And so the Outlandisher (plus a few changes) was born:
Gerard Butler's New Project
We have it on good authority that our favorite Scot, Gerard Butler is going to play Gerry McFraser, a variation of himself, in a movie tentatively titled....Traveling Through a Glass Darkly: Going Where the Fan LoJack Can't Find Me.
A very excited Butler met with us in the lobby of the Mercer Hotel in NYC to discuss the script he and several colleagues have purchased and are working on to bring this "larger than life" blockbuster to the big screen.
Z: What inspired you to take on this project?
GB: Well, ah wanted tae do something different an' get more involved wi' a project from the ground up instead o' just actin' in it, an' after reading this script sent tae me by George Clooney's agent, ah got together wi' George an' we decided it was somethin' we both had tae do.
Z: So Clooney was involved from the very beginning?
GB. Oh aye! He was verra excited about playin' the character o' Jack Blackrandall an' originally thought ah would be pairfect fer playing young Jamie McButler, the film's original protagonist.
Z: So who is this Gerry McFraser?
|Handsome devil, the RocknRolla Butler!|
GB: Well, we got tae thinkin' this script needed some updatin' an' we put our heids together and came up wi' some changes. Out o' these changes was born the character o' Gerry McFraser, who, in some ways, becomes the central character an' the one who challenges Jamie McButler's hold on Claire Avoyant's affections. He is a time traveler from the 21st century and she becomes interested in him cause o' all the things he kin teach her.... no' tae mention his good leuks an' gift o' gab.
Z: And is Gerry McFraser related to Jamie McButler in some way?
GB: The thing is, we're still wirkin' on that pairt o' it. He is an' he isna. We got too much traffic goin' through the mirror an' we got tae keep it manageable.
Z: Mirror? Is this the glass darkly then?
GB: (laughs) Well, after all o' the movies where ah'm runnin' up an' down hills we thought the stone ruins on high thing was a bit overused, an' wi' me bein' an antique aficionado, ah suggested we use a mirror that becomes available as pairt o' a shipment o' antiques from a Scottish castle that ma character becomes enamored wi' and purchases.
Z: A little Disneyish don't you think?
GB: Nah. This one is definitely no' yer PG rated movie. It starts out with our protagonist, Gerry McFraser in his New York apartment gettin' dressed tae attend a fund raiser called Dressed to Kilt. He leuks in his new mirror and becomes a little a disoriented when, instead o' his own reflection leuking back at him, he actually sees a tall 18th century Scottish Highlander wi' red hair an' sparkly blue eyes named Jamie McButler starin' back at him. That's when ma character Gerry McFraser gets sucked back intae 18th century Scotland.
Z: That sounds interesting. So Gerry McFraser is in traditional Scottish dress when he travels back in time?
GB: Aye, sorta.. Ye see he's got the kilt on, but he's wearin' a floral shirt and still has his white tennis shoes on, since he's no' had time tae change into his boots yet, so no, it's no' quite the traditional Scottish dress o' the period.
Z: (laughing) A different look for sure. How does he manage?
GB: (laughing too) He makes a fashion statement, dinna ye think? Actually a shoemaker offers him some heavy quid fer his shoes, so he can figure out how they're made, an' he finally gets a fine pair o' tight, ill fittin' boots in exchange from the same shoemaker. The boots make him walk funny.
Z: Don't tell me! Mel Brooks is directing this?
GB: Nah, George wants tae do it. He's likin' the political undertones o' the whole Jacobite thing. He feels it will have some resonance tae present day politics in America, only I'm no' sure how. But frankly ah think he's also really relishing bein' a really baaaad dude in a movie too.
Z: And how bad is Blackrandall in this?
GB: As bad as they come! Ye see, this Jaime McButler dude talks me, Gerry McFraser, into takin' his place fer a while, as he's tiret as hell o' gettin' all beat up an' bein' saved by a wumman all the time.
(Butler pauses and smiles) See it's a wumman wrote the script in the first place, an' her version o' the guy is really appealin' tae her audience, which is wimmin after all, cause there is no f-uckin' way a guy would really act like this, brave Scottish lad or no'! An', tae be honest, being a time traveler herself, this Claire is a little too complacent. Ah canna think o' any o' the wimmin ah know wouldna immediately be grossed out over not havin' a proper loo or goin' fer days without combin' her hair, not tae mention dealin' with all the mice and bed lice as easily as this Claire Avoyant adapted tae 18th century Scotland, even if she was a trooper! Come on now!
Anyway, ah'm strayin' from the storrie. This Highlander Jamie guy is ready fer a change, so after takin' oan ma persona ....
Z: Which is?
GB: Oh, did ah ferget tae mention Gerry McFraser is an actor?
Z: Art imitates life?
GB: Yeah, I like that line! (Butler laughs, rubbing his hands together devilishly).
Anyway, back tae the storrie..... Jamie McButler joins a traveling band o' entertainers tae get away from Jack Blackrandall, no' tellin' Gerry McFraser what lies in store fer him at the hands o' the evil Blackrandall. But by this time Gerry has fallen for' the fair Claire after she tell's him she has a cure fer his dropfoot an' his naggin' indigestion. But Claire's real chairms lie in her bedroom skills an' the fact that, bein' from the 20th century, she has never heard o' the Dirty Sanchez. McFraser is luvin' havin' some new things tae impress her with!
Z: So it is Claire that keeps Gerry McFraser from wanting to return to his own time?
