Ah'm no' real fond o' birts anyway. (laughs)

LB: You've stated you've given up both alcohol and smoking. Are you a caffeine addict? And if so, do people have the heart to ask you to cut back?

GB: Addicted to caffeine? Yeah, I guess you could say that. As fer cutting back, ah've no intention o' doin' it, though ah'm sometimes ashamed ma dog Loly runs an' hides from me until ah've had ma first cup o' coffee of the day.  But after finally givin' up smoking, no one else would dare make that request, no' even Mum. (thinking) Although someone did hint ah was goin' tae get brittle bones an' rotten teeth from all the Coca Cola ah wis drinkin' the other day. But after ah told em that they were more likely tae get a broken bone an' loose teeth if they kept tellin' me that crap, they said all the weights I lifted would probably keep ma bones strong. (laughs)   A bit o' friendly persuasion on ma pairt.

LB: Speaking of your dog, one of our posters wanted to know why you take your dog to photo shoots and what made you choose a Pug in the first place?

GB: First o' all, ah dinna take Loly oan ALL ma photoshoots.  It's only when she gives me her "please take me" look an' ah've no' the heart tae leave her. She's such a cute little thing ah canna resist her. Besides, she's the only wumman in ma life who puts up wi' all ma faults without complainin.
The Evil Twins - Gerry and Alan

As fer owning a pug, what's the matter wi' pugs? Loly is a particularly good leukin'  pug too, an' the best chick magnet ah've ever had in ma life! If Loly disna like the leuks o' a girl, she's not comin'  home wi' me, that's fer sure! Either that, er ah have tae lock her in the other room....the girl, not Loly. (laughs)

LB: She does have some very pretty coloring.

GB: Aye, that wis the first thing ah noticed too!

LB: How do you feel about some of the pictures floating around the internet where some fans have been photographed playing with and carrying on with your action dolls, and with Nim's Island coming out, how do you feel about possibly starting a new generation (of young, prepubescent fans) collecting, trading, and playing with Gerry dolls?

GB: Ah'm no' sure how tae answer that one. Ah've heard o' some o' the dark places ma "action" dolls have been an' sometimes it makes me laugh an' sometimes it gives me the creeps.  Now if ah had tae imagine prepubescent girls playing wi' ma action figures, verses some o' ma older fans playing wi' them, ah guess there is no contest as to which one would seem more normal. It's natural fer children o' both sexes tae play wi' dolls. But if ah had ma pick, ah'd raither imagine ma doll playin fans tae be between 18-25. (laughs) Whatever their age, all ah ask o' ma fans is a little respect. After all, King Leo was a heero an' deserves a heero's special care an' handlin!  No abusing him OR his swort an' no fair puttin' Queen Gorgo's dresses on him either. (laughs)

LB: Kinky!

GB: That's ma middle name!

LB: Speaking of kinky, our resident Peace Officer wants to know if you ever visit IMDb, and if you do, how you feel about the S & M threads?

GB: Resident Peach Officer you said?

LB: Peace Officer, as in Policewoman.

GB: Hmmmm. Dis that mean she gits tae wear a tight little uniform an' she has her awn handcuffs?

LB: I'm not sure how tight or little her uniform is, but she is very fond of handcuffs.

GB: Well, in that case, ye kin quote me on bein' verra fond o' Sensory Modulation persuasion an' don't mind it at all, kis God knows ah need to modulate ma response tae some of my more "out there" attacks o' sensory deprivation. An it's no' altogether satisfyin' tae do it on ma own either. Another reason tae visit the clubs some taimes too an' ah'm thinking some handcuffs might come in handy when ah'm trying tae persuade someone tae come home wi' me an' modulate the more sensitive areas o' ma yang!.

LB: (clearing her throat) You certainly know a lot about Eastern Culture these days.

GB: Well ah'm no' shuir S & M is tied intae Eastern Philosophy, but ah like tae throw everythin'
intae a bag an' mix it up a little. It makes life more interestin'. Ye should see ma apairtment. Talk about a mixed bag!  But it fits me.

