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| Practicing being sexy in the mirror. |
by zonistonate (Thu Jul 19 2007 02:45:23)
300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
Gerry is pacing back and forth in front of his trailer and talking on the cell phone, obviously angry.
Gerry: Whattayamean ye're not goin' to pay fer damages? What's the use of havin' stupid insurance up the wazoo if ye keep tryin' ta deny ma claims.
He listens to the person on the line, making faces and cursing under his breath.
Gerry: Well of course ma car was parked and in gear. I was standin' in back of it, talking on the phone, when someone recognized me, swerved and clipped the outside mirror making it roll inta the car parked in front o' me.
Listens again.
Gerry: Well, yeah... I was standin' in the street. Whaddaya think, I parked ma car on the sidewalk?
Listens.
Gerry: I was tryin' to be a good driver. Ma hand's free was broken an' I didn't want ta be driving and talkin' at the same time....so I pull over an' get outta the car ta talk. Whatsa matter with that?
Listens.
Gerry: I just told ye I was standing in the street. Ye got a hearin' problem?
Listening.
Gerry: Okay. I'll stop shoutin'. Ah was standin' in the street behind ma car talkin'. Got it?
Listening.
Gerry: WHAT? How the fu ck does that make it ma fault. The lady who clipped ma car was at fault.
Listening.
Gerry: Well, yeah....ah guess it surprised her ta see me, but what's that got ta do with it?
Listening.
Gerry: WHAT?
Listening.
Gerry: Talk ta ma lawyer, ye moron. Now I'm responsible because some some woman can't keep her fuc kin eyes in her head and on the road? O' course ah didn't want ta be recognized. I do have a life ye know?
Listening and getting more annoyed.
Gerry: She said I was standin' in the middle o' the street like ah wanted ta be recognized? How did ah fu cking do that?
Listening.
Gerry: O' course ah was dressed normally!
Listening.
Gerry: I was not wearin' a leather diaper. What the fu ck?
Listens.
Gerry: Fer yer information it's called a.......... Crap! emm emm...it's called a.......... Well... whatever it's called, I wasna' wearin' it! Ah don't care what she says!
Listening.
Gerry: Witnesses? It was in the the middle of Melrose fuc king Boulevard at rush hour. There were a thousand witnesses.
Listening.
Gerry: Well no, in actual fact, everyone felt sorry fer the lady cause she was cryin' and ah was angry cause when ah thought she was gonna ta hit me wi her car, I fell on the trunk o' ma car and scratched the trunk wi ma bracelets.
Listens.
Gerry: Whataya mean why was ah wearin' bracelets? What has that gotta do with anythin'?
Listens.
Gerry: No. Ah'm not one of those weirdos!
Listens and then tries to calm down.
Gerry: I gave her ma information, took hers an' told her ma reps would be in touch with her. I didn't want ta make an international incident about it. Got it? Ah wasn't tryin' to hide anythin'. I had an appointment an' didna want tae be late. Besides which I dinna want the rags ta get wind of it and make a big deal.
Listens.
Gerry: That one wasna ma fault either. I was just doin' my bit ta be a good resident and it's not ma fault those freakin' green light bulbs are not safe ta drive around with. Besides, sue the city fer not fixin' the potholes.
Listning.
Gerry: Whattayamean ye want ta cancel ma insurance?
Listens.
Gerry: Ah have not been drinkin'. Ah'm Scottish ye jerk! It's not ma fault ye need a hearin' aid.
Listens. Looking contrite.
Gerry: Ye are hearin' impaired?
Listening and getting aggravated.
Gerry: Than what the fu ck are ya doin' in a job like this?
Listening.
Gerry: Well yes, ah know technology is a wonderful thing, but.......
Listening.
Gerry: Whattaya mean yer reportin' me fer callin' ye names?
Listening.
Gerry: (surprised)) Yer gettin' a lawyer?
Listening.
Gerry. (sarcastically) So are ye and the lady who hit me goin' halvesies on the same solicitor or what?
Listening.
Gerry: (surprised) No. I dinna say ye were solicitin' a bribe.
Listens.
Gerry: (anger rising) No ah didna claim she was a hooker! What's the matter wi ye?
Listening.
Really angry now.
Gerry: Get yerself another fuc kin hearing aid will ye, cause the one ye got ain't workin!
