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| Ah'm never livin' this down! |
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - NEXT AFTERNOON
Gerry walks out of his trailer banging the door on Alan, who follows him, pleading.
Alan: Look, how was I supposed to know you'd be pissed at my going on the show. I was clearly trying to undo the damage from the Enquirer piece. Didn't you watch the show?
Gerry: (angry) Oh I watched the show alright. What was that crack about "Gerry's never been very comfortable with his body before?" Sounds like you were just confirming I ran out ta get it fixed so I would be more comfortable. How does that qualify as damage control?
Alan: Well I was just quoting you. Besides, how else was I supposed to follow up Frank's statement that you did seem obsessed with your body these days, hah? Please tell me that? I just wanted to show that after 300 you have become more comfortable with yourself.
Gerry: That's not what you said. You said "before" as in before and after. You implied it.
Alan: That's just ridiculous. I even had them put a blow up of the photo on the screen so they could see what I was talking about. I told them it was just a costume and you thrusting your pelvis was just to show the folly of it.
Gerry: Yeah, that really cinched it. I'm officially "pervert of the year" according to the callers on the show.
Alan: Now that's not fair. Those were in the minority. Most of the female callers were very kind to you. Some were even fans.
Gerry: Yeah, just like the lady who said I looked like the new battering ram for the L.A. Police Department drug unit?
Alan starts laughing and Gerry gives him a dirty look.
Gerry: And Frank. What possessed him to go on the show? He thinks these talk shows are a waste.
Alan: Look. I had no control over Miller. You have to admit he came off as pretty funny when he replied "Well if they'd sent the Spartans in in the first place, they wouldn't need a battering ram." I think he's starting to believe all this Spartan shit!
Gerry: (sarcastically) And you just had ta follow that tidbit up with "Well if you'd seen him in Mrs. Brown, being a Spartan has really improved Gerry's physique." Ping. Up goes the Mrs. Brown photos.
(straightening his braid) No one even had the decency ta mention the water on the godforsaken Isle of White was cold. Talk about a before and after shot. Not ta mention that wig looks like someone killed a muskrat and stuck it on ma head. I've spent years tryin' ta forget that movie! Now this! I'm never livin' this down.
Gerry pours himself a glass of O.J. from Kraft Services table. He whirls back to Alan.
Gerry: AAAND I suppose neither of you Neanderthals could bother to mention ma name is Gerard, not Gerald.
He whips his cape around, spilling orange juice on the floor.
Gerry: (exasperated) I've made six movies in two years and they still can't get my name right.
Alan: Didn't you see me holding up the paper that said "GERARD" all through the interview?
Gerry: (getting in Alan's face) IT WAS UPSIDE DOWN!
Alan: Oh? No wonder King kept putting his head to the side and doing contortions. I thought the old guy had a kink in his neck.
Gerry: Very funny. I've got to get to set. We aren't finished with this yet. I've a mind ta can yer as$. And I didn't appreciate you tarning off your phone last night. I wonder why that was?
Alan: You gotta ask?
Gerry: Fu ckhead!
Gerry storms off.
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO - LATER
Leonidas is sitting on a stone, holding his head in his hands, when he is approached by Captain.
Captain: Are you feeling any better, dear friend? You really tied one on last night.
Leonidas: (looking up) You don't look any warse for wear. I hate you. Ah feel like I've been tortured by the Carptathians.
Captain: Who the hell are the Carpathians?
Leonidas: Hell if I know. That name just seems ta be poppin' up in ma mind fer some reason.
(squinting his eyes)
Tell me, did what I remember happenin' last night really happen?
Captain: Which incident are you talking about Leonidas?
Leonidas: Ya mean there was more than one? I thought I might've been dreaming the second one.
Captain: Sorry. It was your bachelor party after all. Gorgo has got to forgive you.
Leonidas: How do I explain Namibiala joining up with a troop of Persian dancing girls? I could barely believe it maself when I saw her. I didn't recognize her without one of her signature wigs. Ma first impulse was ta run the the other way, but.....well ya know she is a formidable woman.
Captain: That she is. Hard to resist her when she crooks her little finger. And that sensuous black as molasses skin with those light eyes are so striking.
Leonidas: (confused) Did I sleep with her or did you?
Captain: Not me. I admire from afar. Sofia makes me wear a chastity belt underneath my codpiece and she keeps the key around her neck.
Leonidas: (incredulous) Since when?
Captain: (shrugging) Since I started to hang out with you. You know, the manwhore thing? She's afraid it will rub off by association.
Leonidas: Ya poor man. I had no idea.
Captain: Yeah, well you'd better watch out. Gorgo was asking her about it the other day.
Leonidas: Sweet Gorgo?
Captain: She wasn't so sweet last night. Talk about Wrath of the Gods!
Leonidas: She is a Goddess sometimes, isn't she?
Captain: Last night she was more like the Gorgon Medusa, if you ask me.