LB: In what way?

GB: Ah kin go from one room tae another, dependin' oan ma mood, an' it feels like ah'm in a completely different movie. Also, when ah want tae meditate, ah just look at the colors and patterns on ma walls an' ah kin take a trip without havin' ta drop some acid, if ye know what ah mean, an' that puts me in the pairfect mind tae meditate.

(pauses ) Ma friend Elvis did a bang up job fer me, kis he knows what ah like. An',  in actual fact, he was a set designer, so he's got a flair fer the' that's me, Mr. Dramatic!

LB: So we've observed.

GB: (suspicion in his voice) What do you mean by that?

LB: That you are fond of the "grand gesture" at times.

GB: Well ah hope ye mean that in a guid way.

LB: Absolutely the best!

GB: Okay. Any more questions?

LB: Just a few more and one we get repeatedly by one of our regulars and echoed by others.

GB: Oh, oh. Should ah be scairt?

LB: Just a little.

GB: Okay.....shoot.

LB: Since you are always talking about your "big" rooster, are you going to get naked for any of your movie roles or even photo shoots anytime soon?

GB: Ye mean a full frontal?

LB: Ah ha.

GB: Fer one thing, ah dinna believe in gratuitous nudity, but ah'm assumin that sooner or later there is goin' tae be a script ah absolutely "have" tae do that is goin' to call fer it.

LB: So that is a yes?

GB: That's a maybe. Ah'll worry about it when the time comes.

LB: So there IS hope for these perverted fans that are only interested in seeing your er....."yang."

GB: (laughing) Aye! Leuk, it's one thing to talk about it an' leave the rest tae wimmin's imaginations, an' another tae put it out there an' have to hear the comments an' take the ridicule if it disna live up tae expectations. I shudder tae think o' it!

LB: You're very bad for teasing them in the first place, you know?

GB: Ah'm bad? (laughs) Yeah, that's what ma mum always says!

LB: One final question. First I want to congratulate you on the formation of your own production company Evil Twins.

GB: Thank ye vera much.

LB: How is it going to feel working with your Manager Alan in the capacity of partner, instead of employee, which in a sense, a manager is?

GB: Good question. Ah've been askin' maself that too these last few days, although Alan has always been more than a manager. He's been a good an' trusted freend too an' pretty indispensable tae the way I operate in this business. As ma manager, our fortunes have always been linked, but now more so, wi' us developin' pictures an' taking more risks. We're still workin' out some o' the particulars, but it's an excitin'  time, an' if we dinna "kill each other first," ah think we are goin' tae do quite well, being well acquainted wi' each other's strengths.

LB: Well, our time is up. Is there anything you'd like to say to yer fans at IMDb before we close the line.

GB: Aye, ah'd like to tell em that much as I appreciate some o' them being in luve wi' ma more physical assets, an' ah tend to joke aroun' a lot, ah do have a guid brain an' it disnae all reside in Alan's heid.

LB: And to your detractors?

GB: Tell em tae keep postin an' watchin ma movies so they kin pan ma actin' skill, cause ah dinna mind havin' one o' the busiest boards on IMDb.

LB: Thanks for taking the time to include our growing family here in The Ghetto in your Nim's promotion.

GB: My pleasure, an' ah really wouldna call IMDb The Ghetto.

LB: What would you call it?

GB: (laughing) How about "Indigestion Central?"

LB: Why is that?

GB: Kis ah get a pain right in the middle o' my gut when some o' ma friends kid around an' ask me if ah've been arrested fer pedophelia yet?

LB: That's not a laughing matter.

GB: Exactly ma point!

And there you have it dear readers. Another Z Report exclusive with our favorite Scot and now budding producer, Gerard "I've got a Brain too" Butler. Our thanks to Lacksbrevity for acting as our representative and stay tuned for more next week.

Signing off

Zoni with a Z (but prounounced with an S)

Disclaimer: The above interview, with the exception of question provided by some posters, is ENTIRELY FICTIONAL and took place in the mind of the writer only and is posted for entertainment purposes only.

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

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