Friday, February 24, 2012

Flying Under the Radar for a while... good for the muse.   I think he has a lot on his mind these days and there is nothing like almost losing your life to make you sit up and take stock of it and ask yourself questions like "Am I happy?"  "What the hell am I doing with the rest of my life?"   "Is That All There Is?"

That last one is a particular favorite (I love the song) which speaks volumes about too much making one jaded.

Eyes speak volumes
I wrote the first two paragraphs early this afternoon without any knowledge of the story TMZ just broke a few minutes ago. * I think I already knew what was going on.  We know G's dealt with pain since 300 and I couldn't help thinking that the pounding one takes surfing was not the best thing for him to be doing. But in typical Gerry fashion, he pushes himself past what he should to prove to himself (and thereby to others) that he can do it.

I recognize the routine.

I have a few words for the Muse...

Be kind to yourself G.  You don't have to keep proving you are a tough guy all the time.  Being just who you are is enough.  Not everyone is going to love you...but that's okay too!   I know a lot of people function well using  "happy dust"..... but in the end it will get you and that would hurt a lot of people out there.  Really "big" men are kind and decent and like who they are.  Loving yourself means loving all of you...and you don't love your body by doing things that you know will harm it.  You speak of your soul often and you would think you would want to provide it with the best possible home so that it will continue to shine through those nice eyes of yours.

I'm glad you went somewhere serious like Betty Ford for help and didn't do the celebrity "Malibu" thing.

I am sending good thoughts and a sincere affection your way.

Be happy.  You are enough!



Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

*The following is what I wrote the night before his last Leno appearance, but didn't post.  I wrote the feeling "I" got from the photos. You all know which ones they are and I won't post them.  I didn't finish this and wrote about his Leno appearance instead.  It was "deja vu" seeing the TMZ post tonight.


...several new photos of the muse that have been posted on the internet.  I don't know if G was just terribly exhausted, at a low point, or just totally wacked out on something.  Perhaps it was a combination of all.

Catching some follow up pictures posted on the internet, I also think I know where he is at the moment, if not physically, at least psychically.  It's there for anyone with eyes to see and it's not a new demon, but an old one that haunts him.  

In the middle of all the adoration and the trips and the friends and the conquests and the clubs, I often see a very lonely man who only seems to feel the glow of being alive when he's performing.

People always wonder why he is always out at the clubs, even when he is on the edge of exhaustion.  He is looking for company because he is afraid of being alone with himself.  He has said he is sometimes very focused on himself and his own life.  What happens when he "is" alone with just himself?  Is that what he is thinking in this photo?

I know what it is like to feel alone in a crowd or in a gathering when you feel the conversation around you is banal and you almost feel like you are from another planet.   I also know what it's like to be with people you are in sync with and the conversation flows from topic to topic and you are engaged and feeling on top of the world.  I think he fluctuates from these extremes and, a little like the protagonist in Sofia Copola's "Somewhere, " he is feeling the weight and the bone deep loneliness of disassociation from his fellow humans and perhaps turned to another kind of oblivion.

I want to reach out and tell him he'll be all right and he'll get over and past it.  He already knows it, but feeling empty in the middle of so much worship seems so fucking sad and for the paparazzi to catch it... such nakedness and even sadder.


  1. Well said, Zoni. Hope all is well with you!

  2. Your insight into the real Gerry is refreshing. i like reading at your site and the way you see his flaws and that he has clay feet like the rest of us but you are not cruel in your remarks like some are. I do believe what you say that he is lonely and is filling his life with constant movement almost like he is afraid to stand still a moment.
    Thank you.

  3. hi zoni! a link to your site was posted at another gerard butler fan site....your writings are delightful! i'd like to share your stuff always....please contact me at: for permission.

  4. Dear Apr. 10th Anonymous,

    Thank you for the kind words.

    You are free to post links to my blog if that is what you are referring to. It is always nice to have more readers. If you have any questions or you need my permission for anything else, you may write me at