Wednesday, January 22, 2014

300 Recipe for Success? It's In the Teeth, Zack.

Today, while browsing the internet,  I ran across the trailer for the new 300: Rise of an Empire movie, written and produced by Zack Snyder.

After watching it several times, I tried to think what was it that was missing or that could either make or break this movie's success at the box office and came to the conclusion that it just doesn't have the "teeth" the original 300 had, thanks to the shiny, white ivories supplied to the screen by my favorite Leonidas, muse Gerard Butler.

In a few words, Gerry's teeth had "presence."   They were freshly polished and probably whitened, as they were for Beowolf  (I doubt that august warrior had such lovely white choppers), and each time you see the venerable Leonidas on screen and he is rousing his men to a fervor for the fight, they are up front and present in all their Dr. Zoom glory.

During his 300 days, while every lusting male and female was  focused on Gerry's abs, I was focused on his teeth.  After all, when you are face to face with a body, the mouth and teeth are the things you are most often in very intimate contact with.... to begin with at least.   If that part of a male is not to my liking, well the rest is certainly not going to be, no matter how glorious.  Am I right ladies?

Now perhaps I am being hasty in passing judgement on the current incarnation of Greek warrior by likable scribe and producer Zack Snyder on just the strength of a trailer....but even though the lovely Eva Green has nice enough teeth, and the also lovely Lena Heady makes a return engagement as Gorgo, the only one who can compete a little with the grand Leonidas'  floridated enamal glory is Rodrigo Santoro, back for a turn as the hoop spangled King Xerxes of Persia.

Will that be enough to save the spectacle from its new male star Sulllivan Stapleton as Greek General Themistocles?   While looking fairly nice in a leather codpiece,  Mr. Stapleton's teeth just aren't able to carry the day or the gravitas that my dear muse, Gerry's wide arch and shiny, glorious, Dr. Zoom enhanced dentin did.... as he made his loud pronouncement to Spartan and foe alike in his turn as the lovely King Leonidas.....and I think the audience will pick up on that.

Show me a man's bite and I will tell you the size of his....ummm, character.  And the muse is a character, to be sure.

As for the hopefully promising  Mr. Stapleton?   Well he has quite a bite to live up to.  I wish him luck. But there is only one man who can do Sparta justice by showing his pearly whites and his uvula, and that man is Gerard Butler.

Take note, ladies and gentlemen!   I rest my case.

Look at that lovely, wide arch and nicely shaped choppers.

Just doesn't have the same bite, does it?
With tongue firmly planted in cheek,


Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

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