He slams the phone to the ground, stepping on it with his sandal, twisting his ankle and almost falling over.
Gerry: SHIT!
He limps on to the set....his braid sticking out to the side instead of the back, a scowl on his face.
Zack is talking to one of the other actors and sees him coming.
Zack: Oh, oh! What the hell happened now? He was only gone 15 minutes. This is the only man I know who can get into trouble walking into the next room.
He turns to his assistant.
Zack: Call the nurse will ye. I think we're going to need some ice packs, at the very least, from the looks of King Thundercloud over there.
Gerry walks over to Zack.
Gerry: Is the whole world goin' crazy or am I losin' ma mind?
Zack: Now that is a loaded question.
Gerry: Ah thought I was supposed to be the comedian?
Zack: Now Gerry, we've been over that before.
Gerry: Oh can it! Ah'm not talkin' about yer precious Watchmen. Ah'm talkin about about the freakin' insurance racket.
Zack: Still fuming about the mercury spill in your trunk?
Gerry: Nah. They reluctantly settled that one. This was the stupid woman who almost killed me when she clipped ma car on Melrose a few months back. Now they're tryin ta pin it on me. They're sayin' I was askin' fer it because I was out in the middle of the street usin' ma cell phone. People have some nerve....that's all I gotta say.
Zack: So what happened to your ankle?
Gerry: I lost ma temper and tried ta crush ma phone.
Zack: That's a no no. You got down to the last day without a scratch. Only you would manage to get a non action related injury.
Gerry: (smiling wickedly) Shut up or ah'll file a claim against the movie fer making me wear unsafe footgear.
Zack: Do you want to ice it?
Gerry: Ye think ah'm a sissy Athenian? I'm the mighty Leonidas, future King of SPARTA!
Zack: Does that mean you want me to call the nurse?
Gerry: (shaking his head and making a face) Yes, please....ah need some ice ........fast. It's killin' me. Maybe ah need a doctor?
300 PREQUEL: DATING GORGO SET - TWO HOURS LATER
Zack: Okay guys, with Gerry's sprain we may have to come back and finish filming tomorrow. The doctor gave him a cortisone shot and something to keep him going, so perhaps we can get part of this done. We'll keep the camera off the ice pack on his ankle. Let's put a basket of fruit or something in front of it to hide it. It's getting so late we may have to postpone our wrap party until tomorrow too!
Every one starts moaning and talking under their breath.
The set people remove one of the fruit baskets from the laden tables and put it in front of where Gerry is standing next to Lena, his swollen ankle securely wrapped in an ice pack.
Zack: Now just be careful you don't step on the fruit if you decide to fidget again.
Gerry gives Zack a dirty look.
Gerry: Stop yer fussin' and let's get on with this before the pain killer wears off.
Zack: Okay. Places everybody. Let's take it from the "you're my match" and no funny stuff this time.
ROLL.......
Leonidas: Yer ma match and ah thank ma lucky stars ah found ye lass. As ah have said goodbye ta ma past wi the ladies, I also fondly bid the days o wine an' ceilidhs adieu. An' those were really some days too! Back then little did ah know ah would be wearin' other kinds o' helmets an' footwear in ma chosen profession, which o' course is bein' a Spartan warrior.
When ah was practicin' ta use the wacky wire, that touchy Spartan garrotting weapon....who woulda thought o' the many capes ah'd be wearin' either? Ah gotta admit all o those singin' lessons wi Uni got ma voice ready fer ma ultimate accomplishment, which is shoutin' over all the ruckus ma men make when I tell em ta raise their shields an get their weapons ready fer battle.
Taking a big breath.
Leonidas: And ma Gorgo tells me I was blessed wi the biggest mouth an' the best teeth. She says ma men should have no trouble findin' me in the crowd, once ah show em ma pearly whites. Thanks ta the magic o' Dr. Zoom.......ah can keep em battle ready. Ma uvula gets a little sore sometimes, cause ma mouth is always open, but tis worth it ta do what is expected o' me by ma men.
I can't say I won't be unhappy tarning all ma appointments over ta Gorgo so she can remind me ta see Zoom every six months. Someone in ma profession canna do wi out the Zooms o' the world.
