Saturday, September 18, 2010

The Outlandisher - Chap. 2 Through a Glass Darkly

August 8th, 2008

Chap. 2
Through a Glass Darkly

They say that travel broadens one's horizons, but upon awakening on his stomach from what seemed a fitful sleep, Gerramy McButler thought this was carrying the adage a bit too far for his taste. Disoriented and dizzy, he thought perhaps he was having a dream within a dream, as so often happens when you think you've awakened yourself, but you are actually only dreaming you have awakened. Reaching out for something solid to help him get up off the floor, his hands wrap around a somewhat familiar object and raising his head, he looks at his reflection in the mirror.

Suddenly remembering he had tripped and hit his head, he sits up and starts feeling for a sore spot on his scalp. Not finding one, he looks into the mirror again. The reflection of his surroundings is not familiar, but a semi dark room lit only by candles. Feeling the cold stone floor underneath him, he again starts to think he must be dreaming.

McB: (crossly speaking aloud) What the *beep* is goin' on here? Damn if ah've no' made one too many movies in a row an' canna make sense o' where I am again?

Finally bringing himself to stand up and look around, the only familiar thing in this dream within a dream is the ornate mirror. Looking at himself, he is still wearing the kilt with his floral shirt and white tennis shoes. 

Ye're kiddin' me, of course?

GMcB: Weel, at least ah'm still me, ah think. (looking around again) But where the fuckin' De'il am I?

A deep voice behind him replies.

Voice: Ye're in hell, that's where ye are!

Startled, McButler turns around to see the tall, lanky, red headed Scotsman he had seen in this same mirror and had started this whole "whatever it was" that was shaping itself into one big nightmare .....slouching on a wooden bench in the corner of the room.

GMcB: Ye startled me mate! An' just whom might ye be?

Voice: I be one Jamie Lee McFraser.

Trying to put a good face on his fright, McButler steps closer to get a better look.

GMcB: Aye, a fellow Scot ah see. (scratching his head) Would ye mind tellin' me whether ah'm in yer dream or whether ye're  in mine? Ah'm a bit confused here.

McFraser: Aye, ye'll be wishing ye were dreamin' fairly soon, I'll wager.

GMcB: (starting to get more nervous) If ah'm not  dreamin' would ye care tae tell me exactly where ah am, mate?

McFraser: How does 18th century Scotland sound tae ye?

GMcB: (surprised, but trying to maintain his cool) Like a movie ah once made? (sobering) Ye're  kiddin' me o' course?

McFraser: A movie? What the hell is a movie? Ye're beginning tae sound like my loopy wife Sassy Hack.

GMcB:(confused) Yer wife's name is Sassy Hack? Ah thought ye said yer name was McFraser?

McFraser: Actually her name is Claire Avoyant, but I call her Sassy Hack. She's a healer and she can be as sassy as they come too.

GMcB: Ye mean she's a real doctor, or maybe a bit like Madonna, who goes aroun' stickin' needles in people's arses?

McFraser: Well, I guess some would call her madonna, but not me. Sassy Hack is pretty good at sewin' people up, though. Matter of fact, she's patched me up a couple of times, which comes in handy around these parts.

Looking McFraser over.

GMcB: Say, has anyone ever told ye ye leuk a bit like me, cep fer the long red hair?

McFraser: (surprised) Why the hell would they tell me I look like ye? Ah'm only 23 an' ye look to be a wee bit older. Who are ye, by the way?

GMcB: (disturbed) Okay, enough wi' the old crap! Ah've had ma fill of it. (looking up) Ye mean ye dinna recognize me? Ah'm Gerramy McButler, the famous actor. Gerry tae ma friends, though.

McFraser: (surprised) Ye're an actor? Are ye wi' a traveling troop?

GMcB: (even more surprised) Ye mean ye never heard o' me? Crap!  Ah thought by now ah'd be more o' a household name wi' ma name in the Scottish press sae often.  Especially after 300.  Guess ah'll have tae wait until RockNRolla comes out. That aught to do it.

McFraser: What are ye blatherin' on about, man?

GMcB: Okay, now ah'm sure this is a nightmare! How the hell did ah get here?

McFraser: Ye popped out through that mirror wi a big thud like a bolt o' lightning hittin' the roof.

GMcB: (rubbing his face vigorously) Oh Gude, please tell me ah've not gone round the bend from tryin' tae fit in so many movies.   Auntie Kathleen warned  me this would happen if ah dinna slow down a bit, bein' as ah was kinda loopy tae begin with.

McFraser: See, I told ye you and Sassy had something in common. We need tae talk a bit Gerry McButler. I think we both need a little vacation from our surroundings and I've got a proposition to make ye ye're no' going ta want to refuse.

Jamie puts his hands on the hilt of his sword.

GMcB: (squinting)  Okay, is this yer way o' makin' a pitch fer a script?   Or are ye a director wi' a great imagination? (frowning) Alan says he's got tae be in on any o' these pitches cause Evil Twins is going tae be very particular about what we take on. Now this thing, whatever it is, is very clever, but it's not goin' tae fly!

McFraser: Pitches? Evil twins?

Jamie L. McFraser rolls his eyes and standing up, pours McButler a drink.

McFraser:  Come my friend. I haven't the slightest notion what ye're talking about, but I think ye need a drink.  Badly!

GMcF: (brightening a little) Do ye happen tae have a Coke handy? 

Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction that exists only in the twilight zone of the writer's mind. Any and all resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

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