Letter to St. Nick - Reprint

Letter to St. Nick

(Originally Posted on Christmas Eve 2007)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the steid,

no' a creature was stirring, no' aiven the dead.

Fer 'twas bonnie old Scotland an' cold as she be

an' thare sat our own downcast GB under mum's tree.

"Ah've been good, ah've been bad, ah've been all o'er the place,

an' aiven some o' ma friends think ah've been a disgrace.

Ah'm still pushin' that old loadstone up ma own hill

and ah'm trying so hard tae improve ma sittin' still skills.

So ah'm writin' ye Santa, St. Nick or whatever...

aiven though sometimes some think ah've the gift to be clever,

some people just na'er seem willin' tae give me a break

and ah wish some would realize that this is MA cake.

An' ah'd like just tae eat it an' enjoy it too,

without havin' tae explain every damned thing that ah do,

fer it's startin tae make me quite cranky ah'd say

tae wake up and see who ah'm fuckin' or no' fuckin' each day.

If ma life had so many a winsome, sweet wench,

ah'd be much more relaxed and ma jaws ah'd no' clench.

But in truith, ah'm no' quite the big smooth operator

an' tis much more likely a lass saying...'Good nicht, see ye later!'

What ah'm askin' fer Nick, tis no' so hard tae grant...

Just some kindness, some love an', okay, special pants

that will fit through the thighs an' will fit in the arse

an' will squeeze ma wee boy when ma mouth gets too crass.

Fer ye know ah have problems wi' keepin it shut,

when ma publicist says ah should be quiet as King Tut.

Tis a case o' exuberance gone run amok

an' ah seem tae be havin' the same problem wi' ma co_ck!

Sae dear Nick ah wud ask fer some skills that ah'm cravin'.

The power tae be good an' tae stop misbehavin'.

Though deep doon in ma hairt ah just really got tae tell ye,

that ah'm no' goin' fer sainthood, no' NOW an' no' EVER!

An' ah've just one more thing oan ma list left tae ask ye.

Wud ye bring me a bag full o' fairy dust sparklies

ah kin sprinkle all o'er me when ah'm tired an' ah'm scruffy

sae ah kin leuk like the old me, even when ah leuk puffy.

Kis ah'm tired as hell readin' how fast ah am aging,

every time ah tarn aroun' an' it sets ma pulse a raging.

So along wi 'the dust ah would ask ye to be so kind

to deliver all o' ma lovin'  fans a swift kick on their behinds."

GB 12/2010

Yers truly,

GB

P.S. "An' no camel sh_it please, as ah've really no'  been THAT bad!"

Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

A Silly Christmas Tale

by zonistonate


Once upon a Christmas fair
a certain Scot crept down the stairs
The mantel clock showed a quarter to four
as he stealthily strode towards the kitchen door.

Remembering with fright the words mum had spake,
"Now Gerrrardd dinna ye touch that cake!"
But determined he was and quite mad with the craving,
he knew there was little now left that could save him.

His feet were bare and his nose was running
but the plan he had was one of cunning
Anyone who took Ambien...knew the score
and he'd had enough bouts of sleepwalking before.

The ruse was simple once he'd had his fill...
He'd tell his Mum he'd taken his pill
and dead to the world, put his life at stake
and swear he'd not touched the bluidy cake!

But the best laid plans of mice and men
are no match for a mother who knows ye, ken?
When he lifted the fancy cake platter cover
instead of the cake, he found a note from his mother.

"My darlin' son, now that ye're awake
would ye please put the turkey in the oven to bake?
I know you were probably sleepwalking again 
But that story is old and I don't buy it, ye ken?

I love you to death and ye know that to be true
So blow ye're runny nose and put on your bloody shoes!
Famous ye may be...and even worshiped by some
But my job is to remind you who ye are when come home!"

He smiled at himself as he turned on the oven
Cunning he might be, but no match for the women
who'd given him birth and knew him like the clock
so nothing she did should ever come as a shock.

Today was Christmas and he'd eventually get his cake
but he'd help her with the turkey now that he was wide awake.
He rummaged through the cupboard and found a loaf of bread 
he might not have cake, but second best was what he'd have instead.

The moral of the story is that everything tastes good when one is home for Christmas....and you can't fool mom!
A merry one to all!  

Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction that exists only in the twilight zone of the writer's mind. Any and all resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.


Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate

Playing the Field Through Rose Colored Glasses

If IMDb is to be believed, Playing the Field, the Gerard Butler project formerly known as Slide has finally got a start date of March 2011.   It had been rumored that the baseball themed, Robbie Fox comedy was being shopped around by Butler and Italian director Gabrielle Muccino for a while now and was finally picked up by Nu Image/Millenium.  It is to be co-produced by Butler's own Evil Twins production company.