GB: Aye! That an' the fact that there are no stalkin' fans an' no noisy papparazzi watchin' his every move. He's decided this adventure might be a vacation o' sorts, despite some o' the discomforts an' he's also thinkin' this return tae some o' his roots might teach him somethin' he's never goin' tae get in acting class when he goes back tae his own time.
Z: Hmmm. That's very interesting.
GB: (excited) Isn't it? Ah thought so too!
Z: So where does Blackrandall come into the story?
GB: Well it seems like Blackrandall is an arse man an' he decides if he canna have McButler's, he will settle for McFraser's. Bein' a verra canny fellow, Gerry McFraser learns that Blackrandall's Achilles heel is that he gets tarned oan by dirty jokes. In the end, this is what saves Gerry McFraser from a fate worse than death after a verra bad bout o' the runs from drinkin' the local water.
Z: How does that come about?
GB: See, Gerry McFraser has a heid full o' dirty jokes. While chained tae the dungeon wall wi' Blackrandall leering at him, he starts tellin' one joke after another. What wi' Blackrandall fallin' under his spell, every time he finishes one, he thinks he's going to get some arse, an' McFraser just starts another one.
Z: Yes but how long can McFraser keep it up?
GB: Well 72 seconds is the record. (laughs self deprecatingly) Oh, ye mean the stories?
Z: Yes. If Jack Blackrandall is such a bad dude, he'll eventually want a pay off at the end.
GB: Well, see this is where ah'm telling George that the 21st knowledge really comes in handy.
Z: That makes sense. In what form?
GB: Well, ah never leave home wi'out ma Ambian an' in the script there is this big oaf of a mental deficient type that helps Blackrandall. When Jack goes to piss an' get a whiff o' fresh air, his lacky comes in tae keep an' eye on me an' me being a fast talkin' dude, ah promise the fellow a year's supply o' certificates to Burger King, for all the hamburgers he can eat an' a pass tae ma next premiere if he will drop an Ambien ah was carryin' in ma sporran in Blackrandall's ale.
Z: And he buys that?
GB: No, he tells me his brother was a pig farmer and he already had plenty o' ham. But ah had tae try it.
What actually saves me is an incident from ma past in which, after a fiasco night out at a Club which involved me dropping a lighter thrown tae me by a chick in front o' the paparazzi, ah became obsessed wi' playing catch an' made ma P/A practice wi' me constantly until ah became an expert. This practice came in handy because ah was able tae get close enough tae the table an' lob the Ambien in his ale wi ma guid hand, the other one bein' the victim o' bad Jack Blackrandall's mallet.
Z: And you were able to escape when he fell asleep?
GB: Nah, ah wia rescued by some dude named McRunny an' his men, but in the end the only thing ma arse was sore from was the runs, as Blackrandall fell asleep in the middle o' one o' ma jokes while layin' on top o' me before getting tae the main course.
Z: So are you reunited with the fair Claire?
GB: Well, temporarily, fer her tae fix ma hand because even though she likes me, she isna fond o' ma snoring, an' keeps tellin' me to either grow a beard or shave off the scruff. She also claims ah got a few stone on Jamie McButler an' ah should lose a few pounds...as she likes em long an' lean.
Z: And how do you feel about that ?
GB: Well, one o' the reasons ah've never married is cause ah hate anyone tellin' me what tae do an' canna take the naggin', so ah set out tae find Jamie McButler an' reunite him wi' Claire before I try tae go back through the mirror tae ma own time tae report fer my next movie.
Z: An' do ye find McButler?
GB: Aye. He's tone deaf, so he was a bust wi the actin' gig an' after learning that Claire was missing him, he decides tae return on his own.
Z: And are you then able to return to your own time.
GB: Aye, but it takes several attempts, after me tryin' tae take one o' the little chamber maids with me an' running into problems, but we're still wirkin' oan that part o' the script.
Z: But you do finally get back?
GB: Aye, but due tae all the sun an' the time travelin' ah've aged a bit an' ma fans start noticing an' they start talking about other pretty boys an' "the good auld days."
Z: And that is the end of the story?
GB: No' quite. Ye see, I get addicted tae bein' able tae disappear for weeks at a time, so every time I get tired o' the paparazzi an' the fan's bitchin', I take a trip through ma mirror.
So when they ask, "Where's Gerry?" (Butler smiles mysteriously)
Z: Are we still talking about the movie now?
GB: (laughing heartily) O' course. What do ye think?
Z: So when can we expect this to hit the theaters?
GB: This is only one o' the adventures o' Gerry McFraser an' Jamie McButler et al, an' I'm thinkin' we are goin' tae be filmin' a few o' them at once, while we have the budget. A trilogy mebbe?
Z: Wow. I shall look forward to it. Will you keep us posted here at the Z Report?
GB: In exchange fer a plug fer ma next movie, aye.
Our interview ended on that note, a happy Butler answering a phone call, which turned out to be the suave Clooney.
GB: Yeah, yeah, George. Auntie Kathleen only wants a small walk on pairt. She is Scottish, after all.... an' besides, I promised her!
We smiled as we watched him walk away.
Zoni with a Z (but pronounced like an S)
Disclaimer: This story only takes place in the twilight zone of the writer's mind somewhere in LA LA Land and only bears a slight resemblance to anyone real.
We at the Z Report highly recommend you see Guy Ritchie's RockNRolla when it hits theaters in September-October 2008.