And another thing about havin' yer own teeth is how they support yer lips when ye want tae purse them ta look fierce an' sexy at the same time. After all, no one loves a Spartan with no lips and, as I was sayin' tae Captain the other day, it pays ta practice lookin' sexy an' fierce in a mirror. Which is why ah had one put over the bird bed, so's I can practice when ah'm no' doin' somethin else. Though ah gotta admit it freaked my sweet Gorgo out and I had ta tell her it was all in the interest o' bein a better leader in ma field. But I gotta admit it's kinda fun at other times too, but......er....ah promised Gorgo ah'd keep ma mouth shut about that.
Gorgo shakes her head at him.
Leonidas: Ah'm gettin a little OT here, but it's all good because it all goes back ta my betrothed and the many ways ah welcome her ta ma life......and ma bedchamber.
Leonidas: An' speakin o' ma bedchamber, Gorgo and I have decided ta put our bird bed up fer sale, if anyone is interested. As beautiful as it tis, ah'm havin' a wee problem getting out of it fast enough when I have ta get up an pee and since I like tae sit an' watch Gorgo sleep, ah keep gettin' splinters in ma ass from sittin' on the carved feathers, no' to mention.....well er......I'll leave that ta yer imagination. If no one is interested, ah'm thinkin' o' donating it ta the travalin' Oprah fer their musical productions.
Gorgo: That's opera, dear.
He notices Gorgo is starting to wilt a bit.
Leonidas: Oh? Well, I guess that about covers it all, cept ta say that I know ma life with Gorgo will be very interestin'....and seein as we both like dessert before dinner AND after dinner.....an even before breakfast, although sometimes I skip breakfast altagether and go straight ta dessert,.....ah'm thinkin in between all that dessert we will find lots o' other things ta do when ah'm not off being a Spartan.
To ma way o' thinkin, the only thing that's goin ta be hard is stayin' at the Inns wi out friends and employees. And to that end, Gorgo has been stackin' up all these interestin parchments fer me ta take wi me ta keep me busy. And she has also assured me I won't be havin' tae wear no chastity belt, like someone we know an' love.
He looks at Captain.....who is looking at the dirt then over at his wife, who is fuming.
Leonidas: An wi those worts, my sweet Gorgo, I pledge ma troth ta ye and take ye as ma wife until death do us part or ah lose ma shield or ma head, whichever comes furst.
Turning to Zack:
Gerry: What the hell are we doin here? This ain't the Highlander ye know.
CUT! CUT!
Zack: What's the matter now?
Gerry: The ice has melted and my sandal is soaked. Ye want me to catch pneumonia? I'm an expensive actor now. I can't afford ta get sick.
Zack: (sighing heavily) Someone bring Gerry another ice pack and a dry sandal please!
He takes off his cap and scratches his head.
Zack: (to himself) Some things never change.
Gerry: (turning to Zack) Whadja say? Ooops.
Zack: (deep sigh) Someone come here and pick up the fruit he just knocked over please. And don't step on the banana!
(turning to Gerry) The way you're going with your injuries, were going to have to use it for the wedding night "shadow on the wall" bedroom scene.
Gerry: Wanker! Ah want a fluffer fer that one.
Zack: Fluffer? Is that Dirty Sanches' girlfriend?
Gerry: Jeeze ye should be in yer own movie. Go for an X this time. Warners will love ye fer that one.
Zack: You think Captain's wife doesn't want him hanging out with Leonidas? You should hear what my wife says about you.
Gerry: She loves me?
Zack: In your dreams.
Gerry: She wants to thank me fer yer education?
Zack: Typical!
Lena approaches Zack.
Lena: Am I ever going to get to say my lines?
Zack: Yes darlin, as soon as Mr. I Need a Fluffer here, gets some more ice and a new shoe.
Frank Miller walks over to the group.
Frank: What's going on here?
Zack: Watch out for the water, Frank! We don't need any more accidents here today.
Frank looks down, steps sideways, bends over and picks up the banana, peels it and starts eating it.
Zack: You just ate Gerry's banana.
Frank: (surprised) What?
*Gerry and Zack look at each other and burst out laughing.
Gorgo meets The Fluffer to be continued tomorrow. Just kidding or maybe.
This story takes place in the evil mind of Zanystonate and is pure fiction. At least I think it is.
*Moral of the episode. Tis better ta laugh than ta cry.
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