Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Outlandisher - Chap. 4 -The Bargain

 August 10th, 2008

Chap. 4
The Bargain

Just when he thought things were looking  up Gerry McButler gets hit with another piece of information that shocks him. No condoms! How could that be? Such an essential in his mind.

(Shaking his head in disbelief and talking to himself.)

GMcB: Wi' so many sheep runnin' around the place ye woulda thought someone woulda had the sense tae make better use o' the guts, besides makin' sausage casings. As a matter o' fact, ye'da thought the sausages woulda been a clue!

Jamie McFraser was watching him like one demented. Well he could hardly wait for the next revelation to be disclosed to him by this dude who "cep fer the red hair an' being younger", bore an uncanny resemblance tae him.

McFraser: Are ye getting hungry, wi all this talk o' sausages?

GMcB: 'Twas another appetite ah was thinkin' o',  mate.

McFraser: If ye'll kindly stop talkin' fer a minute, do ye think I could present my proposition to ye?

GMcB: Well bein' as that f-uckin' mirror is leukin' like a one way ticket at the moment, ah'm not sure ah've much of a choice.

McFraser: Ah. A reasonable man!

GMcB: Ye might no' think so fer long, but let's hear what's on yer mind,  cause from what ah've seen so far, the 18th century, even in Scotland, has little tae recommend it an' ah've not even asked if ye've heard o' coffee yet, much less Starbucks.

Without giving McFraser a chance to answer....he continues.

GMcB: ....On the bright side, this may be ma chance tae knock off a few pounds wi'out much effort so maybe ah' kin do wi'out a few things fer a while, although ah'm not  goin' to make a habit o' it. Besides....

Jamie interrupts his tirade.

McFraser: Are ye in the habit o' talking to yerself all the time or is it just my presence that brings it out in ye?

GMcB: Dinna take it pairsonally. Ah've a tendency tae think out loud when ah'm tryin' tae decide stuff.
Now what's this proposition ye got fer me?

McFraser: Weel, it goes like this. I find myself in dire need o' disappearing for a while. Run away from it all..... Call it a vacation, if ye will.

GMcB: Well sure.  Everyone needs a vacation now an' then.   Ah know the feelin'. It seems ah've always either got some crazy fangirls stalkin' me or the f_uckin' paparazzi chasin' me almost every day anymore.

Having no idea what McButler is talkin' about, Jamie decides to humor him.

McFraser: Yes, weel then ye'll understand my wanting to get away from a crazy English captain who wants my arse, an' a wife who thinks she knows everything about everything.

Now it's McButler's turn to roll his eyes.

GMcB: Tell me about it! I've known a few o' those in my day.

Not sure whether McButler is talking about the captain or "know it all women," he continues.

McFraser: See, I'm thinking wi ye bein' older an' all, an' from the 21st century, there are many things you could teach her that I canna.

GMcB: (pleased at this) Well, ah WAS a lawyer once upon a time!

McFraser: Even more impressive. See...I know this can work. She's going to love ye!

Jamie looks down at Gerry's feet.

McFraser: Except for those shoes an' stockings o' yers.

GMcB: (annoyed) What IS it wi' people an' ma shoes?

McFraser: (taking it seriously) Fer one thing, they're no' going to be white fer verra long. Not wi the rain an' mud an' all......

He pauses.

McFraser: An' fer another....they're funny lookin' wi those little black stockings........ Ye need a proper pair and ye'd best get yerself to a boot maker first chance ye get!

GMcB: As long as they dinna pinch, cause ah got very tender feet!

McFraser: (sarcastically) Well if they do, ah'm sure Sassy Hack will ha something in her arsnal o' remedies fer that too!

GMcB: Speaking o' which....Ye got a photo of this wife o' yers?   Ah' mean ah'm not a shallow man, but.... Oh hell! Yes ah am! Is this Sassy o' yers pretty? See even though ah'm a dog, ah'm no intae dogs, cep fer ma Noly?

McFraser: Oh, aye! ....Sassy Hack is as pretty as they come. She's verra sexy an' knows her way around the bedroom too! .........As a matter o' fact, she's the one taught me everythin' ah know about sex.

A big smile breaks out on Gerry's face.

GMcB: This may tarn out tae be time well spent, although ah'm no slouch in the bedroom maself!

Having another thought.

GMcB: ......But are ye sure she is going' tae go fer this thing? Sounds kinda kinky tae me.

McFraser: I'm not exactly going to tell her or she'll come after me an' try tae save my arse again......

Jamie becomes pensive.' ye know there's only so much o' that rescuing a fellow can take wi'out losing his balls.

McButler shakes his head, agreeing with him as McFraser continues.

McFraser: Let's just say this little vacation is my way to restore them to their proper place in the scheme o'' ye look like just the proper fellow tae keep her amused before ye move on to yer! Besides, ye'll need her tae teach ye what's what around here. Speaking o' teaching, do ye know how to use a sword? It would be......helpful.

GMcB: (smiling broadly) Ah'm a fellow o' many talents. Ah've been known fer some fancy sword work in my time. (cogitating now) Have ye though o' where yer goin'? Ah mean, in case ah gat tae contact ye if a get intae trouble?

McFraser: (grinning) I been thinking about that, an' wi all this talk about acting and singing and girls chasing ye've been telling me sounds like anyone wi' a bit o' looks can do it....So ah think I'll join a travelin' troop o' entertainers and let me scruff grow like yers.

GMcB: (frowning and a little jealous) Well it's no' so easy as it sounds an' ye do need some skills.....but ah suppose a strappin' young guy like ye might manage tae do okay.

Having settled it, Jamie McFraser stands up.

GMcB: Say, is there anythin' else ah should know before ye go?

McFraser: Nah, ye'll figure it out. Ye look like an enterprisin' fellow an' this might toughen up that hairless arse an' tender feet o' yers.

He starts laughing.

McFraser: By the way, be sure to look out fer the pox if ye're in the habit o' frequenting the whore houses. Sassy is a jealous lass though, so her cure might be worse than the pox if she takes a fancy tae ye!

Butler smiles.

GMcB: Ah like em a little wild an' from the sound o' yer Sassy Hack, perhaps ah'm not goin' tae have much use fer those kinds o' places. Especially wi'out protection!

McFraser: Well if it's protection ye're worrying about, ye might want tae look up ma kinsman Marty McMurtaugh!

Jamie extends his hand to McButler.

McFraser: Good luck an' ye're welcome to use ma clothes, such as they are.

GMcB: That's mighty nice o' ye!

McFraser: (looking at Gerry one last time) Perhaps Sassy will let that kilt ye're wearing out fer ye. It looks a wee bit snug around the hips.

Seeing Butler's frown, he smiles pleasantly.

McFraser: Never mind! It's sure to fit ye in a day or two anyway.

The sound of Jamie McFraser's departing laughter echoes in Gerry McButler's ears long after the redhead is gone, only to be replaced with a mighty rumbling in his gut. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction that exists only in the twilight zone of the writer's mind. Any and all resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

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