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| The Bachelor Party |
INT. 300 PREQUEL SET: DATING GORGO - MORNING
Gerry walks on to the set, one sandal untied, his braid out of kilter on his head and his eyes at half-mast, a crestfallen air about him.
He runs into Zack, who is drinking vegetable juice and going over the storyboards for the day.
Zack: Geeze Ger, you look terrible this morning. Couldn't sleep again, eh?
Gerry: (defensive) Whatta ye think? Since I made the Enquirer my phone hasn't stopped ringing. Everyone else has picked up the story and it's spreading like wildfire. (yawning) Even ma Mum called me this morning wantin' ta know if it's true? Ma Mum! Says Auntie Kathleen saw it first and called her up ta ask her if it was true. Ye know it's bad when even yer own Mum is startin' ta believe this crap!
Zack: Come on Ger. It can't be that bad. It's a gossip rag. Nobody will believe it!
Gerry: I don't know. Larry King called me last night ta see if I wanted ta come on air tonight and talk about my procedure. Said I would be doing a public service for all men who needed help in this delicate area and it would be palatable coming from the great Leonidas. I told him it wasn't true and I thought he believed me, but before he hangs up he lowers his voice and asks me if I thought it would work for someone his age.
Gerry drops his head in his hands then looks up again.
Gerry: Me! Tripod! Do you know how that feels? (sighing) I think it's all coming back to haunt me now. All those "I'm an amazing fu ck" moments! My meditation coach says it's Karma. And the funny thing is, I was just being cute. That's what I get fer believin' my own publicity.
He brightens up a little.
Gerry: On the plus side, I've had several ladies from my past who wanted never to see me again wanting ta take the "new me" out for a test drive.
Zack: Well that doesn't sound so bad. Are you going to take legal action against the rags?
Gerry: Hell no! I'm not going ta give em credibility by addressing it. My publicist is going ta put out a few blurbs from ma friends making a joke about the "codpiece" incident. I think that's probably the best way to handle it. He may call you for a quote.
Zack: Well I'll be glad to help, buddy. I fired the guy who took it, although he swears he didn't have time to make copies before he gave you the film.
Gerry: (shrugging) Oh well, at least I have a date tonight. One of my favorite exes. The silver lining effect in play I guess.
Zack: It'll all work out. You'll see. As soon as something more interesting happens they'll forget all about it.
Gerry: Yeah, ye're right. I'm prayin' Anna Nicole Smith resurrects from the grave ta get my as$ out of this one!
The rest of the actors start filtering on to the set. The make up person comes and straightens Gerry's braid out and powders his forehead, while an assistant ties his errant lace. Zack adjusts Gerry's cape and pats his back.
Zack: Come on. Mighty Leonidas doesn't let a thing like this get him down. Let's put it in the work.
Gerry: (shaking his head) Ye really gotta stop hangin' around Frank so much, mate. Ye're really startin' to believe this Leonidas crap.
Zack: Sorry. Thought I'd give it a try. It seems to work for him.
Gerry: (grinning) He just thinks it does.
Gerry takes his last drink of water before taking his place for the scene.
Zack: OKAY, PLACES EVERYBODY. Camera! Get ready to roll.
Dilios is standing next to Leonidas and Captain in the Olive Hall and the rest of the Spartan warriors are in a group before them. They are all holding glasses of wine getting ready to drink a toast.
Dilios: SPARTANS! Tonight we drink a toast to our champion Leonidas to wish him good luck in his foray into the matrimonial waters. That he has won the heart of one of the fairest of Sparta's roses comes as no surprise. Even though true love never runs smooth, as we've seen, these two have come together even over the body of the late and formidable Corinthia.
We hear a strain of John Lennon's "Come Together (Right Now Over Me)" playing in the background.
Leonidas: (whispering in Dilios ear) Did ye have to mention her, fer God's sake? I'm trying ta forget that lamentable episode. What's with the music anyway?