Leonidas: (gingerly) That would be when she came upon Namibiala and me and the other shapely lass called Rhodesia?
Captain: That would be the one!
Leonidas: Och. I'm startin' ta remember now. It seemed like a good idea at the time. After they raffled off my codpiece, everything started to go downhill from there. Though "in actual fact" it was really the other direction things were goin' in, if ya know what I mean?
Captain: I know exactly what you mean.
Leonidas: (touching his head) That rascal Stelios kept refillin' ma glass. Where is he this morning, by the way?
Captain: Last time I saw him he had three of em on his arm and heading towards the copse. Haven't seen him since.
Leonidas: Ah, ta be 22 again and pull an all nighter! (pondering) Where is Gorgo now?
Captain: Last time I saw her she was standing at the well talking to her mother's remains.
Leonidas: Oh, oh. That doesn't sound promisin'. (brightening) She was magnificent in her fury last night though. You must admit.
Captain: Yes. Namibiala's got two heads on her, and Rhodesia's another tall and lanky one, but when Gorgo whipped that sword out of my scabbard, you should have seen them take off. She took a slice off Namibiala's hair, so it's a good thing she loves those wigs cause she's going to need them for a while.
Leonidas: Yes, seeing that sword in her hand was like a cold shower on MY sword, fer sure. Talk about takin' the fun outta life!
Captain: It's a good thing for you she threw it down and ran out of there or you might have been joining a harem yourself.
Leonidas: I vaguely remember following her, but she was mighty angry and crying. I reached inside my cape to give her a handkerchief but that wasn't such a good idea, since it turned out to be a purple thong with the initials NC on them.
Captain: Is that when she put it over your head and hit you with the broom?
Leonidas: Yep. Feel the egg on the back of ma head. I don't know what's making it hurt worse, that or the wine Stelios kept feeding me. Not to mention I had to go back and try to retreive my codpiece from one very angry woman who was wearin' it as a headpiece.
(shudders) What a night! (grinning devilishly) But what a night!
Zack: CUT!
A gaffer approaches Zack.
Gaffer: Zack. There's been an accident. Frank Miller came in to go over some dialogue changes with you, and he slipped on some sticky stuff someone spilled over by the Kraft Services table. I think he might have broken his other hip.
Zack: Oh lordy!
The light goes on in Gerry's mind and we see a sudden dread come over his face.
Gerry: Shit!
As Zack goes off to check on Miller, Gerry rushes off to his trailer, his cape and braid flying furiously behind him.
Disclaimer: This story takes place in the deluded mind of the writer and is totally fictitious.
Gerry walks out of his trailer banging the door on Alan, who follows him, pleading.
Alan: Look, how was I supposed to know you'd be pissed at my going on the show. I was clearly trying to undo the damage from the Enquirer piece. Didn't you watch the show?
Gerry: (angry) Oh I watched the show alright. What was that crack about "Gerry's never been very comfortable with his body before?" Sounds like you were just confirming I ran out ta get it fixed so I would be more comfortable. How does that qualify as damage control?
Alan: Well I was just quoting you. Besides, how else was I supposed to follow up Frank's statement that you did seem obsessed with your body these days, hah? Please tell me that? I just wanted to show that after 300 you have become more comfortable with yourself.
Gerry: That's not what you said. You said "before" as in before and after. You implied it.
Alan: That's just ridiculous. I even had them put a blow up of the photo on the screen so they could see what I was talking about. I told them it was just a costume and you thrusting your pelvis was just to show the folly of it.
Gerry: Yeah, that really cinched it. I'm officially "pervert of the year" according to the callers on the show.
Alan: Now that's not fair. Those were in the minority. Most of the female callers were very kind to you. Some were even fans.
Gerry: Yeah, just like the lady who said I looked like the new battering ram for the L.A. Police Department drug unit?
Alan starts laughing and Gerry gives him a dirty look.
Gerry: And Frank. What possessed him to go on the show? He thinks these talk shows are a waste.
Alan: Look. I had no control over Miller. You have to admit he came off as pretty funny when he replied "Well if they'd sent the Spartans in in the first place, they wouldn't need a battering ram." I think he's starting to believe all this Spartan shit!
Gerry: (sarcastically) And you just had ta follow that tidbit up with "Well if you'd seen him in Mrs. Brown, being a Spartan has really improved Gerry's physique." Ping. Up goes the Mrs. Brown photos.
(straightening his braid) No one even had the decency ta mention the water on the godforsaken Isle of White was cold. Talk about a before and after shot. Not ta mention that wig looks like someone killed a muskrat and stuck it on ma head. I've spent years tryin' ta forget that movie! Now this! I'm never livin' this down.
Gerry pours himself a glass of O.J. from Kraft Services table. He whirls back to Alan.
Gerry: AAAND I suppose neither of you Neanderthals could bother to mention ma name is Gerard, not Gerald.
He whips his cape around, spilling orange juice on the floor.
Gerry: (exasperated) I've made six movies in two years and they still can't get my name right.