In the meantime the story has undergone a metamorphosis and the protagonist, as played by Butler, will no longer be a former baseball player,  but more in keeping with Butler's Euro-centric style,  will feature a retired futball (soccer) star who tries to reconcile with his estranged wife and son by coaching his son's soccer team.

From the little I have heard of the plot,  the comedy element will come in the form of the soccer moms who all want a piece of the new,  sexy coach (yes we all know what piece it is they want) and Mr. Studly will spend some time trying to deflect the advances of the oversexed and obviously under-serviced soccer moms so as not to imperil his plan to reconcile with his family.

Sound a little familiar?

With two movies in post production that Butler fans are hoping will redeem their idol's promising acting credentials after the tepid reviews of his last three movies (okay, I am being kind here), another predictable comedy that will do nothing to add luster to his resume makes one wonder who the heck picks his projects!

To be fair, this is bit unfair of me, especially considering the state of movie making today and the kind of movies that are making money for their investors.  With actors such as Russell Crowe and others of his calibre striking out at the box office in favor of superhero, kiddie movies....one can see that perhaps he is taking what is being offered or can be made these days, the critics aside.   One can't do Shakespeare everyday, can one?

Let me look at this another way.   Rather than thinking this is going to be another dud like The Bounty Hunter with a predictable, cliched script and a lackluster pairing of the leads, let's dream a little here.....  Let's put on our rose colored wishing glasses and think about how this movie could be different....

What if.....?    What if this was a well written,  stylish comedy with an interesting central pairing and lush setting?   We're talking an Italian director here.   What if Butler finally allows himself to actually play a retired Scottish futball star, a little rough around the edges, but smart and his ex-wife a fiery, but sophisticated Spaniard (or other nationality) English professor?   How about letting  the supporting characters have some level of smarts and not be Jersey Shore or Hollywood housewives types?  How about a college town setting? A great child actor that really bonds with Butler?   How about the comedy coming out of the clever writing and  natural situations that we've  not seen a thousand times before?   How about a little drama and some interspersed pathos and maybe....yes not maybe....please...some passion (whether suppressed or expressed) between the leads?   How about a little more Philadelphia Story or Love Actually and a little less Ugly Truth?   Wouldn't that be grand?

I think I will keep on the rose colored glasses  for a while and wait and see what comes out of the mix.  The eventual casting will tell us a little....and oh how I wish I had a peek at the story!   The title is not very promising, but let's hope the "Field" is a little more full and rich then the title implies.

As always, I am keeping my fingers crossed.  I have hopes for this director.  I have seen a few of his movies and perhaps will put a few more on my Netflix over the next month.

I am hoping Playing the Field is a symbolic title and not indicative of what Butler will spend his time doing in this movie.   I want to see some sparks and the tinkling of some sparkling dialogue and lots of spontaneous laughter with no laugh track necessary.

I know....I'm a foolish optimist.   But one can always hope.


Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate



 

Frolicking In Miami Beach

Gerard Butler looks like he was "frolicking" on the beach with several friends before popping into some of the  Art Basel  exhibitions in Miami Beach.  Frolicking, I say, because he is the type to actually frolic (check out the last photo).

Just Gerry here.

GB  is looking good these days!   He's slimmer than he's been in a long time and it works for him.  Contrary to what some think,  his youthful look is due to that weight loss and,  in these photos,  perhaps the windswept hair and the sunscreen moisturizing his face.

For those that think he should look picture perfect all the time,  he is not going to go the mousse and mirror route while kicking back near the beach. Would you?  I mean we ALL look perfect at the beach, don't we?

I think there is sometimes great naivete and very unreal expectations of this person (and actors in general) by their fans.  Where you see him dressed the way you would like to see him, it's most likely a photo shoot or other publicity shot.  When he is on his own, he is "just Gerry" and he dresses the way he pleases.  By now we all  know what that means.   His sartorial splendor leaves one breathless at times.

However, here, he looks fine and the blue shirt fits well and does make his eyes pop, as does the ever present  paparazzi.

The colt in action.

He's not your 300 hero-hunk in these photos.  The  person  here is enjoying some personal time with friends and, as is often the case, being funny without trying.   Personally, I think he is really 15 years old in his head and for all his athletic build, he is also sometimes an ungainly colt!  

That this colt also has a head (and body) for business and does very well for himself is incongruous at times.  For me therein lies some of his charm.   All men are little boys underneath the armour and those that aren't wish they could be.



Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate


*Photos courtesy of Just Jared and Gerard Butler Gals