Dilios: Sorry, Leonidas. The music is for atmosphere. (undaunted, he continues) As we have seen, the mighty Leonidas can do anything once he sets his mind to it. Not rain, nor snow can dampen his ardor when his eye is on the conquest. We have ample proof of this in the string of broken hearts he has left behind. (raising his voice) There is the fair Romeria. Leonidas was hot and heavy for her and would not be denied, until someone got wind that there was a husband in the wings she had forgotten to mention. (pausing for effect) .... And how can we forget the lovely Thespacia, who taught the younger Leonidas everything he knows about sex and how to treat a woman. Their little fling caused quite a commotion, seeing as some people were not thrilled about Thespacia's occupation. Though to be fair, the poor girl had to make a living and, with so much demand for her talents....who can blame her?
Leonidas: (whispering) Can we cut this short Dilios?
Dilios: (whispering) I'm almost finished. I've been practicing this toast all morning.
He clears his throat and continues, his sonorous voice rising again.
Dilios: And we cannot forget to mention the beautiful warrior maiden Namibiala. A formidable match for the great Leonidas she was. She was renowned for throwing a spear and hitting a running target with precision. Leonidas still has the scar behind his right ear to prove her skill when his snoring kept her up all night and he made a joke about her hair piece being askew the next morning. And then....
Leonidas signals the Captain with his eyes and the Captain cuts in and interrupts Dilios.
Captain: Dilios, if you keep rambling on, the wine is going to evaporate before we get to drink it.
He leans over and whispers in Dilios ear.
Captain: Cut to the chase and make the damned toast. Now!
Dilios: (without skipping a beat) And so dear Spartans, with this bevy of beauties strewn on the road to Gorgo's heart, it is with a sadness that the ladies of Sparta see this "catch" withdrawn from the ranks of the eligible. But for us...... and I speak for all the other single Spartans,......we happily bid him adieu and wish him Godspeed on this rocky journey called marriage. With Leonidas out of the pool, we shall all have a better chance of "getting laid!"
The Spartans start cheering.
He raises his glass and all the Spartans drink a toast to their future King.
Leonidas: Thank you Dilios for that long and heartening journey through my past adventures, some of which I would like ta forget. (he touches the scar behind his ear) While it is true that I have at times been a manwhore, now that I have found the fair Gorgo, I shall be content ta roam no more.
(pondering) I shall still, however, be available to counsel you younger Spartans on the art of the pick up line. As you know, it is my specialty, thanks ta Thespacia's wise teachings.
Leonidas hoists his glass to return the toast.
Leonidas: Let your sworts speak louder than your worts, dear Geats....er Spartans!
Again, they cheer their champion's words.
Captain: (to Dilios) And what have you on the menu for entertainment tonight?
Dilios: Well Stelios and Astinos were in charge of the entertainment, and I'm afraid all they were able to dig up were a traveling band of Persian dancing girls. They were reputed to be part of their King's harem, but were a bit too risque for his taste, so he had to cut them loose. The boys were raving about their talents, young faces so eager I just didn't have the heart to tell them no.
Leonidas: (perking up) Persian dancing girls? Uhmmmm. Well no reason we can't be civil.
(raising his voice) I say we bring em on and let's make this one last wild night!
All the Spartans: Whoot....Whoot..... Whoot!
Zack: CUT!
INT. DATING GORGO SET - EVENING
After a long and arduous day of shooting, Gerry's new P/A is waiting for him on the sidelines with a phone call.
P/A: It's your friend Ariel.
Gerry takes the phone.
Gerry: Ariel, what's up. I thought you were in NYC?
Ariel: I am, but Gerry I think you'd better turn on the television. Right now. Larry King.
Gerry frowns as he walks over to a TV on the corner of the set. He notices it is turned on and a few crew members are gathered around watching something. He approaches and realizes it's Larry King they're watching. Larry King is speaking and getting ready to introduce his guests.
Larry King: ......and tonight, to discuss Gerald Butler's new and improved "lethal weapon" (smiling maliciously) our guests are 300 author *Frank Miller and Gerald's own Manager, Alan S.
Gerry: (eyes wide and incredulous) What the fu ck?
Zack is standing behind Gerry shaking his head and pats him on the back.
Zack: Your goose is cooked for sure!
Disclaimer: Every bit of this story and even the underlying moral below takes place only in the twisted mind of Zanystonate.
*The underlying moral of this story is that even famous authors and behind the scenes managers jump at the chance to be on Larry King, regardless of the topic.
Ariel = Friend of Gerry's
Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate
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