Alan: Didn't you see me holding up the paper that said "GERARD" all through the interview?
Gerry: (getting in Alan's face) IT WAS UPSIDE DOWN!
Alan: Oh? No wonder King kept putting his head to the side and doing contortions. I thought the old guy had a kink in his neck.
Gerry: Very funny. I've got to get to set. We aren't finished with this yet. I've a mind ta can yer as$. And I didn't appreciate you tarning off your phone last night. I wonder why that was?
Alan: You gotta ask?
Gerry: Fu ckhead!
Gerry storms off.
INT. 300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO - LATER
Leonidas is sitting on a stone, holding his head in his hands, when he is approached by Captain.
Captain: Are you feeling any better, dear friend? You really tied one on last night.
Leonidas: (looking up) You don't look any warse for wear. I hate you. Ah feel like I've been tortured by the Carptathians.
Captain: Who the hell are the Carpathians?
Leonidas: Hell if I know. That name just seems ta be poppin' up in ma mind fer some reason.
(squinting his eyes)
Tell me, did what I remember happenin' last night really happen?
Captain: Which incident are you talking about Leonidas?
Leonidas: Ya mean there was more than one? I thought I might've been dreaming the second one.
Captain: Sorry. It was your bachelor party after all. Gorgo has got to forgive you.
Leonidas: How do I explain Namibiala joining up with a troop of Persian dancing girls? I could barely believe it maself when I saw her. I didn't recognize her without one of her signature wigs. Ma first impulse was ta run the the other way, but.....well ya know she is a formidable woman.
Captain: That she is. Hard to resist her when she crooks her little finger. And that sensuous black as molasses skin with those light eyes are so striking.
Leonidas: (confused) Did I sleep with her or did you?
Captain: Not me. I admire from afar. Sofia makes me wear a chastity belt underneath my codpiece and she keeps the key around her neck.
Leonidas: (incredulous) Since when?
Captain: (shrugging) Since I started to hang out with you. You know, the manwhore thing? She's afraid it will rub off by association.
Leonidas: Ya poor man. I had no idea.
Captain: Yeah, well you'd better watch out. Gorgo was asking her about it the other day.
Leonidas: Sweet Gorgo?
Captain: She wasn't so sweet last night. Talk about Wrath of the Gods!
Leonidas: She is a Goddess sometimes, isn't she?
Captain: Last night she was more like the Gorgon Medusa, if you ask me.
Leonidas: (gingerly) That would be when she came upon Namibiala and me and the other shapely lass called Rhodesia?
Captain: That would be the one!
Leonidas: Och. I'm startin' ta remember now. It seemed like a good idea at the time. After they raffled off my codpiece, everything started to go downhill from there. Though "in actual fact" it was really the other direction things were goin' in, if ya know what I mean?
Captain: I know exactly what you mean.
Leonidas: (touching his head) That rascal Stelios kept refillin' ma glass. Where is he this morning, by the way?
Captain: Last time I saw him he had three of em on his arm and heading towards the copse. Haven't seen him since.
Leonidas: Ah, ta be 22 again and pull an all nighter! (pondering) Where is Gorgo now?
Captain: Last time I saw her she was standing at the well talking to her mother's remains.
Leonidas: Oh, oh. That doesn't sound promisin'. (brightening) She was magnificent in her fury last night though. You must admit.
Captain: Yes. Namibiala's got two heads on her, and Rhodesia's another tall and lanky one, but when Gorgo whipped that sword out of my scabbard, you should have seen them take off. She took a slice off Namibiala's hair, so it's a good thing she loves those wigs cause she's going to need them for a while.
Leonidas: Yes, seeing that sword in her hand was like a cold shower on MY sword, fer sure. Talk about takin' the fun outta life!
Captain: It's a good thing for you she threw it down and ran out of there or you might have been joining a harem yourself.
Leonidas: I vaguely remember following her, but she was mighty angry and crying. I reached inside my cape to give her a handkerchief but that wasn't such a good idea, since it turned out to be a purple thong with the initials NC on them.
Captain: Is that when she put it over your head and hit you with the broom?
Leonidas: Yep. Feel the egg on the back of ma head. I don't know what's making it hurt worse, that or the wine Stelios kept feeding me. Not to mention I had to go back and try to retreive my codpiece from one very angry woman who was wearin' it as a headpiece.
(shudders) What a night! (grinning devilishly) But what a night!
Zack: CUT!
A gaffer approaches Zack.
Gaffer: Zack. There's been an accident. Frank Miller came in to go over some dialogue changes with you, and he slipped on some sticky stuff someone spilled over by the Kraft Services table. I think he might have broken his other hip.
Zack: Oh lordy!
The light goes on in Gerry's mind and we see a sudden dread come over his face.
Gerry: Shit!
As Zack goes off to check on Miller, Gerry rushes off to his trailer, his cape and braid flying furiously behind him.
Disclaimer: This story takes place in the deluded mind of the writer and is totally fictitious.
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