The Z Report 5-31-08 Ab-Sentia

AB-SENTIA
by zonistonate 531-08

While scouring cyberspace for news of our favorite Scot Gerard Butler, we were wondering why there is no news of him after several photos of a happy Butler, purchasing a bicycle, appeared on the internet last week. Did the charming Mr. Butler ride his new bike into oblivion or just the nearest pothole?

Well, dear readers, it seems the latter was a lucky guess. The Z Report has learned from an anonymous source that Butler, while apparently trying to evade several fans pursuing him on bicycles, dashed up a side street and into a huge pothole on the corner of Oakwood and *Jacaranda in West Hollywood.

The new bike?

According to our source the actor, who was leaning forward and peddling like a mad man, went right over the handlebars and landed atop a parked car. After seeing the spill Butler took, the fans scattered far and wide, leaving the Scot dazed and confused by the whole incident, but none the worse for wear, except for several cracked dental veneers, a lightly sprained ankle and a bent front wheel on his new bike.

The Masarati Spyder Butler landed on, however, was not so lucky. It suffered various injuries, including a torn ragtop and several dents and scratches and, while the luxury sports car may have saved his life by breaking his fall, the owner, who saw the whole thing from his window, was not a happy camper.

As the owner argued with him about repairs to his vehicle, Butler, who had left his wallet at home, could not convince the man that he was, in fact, King Leonidas from the movie 300, which was the only movie, among several Butler named, that the older man had seen and therefore able to make good on his promise for the repairs.

Several gardeners, who were trimming trees across the street, told us that the man was trying to tug at Butler's shirt wanting proof he was Leonidas, by showing him his abs. Butler's abs, of course, are now more like a 4 pack than an 8 and the man was not convinced after Butler grudgingly lifted his shirt.

The man's wife, hearing all the commotion, came out to investigate. After explaining to her what had happened, the woman narrowed her eyes and peered at Butler, who was wearing a bike helmet and torn jeans and tennis shoes. Looking up and down at his clothing, she told her husband to call the police, as this man was absolutely NOT the Phantom of the Opera guy, whom she had once found so fascinating.

In his broken English, one of the gardeners said it was then that the harrassed Butler halfheartedly started to sing Music of the Night for the woman, only to be told that not only did he "not look like the foxy Phantom, but he didn't sound at all like the Phantom either! "

The day was saved, however, when Butler flagged down a familiar looking car being driven by his friend and neighbor Christian De La Fuente, who, sizing up the situation, immediately stopped and got out of his car to see if Butler was alright. The woman, a fan of Dancing with the Stars, recognized De La Fuente immediately and got very excited. Butler, whose anger was barely under control by this point, asked De La Fuente to vouch for him, which he did.

Still unconvinced, the man took down De La Fuentes' phone number and license plate for assurance, and turning to Butler told him that he was now more convinced then ever that the abs featured in 300 were all CGI and that he couldn't believe someone capable of leading a charge against the Persian army was a "fraidy cat" running away from a bunch of girlies. 


It was at this point that Butler lost his cool and started using profanities in what the gardener termed was some kind of unintelligible accent and De La Fuente had to calm him down and lead him away, helping him into his car, after telling the man that they would be back for Butler's bike, which was in no shape to be ridden.

Butler rolled down the passenger side window and our anonymous source said he could barely make out his mumbling but that it was something like "foking mak mobbies an' noone knows who ah am, bot foking dancing preeck is a beeg star."

When we later contacted Butler's reps about the incident all we got was a "no comment!"

De La Fuente was more forthcoming in that he smiled sympathetically and said: "Gerry is really a sweet guy when he's not mad!" 


Since none of this has appeared on the internet or the papers, we thanked our anonymous tipster, who told us that he had many thanks from Gerry's friend Christian, who had promised to send his wife an autographed picture from his stint on a popular Spanish telenovela.

When we contacted the Masarati owner, he said that his elated wife had received autographed photographs of all the Dancing with The Stars contestants and he had no comment on the incident.

So it seems that Mr. Butler is still around, probably nursing his wounds and possibly mourning the absence of his 300 abs, his now famous calling card and probably more recognizable to some than his face.

Perhaps he is taking dancing lessons? Signing off,

Zoni with a Z (but pronounce like an S)

Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment purposes only and took place in the twilight zone of the writer's mind somewhere in LaLa Land.

*Not an actual street.



Songs out of tune, the words always a little wrong...Canzoni Stonate